All The Things I Love About You

Getting into my car accident last week snapped me back into the reality that life is too short. It made me appreciate the amazingly wonderful things in my life, most of all, my amazingly wonderful boyfriend. He did a great job at trying to take care of me and really be there for me when I was hurting from the pain from the accident.
A couple of Thursdays ago, after spending my evening with J after work, I suggested we play a game. Each day for the next week or so, we would text each other 10 things we love about the other person. I didn't think he would go for the idea, but he totally agreed with it, and we have been doing it ever since. Here is a compilation of the things we love about the other:

Thursday, August 18, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love the way you make me smile after a long day
2. I love the way you make me feel like I'm the most important person in the world
3. I love how you get my jokes even if they're not funny (which is never)
4. I love how understanding you are
5. I love your smile. That can put a smile on my face.
6. I love how cute you look when you are biting your nails when focusing on something (even though I hate when you bite your nails)
7. I love you how can adapt to any situation and make the most of it
8. I love how you leave my car smelling when you wear my favorite perfume
9. I love how you worry for the both of us.. sometimes too much
10. I love your smarty pants mouth... well, some times more than others lol

10 Things I love About J:

1. I love the way you can make me smile, with the random I love you's and texts you send me throughout the day
2. I love the way you can make me laugh when I'm getting teary eyed on the way home
3. I love the way you and I make such an amazing team, always backing one another up, each person's strengths making up for the weaknesses of the other
4. I love how we can talk crap together about people and things and how you don't get offended
5. I love how you bring out a genuine happiness out of me that I have never experienced in my life
6. I love how you listen to me when it comes to my family issues, but don't hold it against them when you come around, still being able to show respect despite how they treat me
7. I love the way you are always open to new adventures and are always down to try new things
8. I love how the moment I am in your arms, all my worries and fears go away, at least for the time being. I feel comfy enough to never want to leave the safety you bring me
9. I love that you love me, regardless of what I bring with me: a kid or two and a lot of crap that I have been through, I know it's hard sometimes, but you do an amazing job at accepting me for all that I am.
10. I love that I trust you. I trust you with my heart and soul, with my son, with my life. I trust that you won't hurt either of us and that you are good on your words. I trust you to not think twice over what you tell me and give you the power where I believe that all you tell me is the truth.

Friday, August 19, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love how you open my eyes and have me experience new things
2. I love the way you rub my belly because you always know when it's upset
3. I love how you try to cheer me up when I'm blah
4. I love how you give me the extra push to get through the night at work
5. I love when you sing to me when I am tired and driving home
6. I love when you talk to me like a retard, and I make you repeat stuff. It makes me laugh.
7. I love when you text me that you love me to infinity and beyond
8. I love talking about our future together
9. I love when you tell me you are blessed to have me in your life
10. I love that you have let me into your and your son's lives.

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how you are the first person I hear from in the morning as well as the last person I talk to at night before bed.
2. I love how you accept C as a part of me and how you care about him and his well-being
3. I love the way you work hard, day in and day out, to pay bills and accomplish your goals
4. I love the butterflies I get in my tummy before I know I am going to see you. The excitement I get is like when we first started dating, it never seems to get old.
5. I love how I can talk to you about anything any everything and how you always try your best to understand me, even if you don't completely
6. I love the way you push me and motivate me the be the best person I could possibly be. You bring out the best in me and you can handle me when I am at my worst.
7. I love how the randomest things remind me of you.. and they always make me smile
8. I love how you are such a huge part of my life and how I can only imagine the rest of my life with you by my side
9. I wuv that I could act wike a wetard and make you thmile when you are having a bad day at work
10. I love being able to plan our future together and talk about the life we would live and the family we are going to have

Saturday, August 20, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love the inspirational messages you leave me on Facebook
2. I love that you tell me how much you appreciate and love me everyday
3. I love how you tell me random stories on the way home so I don't fall asleep
4. I love how you try your hardest not to fall asleep when I am working until I call or send a good night text
5. I love how I can leave you alone with my parents and you can hold a conversation with them
6. I love how you accept that your man has stomach issues and you help deal with it accordingly
7. I love after a heavy makeout session, you sigh as if it was the first time we ever kissed
8. I love how most of the time, you make an effort to look beautiful for me
9. I love your soft lips
10. I love that you don't like "Mondays" like me

