Bridesmaids

Last Saturday, J and I went to see Bridesmaids. It was hilarious and vulgar, so different from the usual "chick flick." I really enjoyed it, but also, have not been able to stop thinking about how different I feel I am from most girls. I've beem thinking about the fact that if I got married, I wouldn't have any clue who would be MY Bridesmaids. I have been thinking about the lifelong friendships the two main characters in the movie had, and I get sad to think about the fact that I don't really have that.

All my life, I have never found myself to be a typical girl. I played with boys starting at a young age, always willing to climb trees, get my hands dirty, and skin my knees. I always had to prove that I was a tough girl, and hanging out with prissy chicks was never my cup of tea. I always had a hard time getting along with girls, and from a young age, always felt like alot of girls were in a "competition" with me. I have encountered backstabbers, fakes, and flakes. There aren't very many females who I have been able to call my "best friend" throughout my life.

I went throughout elementary school and junior high, and the first year of high school with a plethora of "best friends". I thought that everyone I shared my secrets with were my "bff"s and I could trust them all. I shared alot, but learned very quickly that most little girls were not to be trusted. I was hurt over and over and over by girls who I thought I could trust. My parents would get mad at me for all that could have been avoided if I didn't trust so easily. My dad would tell me, time and time again, that I would have many acquaintances in my life but very few real best friends. I always hoped that he would be wrong and that I would have the real best friends I had hoped for.

Come sophomore year of high school, I became friends with L. She and I were as opposite as could be. We started talking when I noticed she was wearing a Backstreet Boys shirt. I made so much fun of her. That was just the start of a great friendship. Between her and our friend S, who I had known since freshman year, the three of us were inseperable for most of the rest of high school. Wherever one was, it was easy to find one of the other two not too far behind. We had many inside jokes and spent lots of time talking crap like Mean Girls. It was the best type of friendship I could have ever asked for.

S, L, and I would have lots of talks about what we'd be like when we got older. The plan was that of the three of us, I was the one that wasn't going to get married. I always would talk about having many houses, cars and lovers, with no children or a husband to hold me back. L was going to get married and a ton of kids, while S was going to have a husband who would have to beg her to even have sex with him. We were all so different from one another.

After high school, the three of us split. L moved to San Diego to go to art school, S went to FIDM and I went to Cal State Fullerton. Of the three of us, I was the first to get a boyfriend. I was also the first to get pregnant. While we still kept in touch with L, we mainly saw her while she was here visiting her parents for the holidays. S and I got a little bit closer during my emotional roller coaster of a pregnancy, as she was going through the emotional turmoil of her parents' divorce. We were there for each other, getting through the tough times together and L was also there for support as well, even though she was 2 hours away.

S and L went to Vegas together to celebrate their 21st birthdays and had a falling out while they were there. 6 1/2 years later, I'm not even sure what the heck happened, but they have not spoken to one another since. I was still able to keep in touch with both of them, being in the middle of whatever went on between them. I would see S more frequently than I would see L, as she only lived one hour away compared to the two that it takes to get to San Diego. S and I would talk and text quite frequently, while L and I mainly kept in touch via email, im, and the occasional phone call or text, making it a point to share what was going on in our lives during the past 10 years.

L and I haven't seen each other all too often during the past 10 years, but just like the air we breathe, I don't need to see her to know she is there. As busy as she has been with her career, she has always made it a point to be there for me when I really needed someone to talk to. She has grown tremendously from that Backstreet Boy lovin tee shirt girl to an amazing career woman who I admire. J and I recently went down to San Diego to see L get married. It was a day that made me so happy to be there for, and I was glad she shared her special moment with me. It was awesome to see that the girl who talked about all the things she wanted when she "grew up" was accomplishing the items on her checklist, one at a time. I am so appreciative of the fact that while we may not be the best of friends, she is still someone I could still call my friend.

S went on to become a wife and a mommy about 5 years ago, finding herself pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Hope. It was a bumpy ride through our pregnancies, as she stopped talking to me when she found out I was going to place her for adoption. I was disappointed that my friend was not there for me while I made this tough decision and that she would not allow me to be there for her to celebrate the baby she was expecting. Thanks to an invitation to her baby shower, we were able to make up and get through the last few weeks of pregnancies as friends. Her son and Hope are exactly 4 weeks apart.

Since then, S and I would see each other from time to time, making it a point to be there for one another at important events: C's birthday parties and preschool graduation, her bridal shower and family events. We would go to lunch and dinner together from time to time, always sharing whatever exciting, or sad news was going on in our lives. She always made it a point to call me or text me on Hope's birthday, saying she had it circled on her calendar every year as a reminder of me.

I always thought that I would be friends with the girls forever, even if they weren't friends with each other. I wish I could say I knew what happened next, but I don't. About a year ago, S and I stopped talking. I can't pinpoint why or how, but we did, and it still disappoints me. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend in my life, and all of a sudden, that friendship was gone. It's been tough to grieve that loss, because I don't know what happened to it in the first place. Till this day, it still bothers me to wonder what happened, but I just don't have the courage to ask her.

