Selling Myself Short

I believe I mentioned in my previous post about going engagement ring looking with J a couple of weeks ago. It was truly a defining moment in our relationship, as I felt like that was when I really knew that J wasn't all talk about wanting a future with me. That was the moment when I realized that things didn't work out with people in the past so they could prepare me for now and my future with J. So many feelings and emotions hit me at once, and the moment we got into the car, I cried. I couldn't believe that someone, especially J, would want to even consider spending the rest of their lives with a nutcase like me.

Ok, maybe I should back track a little bit.

All my life, I have sold myself short. I have never felt like I was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or fast enough. When I was in high school, I was thin and attractive, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw an extremely fat girl staring back at me. This complex only got worse once I graduated and gained weight, and eventually got pregnant. Then my fat girl complex got worse because I was now a single fat mom. Throughout the years, as I lagged through community college, and went through the pregnancy and adoption of Hope, and through all the guys I dated and everything else, I always felt like I would never be good enough. I felt like no one would want me and all that I bring to the table. I felt like I was destined to be alone and that being C's mom was all that God had in store for me. Until I met J...

J has brought out a strength in me I never knew I had. Being his girlfriend has made me feel as if I am beautiful, attractive, and smart. Once I became J's girlfriend, it was easy to believe that I could do and have anything that I wanted. I never realized how much I want a future with someone other than my son by my side. I never realized how much I would want to one day be a wife and a mother of more babies. That is, until J came into the picture, and now all I can think about it being his wife and "baby mama".

Looking at rings together tore down any notions I had of not being good enough for anyone. It tore away my belief that my dad was right when he said no one will want to ever marry a girl like me, who is as "messed up" and "damaged" as I am. A single mom who has given birth to two kids shouldn't be given a chance at unconditional love, and yet, here I have it right in front of me with J. How did I get so lucky? And why the hell am I so scared of it? Why do I still feel like I'm not good enough for him? Why do I find reasons to try to push him away? Why am I so scared of letting my heart trust and love him 110%? Maybe because in the back of my head, I still believe that my dad may be right. Who could love a girl like me?

I need to start breaking these walls down. I need to stop thinking that I'm that messed up that I don't deserve everything I have earned and worked so hard for. This amazing relationship? Yeah, it hasn't been easy. Each day is a struggle. Each time I push him away and ask for a break, I know in my heart I don't want it or mean it, but it's the only way I can protect myself. After nearly 14 months, I still don't believe that I could have a guy love me for all that I am and all that I plan on becoming in the future. I still don't think I'm worthy of something great and I place unrealistic expectations so that my disappointment is all I have, almost so that I have something to complain about.

You don't text me like you used to. You don't call me like you used to. You don't see me as much as you used to. You don't have sex, kiss, hug, hold me as much or like you used to. You don't bring me flowers, take me on dates, surprise me like you used to. You don't have a picture of me on your fb profile pic or you don't comment on my wall. You don't make me feel special like you used to. You don't do this or that or go here or go there. All these stupid complaints are so invalid. Yet this is me, almost everyday, and it's so effing stupid of me. Granted, some of my complaints are valid, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, its a bunch of stupid bullshit because he loves me, and no amount of pushing him away will change that. At least I hope.

This month has been difficult with trying to get past what happened earlier, and it has hurt like hell, yet I have learned that I have made myself hurt more than he has hurt me. I haven't been able to get past it like I thought I could, but I want to. I keep bringing it up, and when I am alone, I obsess about it. It's my driving force to go to the gym and to work hard, because I think that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have been tempted to get cheap thrills from this girl if I was thinner, more attractive, etc. I want to let go of it all in my head so that whatever happens from here on out is resolved from all of that mess. I'm so afraid that it will be in the back of my mind, and that I won't be able to completely forget.... and by doing that, it makes it so much harder to forgive.

I KNOW I have issues I need to work past to be the ideal wife and mom that I want to be. I KNOW it's not going to be easy to get through the bumps and hard times. I KNOW that pushing him away doesn't make things better. But I KNOW he loves me, almost as much as I love him, and I can only hope that love is the driving force to keep us strong and free from the temptations in the outside world.

I have to stop selling myself so short and I need to start believing that I am as great as people say I am. I know that that is the only way I can start to be the woman I know I can be, for him, for me, for my/our children. It will take some time, and he will need to patient, but eventually I will get there...