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love that you fulfill my cupcake needs, even just by taking me to My Delight
2. I love how you also take me places I have never been to, even if it's just everyday places like Black Angus
3. I love how I feel like I have a good, positive relationship with your family, and having to wait for you while you shower doesn't cause me a nervous breakdown because I can have a conversation with your mom
4. I love and appreciate the help you are giving me in regards to C and his stuff for school. You didn't have to do that at all, yet you did and I am so grateful
5. As much as I complain that we are "boring", I love love love spending time watching movies on the couch with you. Relaxing with you feels so good.
6. I love the way you attempt to take care of me, even if you did almost burn off the top layer of the skin on my back with the frog heating pad.
7. I love the way you make me laugh and giggle like I'm some teenage girl
8. I love how you listen to my stories and pretend to be interested when in all reality, you are just thankful I kept talking so you could stay awake while you drive
9. I love how I can be myself with you, and i don't ever have to worry about you judging me
10. I love that there isn't a day that goes by where I am not most thankful for having you in my life. You are the best thing to happen to me, and when I say my prayers at night, I always thank God for allowing me to have met my soul mate in the 28 years I have been on this earth. Thank you for being the missing piece to my heart. I love you.

Sunday, August 21, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love that we think alike when it comes to food
2. I love that a cupcake can put a smile on your face
3. I love that the little things make you happy
4. I love to see you happy and I try my best to make sure you are always happy
5. I love that I can drink a beer with you and enjoy a game without you asking dumb questions
6. I love that you pretend to be a Charger fan, even if it means your skin falling off
7. I love that you appreciate our inside jokes because no one else will
8. I love that we can sit and watch people and laugh at the same thing without even having to talk about it
9. I love that you're a hard worker and even in pain, you still take care of what you need to take care of
10. I love the sacrifices you make for your son. It's amazing to see the drive that you have

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I LOVE the way you calm me down when I'm feeling like the world is over and you don't feed fuel to the fire of whatever craziness is going through my head
2. I LOVE when you randomly bring me flowers, especially when I am so sad and feeling the way I was feeling today
3. I love how sexy you looked in your Charger shirt and hat today
4. I love how you understand my mean girl ways and don't think I'm crazy
5. I love your patience and willingness to try and understand me
6. I love love love how amazingly wonderful it feels when you kiss me. It feels like nothing else in the world matters but me and you
7. I love how my happiness is important to you, and how you do whatever it takes to make sure I'm happy
8. I love how it feels when we hold hands, whether it be walking through the mall, in the car, at the movies, or under the table at a restaurant
9. I love how you walk around with this tough outer shell and inside you're the biggest teddy bear ever
10. I love how when I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm some kind of super model. I feel sexy when I'm with you, even if I'm wearing a Charger shirt.

Monday, August 22, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love when you tell me something and I get the mental picture and it makes me laugh
2. I love reading your blog... and sometimes I think I would be lost or maybe have given up on this relationship if not for your blog. It explains the emotions and the feelings that you are feeling that I sometimes may not have known
3. I love the fact that I do miss you 
4. I love your random pictures
5. I love you because you're my best friend and you're always there for me
6. I love the fact that saying I love you comes so easy
7. I love that it has taken time, but you're not always trying to be a guy's girl, instead you've become a girly girl, as much as you pretend not to like it
8. I love the thing you do with your lip when you're sad
9. I love that you allow me to open up and be myself
10. I love that you like my nicknames, all one million of them

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how you call me in the morning, just to make sure I'm awake
2. I love how my music of choice to listen to when I'm alone is country and I always find a way to apply most of the songs I hear to us and our relationship
3. I love how you check up on me throughout the day to ask how I'm feeling and how work is going
4. I love how you make me smile, even when you're not with me
5. I love how we have shared so much during the past 8 and a half months.. you almost seem to know me better than myself
6. I love how other than NFL teams, we seem to share so much in common when it comes to sports
7. I love that no matter how many times you tell me you love me, I never ever get tired of hearing it from you
8. I love that being with you has brought out a girly girl in me I never knew existed
9. I love how seeing the wallpaper on my phone of you, C and I makes me feel complete because the both of you make up my own little family
10. I love that you love me the way I am, even when I am hard on myself