Since high school, I have many amazing people come in and out of my life. Whether they have been acquaintances or actual friends, classmates or coworkers, I don't think I have been able to put a label of best friend on anyone, except for J. The closest I have to a female best friend is about a 6 hour drive in Utah, as D is probably the ONLY person I can tell EVERYTHING to knowing I won't be judged or ridiculed. Just as when I was younger, it has been so much easier to befriend boys than girls. In the past few years I have grown pretty close to the boys who I consider to be the brothers I never had, but even then, those friendships have changed now that I'm in a relationship where partying and drinking just isn't that important to me.

Will I ever have a group of friends like the chicks in Bridesmaids or Sex and the City, the kind of friends who I can count on to come over with a tub of ice cream and trashy magazines on a blah day? Probably not, especially now at 28 when it's alot harder to build those types of friendships. Do I appreciate the friendships I do have with some of the strong, independent women who have proven to be that they have a place in my heart (most of which are reading this blog right now)? Yes, very much so, because whether they think so, each one has taught me a new lesson in life. So I guess I should stop worrying about the bridesmaids issue for my non-existent wedding and instead focus on the friendships I have with the people I will invite to witness my wedding instead ;)

Sisters

I have always learned that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. I always thought that sounded so cliche, but the older I get the more I believe it. Sadly, after 28 years, I am stuck with the family I have been given and nothing aside from creating my own will change that.

I have two sisters, E and D. Between E and I is 4 years, and between D and I is a 7 year age gap. All three of us are as different as night and day. I'd like to say that despite our differences, we are as close as can be... but then I would be lying. I don't know when this rivalry between us sisters began, but it has been there since the beginning and it doesn't look like there will be an end in sight.

The girls and I have never gotten along. Verbal, physical, emotional fighting has always gone on in this house between us three. For years and years my parents would talk about how much it hurt them to see the way we fought and told us time and time again that we needed to stick together because if something happened to them, we would only have each other. It was always the same thing over and over again for years, and it only got worse after I gave birth to C.

Mom and dad would baby the girls, doing anything and everything they could for them. The moment they found out about my pregnancy with C, they went into a rage. Being called a whore and a slut was a common occurrence. They hated that it was no longer about them, but rather about this new baby that was about to come into our family. They were always mean to me, but did their best to be the best aunts possible to C.

After I had Hope, things in our household escalated. Granted I kept my pregnancy a secret all 9 months for the fear of what they would say or do to me (I was more afraid of my sisters' torment than my parents' disappointment), no one in our family took into consideration that I made a sacrifice of a lifetime for the benefit of everyone in this household. I thought about how the birth of another child would would affect each and every person in this family before I thought about how the adoption would affect myself. While I didn't consult with the family, I did what was best for Hope, C and the rest of my family. I never once thought about what kind of emptiness I would be left with. I didn't need to, I knew this was the best choice for everyone involved. It was the first adult decision I made on my own that I didn't regret.

If only I knew how bad things would get after placement. It started when I was in the hospital recuperating from having given birth. My mother made it a point to call me and mention that my youngest sister said she no longer had "anyone to look up to". I knew that was the beginning of what I have basically called hell. Not only did I have to deal with the disappointment and misunderstanding of my decision to place my daughter into the hands of another family from my parents, I've had to endure the emotional abuse from my sisters. It has been the most disheartening thing to deal with and one of the things that has slowly killed me till this day, 5 1/2 years later.

I have been called every name in the book by my own sisters. I have been thrown under the bus plenty of times by them. I have trusted them with my secrets and problems just to have them talked about to my parents, or their boyfriends and friends. They have blamed me for every problem in their lives and have used me as a scapegoat and excuse for "ruining" their lives and our family. I have been called good for nothing and a "loser older sister". I have heard plenty of times over and over that they "never want to be like" me. They made me seem like a horrible person, when in reality I am not. Instead of being happy for me when good things happen in my life, they find ways to bring me down, accusing me of thinking I'm better than them or minimizing my accomplishments so that they don't seem like anything big. They have never wished me a Happy Mother's Day, citing that I'm not a "real" mom because I "give away" my babies and let my parents help me take care of my son. It's been one thing after another of painful stabs to my heart from the girls I am supposed to call my SISTERS.

I could sit here and write for days about all the things my siblings do and don't do that really make me angry. I could talk for days about the lack of a drive to succeed in life, being content with living off of mommy and daddy for the rest of their lives and having the expectation of that being what my parents are here for. I could write about how self-centered, judgemental and hypocritical these girls are and how that is probably why they have no friends other than "Facebook friends" and their boyfriends. I could call them the ugliest girls in the world (on the inside), but I won't stoop to that level because after all, I AM better than them.

I work hard for everything I have. I strive for success and a better life. I have a happy and healthy relationship and am content with the decisions I have made that have gotten me to where I am at in my life, always doing my best to improve my life, through work, school, etc. I have come to the conclusion that I will never have a relationship with these girls like most sisters have with each other. I will never be able to call them when I have good news, or bad news. I will never have them over to share a dinner or holidays with my family. I will never be close to them and while it breaks my heart, it is something I am going to have to accept. If it hasn't changed in the past 24 years, it won't change any time soon. I pray to God that they will one day see the damage they have done and realize how their behavior has really ruined a relationship they will never get back. Hopefully by then, it's not too late....

