So much has happened since my last blog post on February 9th. It almost feels like a distant lifetime away, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. The past month and a half have definitely been filled with a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I don't even really know where to start, as there is just so much to say. I have gotten another year older and I have realized so many things all in such a short period of time.
First of all, my relationship with J has gotten to be so much better. He has definitely made the effort to prove to me that he is unlike any guy in my past and that has meant so much to me. We had a great Valentine's Day where he sent me flowers to work and we went to a Lauryn Hill concert in the evening. For my birthday, he made me feel incredible special for the whole week leading up to it. He even surprised me at work the day before to take me to see The Vow and on the day of, he baked me a cake - all by himself. He has truly been amazing and I am so grateful for that. The bond between us is like no other, and I feel so blessed to have a truly wonderful good man by my side.
In addition to my great relationship with J, I have found myself trying to be a better mom to C. I have come to the realization that I've let my family come in the way of my relationship with my son, and I have allowed them to control the bond I have with him. I am doing my best to change that and to include him in most of the things going on in my life. I'm not a young adult anymore. I am nearly 30 years old, and I am at a point in my life where I want to change how people perceive me as, mostly in part to how my parents have tried to take over. I'm not an irresponsible mother, and I don't party or drink or have extremely wild times. I am a completely different person than I was at 20 and 25. I'm becoming someone my son can eventually be proud of.
Speaking of being someone my son can be proud of, I have successfully completed my first full quarter of school. The old me would see extremely difficult coursework and freak out. I would run at the thought of having an extremely large amount of work in a difficult class. In addition, if I did stay in a class and complete it, I would to the bare minimum to get by and was satisfied with getting a C or a D. I can proudly say I passed both of my classes, and while I haven't received the grade for one yet (I think I got an A), I did get the grade for the other, and am happy to say I got a B. I am extremely happy and proud of myself, as this has been proof that I can do anything I set my mind to...
On top of all of that going on, I may have some good news. Well, at first, I wasn't so sure if it was good news, but then I realized that I am in a much better place in my life than where I was at when I was 20 and 22, and that I have an amazing, responsible, hard-working, loving man by my side. For the past couple of weeks, I have been having major pregnancy symptoms. I am nauseated, have vomited a couple of times, have the urge to pee more frequently, my breasts are huge and sensitive, my tummy is bloated, I am extremely emotional and way more tired, yet have a hard time sleeping at night. I've taken two pregnancy tests, one on the first day I was expecting my period and the second two days later first thing in the morning. Both tests came back negative, however, as I type this out, my breasts feel like watermelons and I am 5 days late.
I joke with J that I am pregnant with an imaginary baby since both tests have come out negative and I still feel pregnant. It's so amazing how much of a good man I have in my life. He has been so calm and supportive, and has actually looked forward to me being pregnant, so much, that I feel excited that I may be as well. I felt so bad when we took the first test and it came out negative. He was so disappointed and said he "lost hope". I explained that I may still be and that when I was pregnant with C, I took 4 tests and each came back negative, due to not having enough hormones in my system, which I have since learned that boys usually give off less hormones, making it harder to test positive. I am planning on making a doctor's appointment this week so that we may find out for sure, and if I am not, I can move on. Crazy big news, but regardless of what the outcome is, I see it as a positive. Positive test means that J, C, IB (Imaginary Baby), and I can start our future together sooner, and a negative test means that J and I know exactly what we want and have a better timeline and plan of how we want our future to play out, including me buying a car and us getting our own place by August, as well as possibly throwing in an engagement in there. While I would have liked to have been married when our family got started, I am at the point where I could care less if I have a ring on my finger to prove that I have an amazing, wonderful man in my life. I have his love and commitment as it is, and I know that soon enough will come all the rest of our plans for the future.
With all the scattered emotions I have felt due to these crazy hormones, I have been having a very very very very very hard time with the fact that my middle sister, E, just got engaged. E is 25 years old and hasn't worked in nearly three years. She started school recently, and after getting a "tension headache" that put her out of school for two weeks, she stopped going. E's boyfriend of nearly four years, W, who is 24, has been unemployed for several months. His cocky attitude has had him telling everyone he would be getting a job soon with all of his amazing qualifications, but there doesn't seem to be much employment activity going on with him. From what I see, E and W are disrespectful to one another and she bosses him around all the time. They are a completely toxic couple and I don't see how their marriage were to survive, nor do I see either them being able to face the reality and struggle of how hard life really is away from mommy and daddy.
I don't know why this whole thing hit me so hard. Maybe it was the fact that I am dealing with my own emotions over the possibility of being pregnant (or not). Maybe it was because I feel bad that my sister is setting herself up for failure. Maybe its because a little piece of me is jealous that I have my life more together and I'm not engaged yet. Maybe it's the hurt I felt because I didn't even find this out from my family, but rather through a mutual facebook friend who said its posted all over the place. Who knows?! All I know is that I am grateful for J's mom because she gave me the perspective I needed to get through all of this and while I'm still upset that my family has kept this from me for two days now, I have come to the realization that just because we share the same blood does not make us family. I can only hope and pray she and her marriage don't fail, and smile through my gritted teeth and pretend to be happy for her.
So yeah, quite a lot of stuff going on in my life. I'm hoping that we at least get an answer as to why I am feeling this way by the end of this week. I would like to move forward with my life, whether I am pregnant or not, although I really would like to be at this point (I'm not getting any younger). It's time to live for me and for my son and for J (and IB), to do the things that make me happy, regardless of the thoughts and judgments of other people. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me, including my "family". I'm happy and that's all that matters...
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