Tuesday, August 24, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love that through all the family BS, you still push through it to make it better for C and you
2. I love that you still fall for the "OMG, guess what? I love you" trick 
3.  I love love love you
4. I love that you make me genuinely happy
5. I love your lil quirkiness
6. I love how you won't let me go to sleep without a goodnight talk
7. I love how you say you talk about me to your friends like I'm something special
8. I love how you're so sweet
9. I love how you are so understanding
10. I love how you don't tell people.... (our secret) :)

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how even though we can't see each other until Thursday, you text me on my way home so it almost feels like you are with me
2. I love how I have been able to send you random pics or stories about my commute and you seem to appreciate the humor in it all
3. I love that the deeper this relationship gets, the more integrated we are becoming (and the more our mutual Facebook friend count grows)
4. I love how even though I know you're a little bit upset with me, you don't tell me, your voice does
5. I love how you let me talk about my day, even though I know you'd much rather go to sleep
6. I love how even though you probably wanna see me as much as I wanna see you, you put your school work ahead of me no matter how much fun playtime sounds
7. I love the way it feels to talk to my friends, to rave, about how truly blessed I am to have found my soul mate
8. I love how you are there for me, morning, noon and night, even when I'm in a shitty mood
9. I love how good it feels when we are cuddled together on the couch and you run your fingers through my hair
10. I love how even when you are half asleep, you make it a point to text me goodnight, even if its a simple, short text, which it rarely ever is

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love that I miss the little things about you when I haven't seen you through the week
2. I love that you tell me sweet dreams before I go to bed
3. I love how you made an effort to get to know all of my family and spent time with them
4. I love that we can talk about current events
5. I love when you plan date nights, they're always fun
6. I love that you're a nerd, a secret undercover nerd
7. I love that you're computer literate because I'm not
8. I love that I can kid around with you and you don't get hurt
9. I love that you're a big crybaby (sometimes)
10. I love that you sleep better at night when I'm safe

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love that we share a silly, sometimes sick, sense of humor that most people would never understand
2. I love that you text me and worry about me, especially when I am taking the bus late at night
3. I love that we can talk about everything, including current events
4. I love the support and motivation you give me day in and day out
5. I love that you look forward to seeing me as much as I look forward to seeing you after a few days of not seeing one another
6. I love how it's so easy to brag about you and the wonderful relationship we have to the world
7. I love that I can share some of the most personal things with you and you never cast judgement on me
8. I love when you get just a little bit jealous when guys hit on me
9. I love how you make sure to take the time out from your busy day to read my blog
10. I love when you and I watch shows like Teen Mom and you take the time and ask me questions, especially the ones related to adoption

Thursday, August 25, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love that you have made me a part of your son's life
2. I love that you like to do things outside of the norm, like tonight (cake decorating)
3. I love that you snort real hard when you laugh real hard
4. I love that you have a secret girl crush on Anjelah Johnson
5. I love that we can go out and meet new couples (and some weirdos)
6. I love our good morning talks
7. I love that you're a crazy picture taker (I've never had that before - fyi)
8. I love that you look pretty for me, even after a long day at work
9. I love how you match your nails to your outfits
10. I love your big ol booty :)

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love how even though you don't completely understand adoption and what it entails, you care enough to try your best to understand
2. I love that you love cupcakes as much as I do
3. I love how even though you may be in a bad mood, you never shine me off or ignore me
4. I love how you have me listening to country music, even when I'm not with you
5. I love how personable you are and how you get along with virtually any person you meet
6. I love how you text me this morning to wish C a good first day of school
7. I love that you were up for cake decorating with me tonight
8. I love that you have turned me into such a cheese ball, something I have never really been before
9. I love that you are the one person I wanna call when I have good news, bad news, or weird news
10. I love that you don't mind that I am a crazy picture taker and that I tag you in all the pictures I upload to Facebook

Friday, August 26, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1. I love how sad you get after I leave you. It feels good to know I am being missed
2. I love that you always know of the good places to eat at
3. I love the ...face you make :)
4. I love that you are so driven, getting a second job, going to school, a son, and me and you don't complain
5. I love that I just spent 10 hours with you and I'm still not tired of you
6. I love that you are so thoughtful, such as planning on a birthday gift for my cousin
7. I love how you randomly tell me you are proud of me
8. I love how I could take you away from whatever you have on your mind, just by relaxing on the couch together
9. I love how you love me rubbing my hands through your hair
10. I love that you love watching wedding shows and get ideas