Birthmother's Weekend

For the past few weeks leading up to this weekend, I have been very emotional and withdrawn. It's been a battle to get through the days without crying. I've been sad about Mother's Day and even more sad about the fact that I was not making it to Charlotte, NC this year for the birthmother retreat from BMB. I didn't ever think that not going would affect me so much, but it did. Tremendously.

The one thing I have truly become so thankful for these past few days is that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend like J. He is is so amazing to me, and I have no words to describe his patience and willingness to accept me as I am, damaged goods and all. He is truly my prince charming, and someone I can't imagine my life without, especially when it comes to dealing with an emotional wreck such as myself. He has shown me what a real man is by being the arms to run to and the shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest gift, aside from my children, that God could have ever given me. He is truly the sunshine on my darkest days and is the best at trying to understand me when I could barely understand myself.

I found that the key to getting through times like these is keeping busy, because essentially, it keeps me off of facebook, which only makes me see more of what I am missing out on. Thankfully, I was able to keep busy all weekend, and I didn't get on FB that often. Despite a breakdown on Thursday night that made me want to hide under my covers and sleep through the next few days, I made it through and survived the weekend.

On Friday, I woke up dreading work. I felt so drained, and wanted to be anywhere but at work. I kept thinking about Charlotte, and how I wasn't there when I shoulda been there. I was thinking about the things I'd be doing if I was there and who I'd be spending time with. But instead, I was stuck working, which now that I think of it, was probably the best thing to me. Despite irritations with coworkers and a lack of patience on my part, I made it through the day and treated myself to a deluxe pedicure after work. I was able to spend a couple of hours with J, doing a little bit of shopping and a whole lot of crying. I was snappy, and short, and angry, and constantly had a hot/cold temperament. I really felt as though my emotions were uncontrollable, and I wished that I cold step outside my body, grab and shake myself to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I really wasn't myself, and I definitely showed my boyfriend a side of me he has never seen. When it came time to say goodbye, I didn't want to let him leave, because I felt like I just needed him. That day was probably one of the hardest times to see him drive off.

That night, I went out with my friend. I was bummed out that J decided not to go with us, but had been looking forward to spending some time with one of my main girl friends. Although I still wasn't much of myself, I tried to enjoy my night as much as I could. It was my opportunity to not think about the stuff that has clouded my mind. I'm thankful to have such a great friend to talk to and laugh with, who I could be myself and not worry about being judged.

The next day, after a rough morning, I was able to pick myself up enough to spend some time with J. He picked me up with flowers and a card in hand. I read the card and cried. It was the sweetest card anyone has ever given me. It read:

I know things aren't easy for you right now...

You may be wondering how you're going to deal with everything that's facing you.

But I know you -

you have a strong spirit -

and even though it might be hard for you to believe,

I know you have what it takes to get through this time.

And if you ever need to talk or if you'd like the support of a friend,

I'll always be here with open arms, a listening ear, and a loving shoulder to lean on.

And most important,

I'm here to remind you....

as often as you need...

that things are going to be okay.



That was the first time in a long time that I felt comforted to know that I truly am not alone in this. While he may not ever understand the feelings I endure as I miss my baby, he does the very best he possibly could to offer me the love and support as a boyfriend. He has done the most amazing job ever, and it made me cry to know that I have such a wonderful man by my side. I was practically speechless, and anyone who knows me knows what a huge feat that is.

J and I decided to have drinks and appetizers while trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have never cooked for him during the past 5 months since we started dating, and so I agreed to make dinner. It felt good to spend time together without the rush of daily life. It was nice to enjoy one another's company as we shopped for groceries, and went home to cuddle on the couch and watch tv together. It was a nice change of pace to watch the UFC fight in his arms, and cook dinner for him while he enjoyed the fights. It felt amazing to sit down at a dinner table with no one else to worry about but ourselves. I love the feeling of comfort and warmth that he provides me with. I've never felt so safe from harm. He is everything I could have ever asked God for, and more.

All good things come to an end, and before we knew it, it was late. So Saturday ended, and in came Sunday. It was a new day of feeling refreshed and full of life. I made it a point to enjoy the last day of C's spring break with him. We went to have breakfast and to the Festival of Books at USC with my parents. It was a beautiful 90 degree day - the kind of day where you thank God for the beautiful flowers and trees and for family. I enjoyed spending quality time with C, as he always has such a knack for putting a smile on my face. It was a nice way to end my weekend as well. It was the kind of weekend that almost made me forget why I have been so sad, and instead made me grateful for what I have.

There won't be a day that goes by without me thinking about Hope, but I don't have to travel across the country to be with my "sisters" to honor her. Granted, I miss being with the only women who could truly understand the feelings I feel because they feel them too, I am quite blessed to be able to honor her here with the people I care about and who care about me too. I've learned that just because someone doesn't completely understand the feelings and pain that I have associated with this time of year, doesn't mean that they don't love me. The fact that they try makes a world of difference and at the end of they day I find myself thanking God for making me one of the luckiest women in the world. <3