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love your spontaneity
2. I love how you tease me
3. I love planning your birthday trip, even though it's 2 1/2 months away from now
4. I love our level of intimacy
5. I love the feeling of pride I get when I tell people what a wonderful man I've been so blessed to have in mine and my son's lives
6. I love watching wedding shows together
7. I love when you ask me for homework help
8. I love that you waited for me during my job interview today
9. I love the support you give me, day in and day out
10. I love kissing you, making out with you, and... so much more :)

Saturday, August 27, 2011
10 Things J Loves About Me:

1.  I love how you surprise me with different goodies
2. I love how you won't let me chew around you or I get no kisses
3. I love seeing you be a mama
4. I love how you started this (I Love Yous) and made me stick to it
5. I love spending time with you and C
6. I love when you wear a dress....
7. I love that you can go all day and still want to play in the pool, even with a hurt back
8. I just love you and can't see the both of you not in my life
9. I love that even with your past, you try hard not to let it interfere with our relationship
10. I love YOU

10 Things I Love About J:

1. I love the way you reassure me that you won't hurt me
2. I love watching the way you interact with C when we all hang out together
3. I love knowing that when we have our own kid, you are going to be an amazing father
4. I love doing absolutely nothing together and it being fun
5. I love that my kisses mean more to you than chew
6. I love how you make me laugh
7. I love the way you are so helpful, when in all reality, you don't need to be
8. I love that you actually did 10 days of this and didn't complain too much
9. I love that you understand I've been through bad stuff and don't use it against me
10. I love how we have been dating for nearly 9 months and yet I still feel like this relationship is new and exciting

Unhealthy People & Relationships

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

~ Robert Burney 

For as long as I could possibly remember, I have had my fair share of unhealthy relationships. My first kiss was based on a lie, as the 17 year old boy who kissed me thought I was 15 and not 13. Over the past 15 years of my life, I have found myself in so many different types of situations and relationships, and would cry because I figured that every guy in the world was the same. In the course of the past 10 years, I have dated guys who have cheated on me, lied to me, talked down to me, disrespected me, yelled at me, and one who even put his hands on me. I have been through it all.

After countless counseling sessions and having the realization after my car accident last year that life is too short, I learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but myself. I figured out that I am worth so much more than I was allowing myself to have, and that respect is one of the highest forms of love that could be felt.

By focusing on me and my happiness, as well as adding positive thinking to my life, I have attracted great things over the course of the past year. I have put in 110% of myself into my work and have therefore earned a raise and kept my job, allowing me the ability to move to an office closer to home. I have become a better mom, putting more effort and work into my relationship with C. I have cut the people in my life who just weren't healthy to be around. I have cut down my drinking, partying, and irresponsible choices and actions. Best of all, I have opened myself up to a relationship with someone who loves and respects me and with whom I have the most healthiest relationship with. This new life of mine has changed my perspective and I am seeing the world at a completely new angle.

One of the biggest changes I have had to "deal" with is my lack of patience for people in unhealthy relationships. I have distanced myself from friends who are in bad relationships, mainly because I don't want that sort of vibe near me. Unfortunately, one of the unhealthiest relationships of all is one that I can't avoid, even if I wanted to, as it involves someone who is family (I'm not going to says whose family.. lol), whom I am going to call Tweedle Dee (guy) and Tweedle Dum (girl).

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are older than me, both in their mid- to late-thirties. Both are divorced and have children from their previous marriages - he has 1 pre-teen, and she has 2 late teens. Tweedle Dee doesn't have a job, but goes to school. Tweedle Dum has a career, but only does the bare minimum. They have been dating for about 5 or so months, and to anyone on the outside, seem like a perfect, happy couple who are so in love.

For some reason, as much as I tried to like Tweedle Dum when I first met her, I couldn't. I don't know why, but she exuded some bad vibes. J, on the other hand, insisted that she was great for Tweedle Dee. He said that she was exactly what he needed to stay focused in school and to get ahead. I disagreed, but didn't say much else other than the fact that something about her was "off".

Over the course of the past few months, J and I have had the "opportunity" to hang out with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. From my perspective, the manipulation and toxicity of that relationship has been apparent from the start. What started out as Tweedle Dum paying for meals and activities, turned into her paying for everything they did. Next thing we learned, she was paying his cell phone bill, gym membership and tuition for school, as well as paying for things for his son, including his birthday party.

There have been two incidents of "outings" with the Tweedles that have caused both J and I to have no desire to hang out with them unless really necessary. Both times, a seemingly great time ended up in an altercation between them of some sort. From my point of view, there is no respect, trust, or effective communication between the two of them and it will always cause these types of problems.

Tweedle Dum lacks self esteem. She is desperate for people to accept and love her and does anything and everything she can to go out of her way to do whatever she can. She is distrustful and has a constant need for attention and affection. She has no backbone and is easily persuaded and manipulated. She is naive and desperate for attention. In essence she is the opposite of present-day ME.

It has taken me a few months to figure out why I have such a problem with Tweedle Dum. She's not my girlfriend and hasn't done anything to me directly. Sure, it always seems like she's trying to compete with me, in some weird way, but other than that she has been nice to me. Sometimes too nice, as in OVERLY nice. After much thought and insight, I figured out what it is about her that bothers me so much. She reminds me of who I USED TO BE.

J laughs at me because my psychoanalysis of Tweedle Dum is pretty accurate. She has come from a background of unhealthy relationships (as I have), and a marriage where she suffered from domestic violence. Due to this abuse, she feels the need to be a pleaser, going out of her way to do all and everything (sometimes overboard), to do things for others. She is desperate and clingy and doesn't trust, due to the fact that she has probably been cheated on and lied to. She allows herself to be manipulated and talked down to, probably because in her mind, that is better than being battered physically. She "competes" with me, not because she wants to be better than me, but because she wishes she could be somewhat like me. She puts on a facade that everything is rainbows and sunshine, but to someone like me who has been through it, it easy to see through it.

One would think that being that I understand what she has been through, I would have compassion for her, but I don't. I find myself to be disgusted and appalled by her and her behaviors. I think I feel this way because it is embarrassing to think that at one point in my life, I was like her. I told this to J and he was quite surprised. He said he couldn't imagine me being like that, but we all have our "Once upon a times".

I almost feel angry at Tweedle Dum. Why? I think because her weakness reminds me of a bad time in my life. It reminds me of when I was with C's dad, and when I found myself pregnant with Hope, and of my last relationship. It reminds me of times when I didn't think I was good enough for someone of quality, when I settled for less, and I had no self-esteem. It reminds me of days when I would cry and ask God what I did for him to punish me by putting me through so much, days when I felt like there were no good guys left in the world, at least not for me. She reminds me of all the bad things I wish I could forget I was, and all of the things I never, ever want to be.

I am in a tremendously wonderful place in my life right now. I am genuinely happy and motivated to succeed in life, whether it be through my education, my career goals, or my personal life endeavors. I am in the most healthy relationship I could have ever imagined myself to be in. One based on love, trust, respect, and communication, a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, and 50/50 give and take. I have self-respect and more self-esteem and confidence than I've ever had in my life. I am the complete opposite of Tweedle Dum and have no desire to accommodate for such unhealthiness in my life. I don't think this makes me a bad person; it just means that I want only the best all around in my life, and that includes getting as far away from the toxicity of my past life as I possibly can.

It's only a matter of time before the Tweedles break up. I have my bets that it will be as soon as Tweedle Dee finishes school, since Tweedle Dum is paying his tuition. Although we can't distance ourselves completely from the couple, I am glad that J agrees with me that the unhealthiness of their relationship is not something we want to be around. I am most thankful that what may seem like a crazy blogger girl's rant, is actually something that J understands and respects. Most of all, I am most definitely thankful that I am no longer the Tweedle Dum version of myself.

Hooray for personal growth and development!

Teen Mom = Story of My Life

Anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love the MTV show, Teen Mom. I have been following these girls since they started on 16 and Pregnant. I feel as though I have a connection with each of the girls on the show, as I find that they each represent a struggle I've been through or am going through. I have even blogged about the show for the Birthmom Buds blog and about how much the show has helped me start the grieving process as a birthmom, as I found that I could really relate to what Catelynn and Tyler were going through.

I find that almost each episode of Teen Mom has me in tears, as the girls are always facing something I could relate to. Last night's show was no different, in fact, I think it hit me harder than usual for some reason. I found myself relating to Farrah, as she wants to move away to start a life of her own. While I don't always entirely agree with the girl and her choices or the type of person she is, I completely understand her desire to get away and do things on her own. I am 28 years old and finding that I wish I could get away and live life on my own with C. I feel like my parents have some sort of control over me because they help me out with C so much. It's been nearly 8 years since he was born, and I feel like they always hold it over my head that they help me out and I wish I was as ballsy as Farrah to just say I want out. If it was affordable enough to have a place of my own and still afford C's tuition, I probably would be able to make that happen.

In last night's episode, Maci was talking about wanting to have babies with Kyle. She saw the way that Kyle is with Bentley and how he would make a great dad. She talked about wanting to have a baby that was theirs, one she didn't want to have to share on the weekends. I feel like I could relate. While I don't have to share C with his "dad" the way that Maci has to share custody, I do see the way that J is with C and I can't help but fall in love with him over and over again, as he is amazing with him. I see so many qualities in J that make me realize what an amazing dad he would be to his own children; Qualities that make me see what an amazing husband he would be as well.

During the show, Maci had dinner with her friends and told them about how she and Kyle had the baby talk. They were somewhat shocked and reminded her of the pain and suffering she went through with Ryan, her ex. They reminded her of the nights he wouldn't come home and left her at home to take care of their child. He got to go out and be a teenager while she had to stay home and grow up. No woman ever expects their man to walk out on them when they are pregnant with their child. No woman expects to raise a child on their own. No woman ever really plans on having to deal with the trauma of realizing that their man just isn't ready to grow up, while at that point, there's no choice and growing up and being responsible is the only option.

Maci's friends told her they didn't want to see her go through the same things she had gone through in the past with Kyle. It made me think about my own life and why after I had C, I always said I didn't want more children. I've always had the fear of being put in the same situation I found myself in 8 years ago. I don't want to ever have to raise another child alone again. It's been a long and difficult road and the last thing I want is to have to do it again without someone by my side. Being with J has made the worry and fear go away enough for me to be able to talk about wanting a family and babies of our own. It has made it a lot easier to discuss marriage and what the next step of our relationship would be. It's amazing how much trust I have in him and how much faith I have in the future outcomes of this relationship. It's a feeling I have never in my life felt, and while it is scary, it feels right. I know that he would be a great dad like mine was. I know that he will be an amazing husband like my dad has been to my mom. I know that we make a great team and I am no longer afraid of having to raise another baby alone (when we get to that point), because I know that J would never let that happen.

One of the biggest things about last night's show that has really affected me and has been resonating in my mind is the whole part about Catelynn and Tyler. There are a few things that got to me in this episode:

1. The episode started off with them meeting up with their adoption advisor to pick up pictures of Carly (one thing I am super jealous of). Tyler asked if it would be ok to invite Carly's family to graduation 6 months down the line. It was suggested that he write a letter to Carly's a-parents to give them time to make that decision.
2. Tyler and Catelynn went shopping with their parents to buy gifts for Carly for Christmas. Tyler's dad got really emotional and said that he wanted to send her a gift even though she didn't know who he is.
3. Tyler's mom called Brandon and Theresa (the a-parents), and really freaked them out, especially since she had mentioned graduation. It put Catelynn and Tyler in a place where they were trying to figure out their parents involvement in the adoption. In one scene, Catelynn said that when she made the choice for adoption, she never thought about how that would involve their families, something I could totally relate to. Seeing how much the family has been affected by their choice made me look at my own stuff.

Here's what I am thinking about:

1. Seeing Catelynn and Ty talk about wanting Carly at graduation made me reflect on my own life. I have thought about it time and time again about how much Hope is a part of my life, even though she probably doesn't know I exist. I think about how hard I work in my everyday life to get ahead, and how much she is a part of that motivation to succeed as much as C is. When I made my adoption plan, I didn't think she would ever be as much a part of my day to day thoughts as she has become, and I never thought that she would be such a big part of my decision making and thought processes as she has become. I would love to have her at my graduation from college one day, and I most definitely would die complete if she were at my wedding. I think about how much I wish I could share my successes in life with her and how I don't ever think that would be possible, and it makes me sad. It honestly breaks my heart and has me in tears to think that this little girl has no idea how much she has changed my life, and i wish I could tell her.
2. Watching Catelynn and Ty shop for Christmas gifts made me feel like such a bad birthmom. In the past 6 years, I have attempted to shop for Hope for birthdays, holidays, and just because. I have found myself buying her birthday cards but never sending them. I don't know what to buy or say or do.The last time I bought Hope a gift was when she was first born, when my mom and I took some things we had purchased to the adoption agency and sent them for her. Since then, I have found myself going to the store with the intention of getting her something, and leaving empty handed as I search through the store and realize I have no idea what she likes.  I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't want to share too much or over cross my boundaries. I seriously don't know what the proper etiquette is when it comes to communicating with my daughter, especially when I don't know if her parents have shared with her that she is adopted. This is one of my struggles as it seems as though V & L are very protective and hesitant, even to send me pictures.
3. I completely understand the struggle that Catelynn and Ty are having with their families and their desire of involvement. When I found myself pregnant with Hope, I thought about how adding another child to the family would affect my immediate family. I thought about the adverse effects to everyone's lives, but never really thought about how it would be difficult emotionally. While placing a baby for adoption is an unselfish decision, I have come to realize how the adoption itself has been selfish. I find myself not wanting to share the pictures and letters I get. I don't want to include my family into any of my plan. I don't like when my family talks about the adoption or bad-mouths V&L for not sending more pictures because I PICKED THEM to be MY daughter's parents. I know that she is very much a part of them as she is of me, and that they are hurting as well, but I also feel like they have NO idea as to what it has been like to grow this baby in my tummy and place her in the arms of another family. Granted, they are in pain because they had no say in the decision I made, they have NO IDEA what pain I live with day in and day out and they choose to not acknowledge the fact that this hurts me more than them.

I find that the older I get, the more my mind races with things I didn't think about 6 years ago when I made my adoption plan. I think about how at this time, in 2005, I was meeting V & L for the first time and deciding that they were who my baby was going to call mom and dad. I didn't have much knowledge of adoption, I just knew that there was open and closed adoptions. When I heard about semi-open adoptions, I didn't know about what they entailed and thought that it only meant I was allowed pictures and letters. I had no clue that I could've possibly requested a face to face meeting once a year. If there's any regret I have, it's not requesting that option.

I feel that as the years go by, I want to see her. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her. I want to see for myself what a beautiful little girl she has become and I want to hear her laugh and see her smile. It weighs in heavy on my heart that I don't really know when the next time I will see her will be. I feel so sad at the fact that I was so uneducated about my options, and feel like now it's just a waiting game and lots of prayer to have the ability to meet her again.

Even though I am not a teen, I am thankful for Teen Mom and the fact that it shows me that the things I am going through and the thoughts I am having are normal, even at my age. I also like the fact that the show has helped J understand a lot more about adoption, in turn helping him understand a lot more about me. It has helped give him perspective and caused him to ask questions he probably wouldn't have thought to ask had it not been for the show. I just wish that each show wouldn't cause me to cry like a baby every time. lol

I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the season...

Tangled

With it being the last weekend before school starts for C, I let him stay up late one last night before we start getting ready for new sleep hours. Last night, after I got home from an amazing date with J, C and I cuddled up in bed and watched Tangled on Netflix.

Tangled is basically the Disney version of Rapunzel. She was the daughter of the king and queen of the land they lived in who was taken and raised by a mean woman when she was a baby. Rapunzel wasn't allowed to leave the tower she lived in, but when she turned 18, she snuck out to see the lanterns that were released every year on her birthday. She eventually found out she was the missing princess and was reunited with her parents.

In the movie, there was a scene where it was her birthday, and the king and queen were so sad. C asked me if I would be sad if my son was taken away from me. I said of course. I said, "I understand how they feel. I miss my daughter everyday." C looked at me with alarm and said "Whaaaat? What are you talking about, mom?" I said, "Hope, baby. Hope is my daughter. She's your sister." He said, "No mom, Hope has parents. She's not your daughter." I tried to explain that she came from my tummy to their arms. It was a pretty difficult conversation to have with a 7 year old so we just continued to watch the movie.

Later on, C mentioned something about how the mean lady had adopted Rapunzel. I paused the movie and asked him if he knew what adoption meant and he said, "Yes, mom. Adoption is when people who can't have a baby are given a baby by someone who doesn't want theirs." I explained to him that that wasn't the case. I told him that just because someone is placed for adoption doesn't mean that their birthparent didn't want them, it meant that they loved them enough to give them a life that they wouldn't be able to give them have they stayed with them. It was a pretty heavy talk that resulted in me staying up till 3:30am with so many thoughts running through my head.

I have tried to be open with C as much as I possibly could about Hope since the very beginning. Although he wasn't even two years old yet when she was born, I have tried my best to talk about her and share with him that he has a sister. I don't think he ever really believed it because this "sister" was no where around. I have tried to share pictures of her, but realized that each time someone mentioned how much they looked alike, he would act out. It wasn't until last night that I realized he fully doesn't understand the situation and that worries me.

I am worried that as C gets older and learns more, he will grow to resent me. He wants a sibling so bad, and the fact that he has one who he doesn't know, and it's all my fault, makes me feel pretty bad. I know I made the right choice, as they both wouldn't be able to live the life they live if it weren't for my choice to place her for adoption, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just pray he'll understand, I pray they both will.

I thought about trying to explain more about adoption and the situation with Hope, but I don't want to push more on my little guy than I have to. I want him to keep hold of his innocence and never let it go. I want him to be a normal kid, not having to think or worry about the mistakes and choices I have made in the past. I figure that I will tell him more as he gets older if we are stuck in the same situation.

Leave it up to a Disney movie to leave me just as Tangled as Rapunzel's hair. I am glad we got to watch the movie together, and it was a great movie, but I'm not so glad about the unexpected conversation that came from it with C. But, such is another day in the life of a mom who is also a birthmom.

Crazy, Beautiful Life

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

I know it has been a long time since I updated this blog. So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don't even know where to start. It's almost amazing how looking back at the past month, I have realized how many ups and downs I have gone through, yet am still standing, making it through it all.

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to meet J's entire family. Every year, his family has a family reunion, which was at his house this year. In the 8 months I have been dating J, I had heard many stories about his family, whom he holds to such a high regard. It was very nice to meet every aunt, uncle and cousin he has talked about, although there were some that were missing. I have never, ever felt so welcomed and such a part of the family. I was grateful to have such an opportunity to meet some amazing people.

Of those amazing people, one of the biggest influences on what a great time I had was J's cousin, A. A and I had been Facebook friends for awhile before she and her family made it down to California from Colorado for family reunion week. A reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age (nearly 20) and she and I seemed to have hit it off right off the bat. We got to talk a lot, and the Facebook relationship we had built seemed to have only been strengthened by meeting in person. I am glad I took time off from work, which I rarely ever do, to go to the Orange County Fair, shopping, to Ports O Call, and to do more shopping with J's immediate and Colorado family. I had a great time, but had a really hard time saying goodbye when it was time for them to go back to Colorado. I cried the whole way home from J's house to mine, mostly because I was going to miss A and her incredible family, and also because I knew I wasn't going to be as busy as I was. Them being here in town meant me almost forgetting what has really been in the back of my mind... Hope's birthday.

I feel like as soon as J's family festivities were over, the weight of what is to come next month hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since the beginning of the month, and I almost feel overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way to control it and to not let my feelings get the best of me, but I can't and I find that I am crying much more often than I have in a long time.

I recently got news that things at work are going to change. I'm not sure I could say much for the change other than I am having a hard time with the fact that they are letting someone go, whose spot I will be taking over. I feel bad that it's not because this woman is a bad employee, just that they felt I was a better one. Its been tough, and I am not looking forward to the adjustments and the change that is about to occur over the course of the next few weeks.

With all of that, and school, and a child, and keeping my wonderful boyfriend happy, I got to add getting into a car accident onto my list of things. Yup, I got into ANOTHER one. Not very fun at all, but I am ok and so is my friend, and that's all that matters. Ok, maybe not all that matters... I am sore and achy and I hurt all over. I wish this pain would go away, as its been nearly a week since the accident occurred, but it is looking like it will be awhile before it does. I am most grateful that I could walk and be as normal as I could possibly be, just without the ability to carry my big purse or heavy boxes. This accident, however, made me realize who my true friends are, as they are the ones who have sent me texts or phone calls or facebook messages, asking me if I was alright. I have decided that those who didn't care enough to even send a simple message aren't people I should worry about to spend my time or focus on. It was a great way to turn a "bad" thing into a good one, as I was able to figure out who truly cared about me.

I have had so many thoughts flying through my head lately, at such a high rate of speed that I can't even catch them and put them in any particular order. This may seem like "thought vomit" so here it goes, in no particular order:

• My relationship with J has been fabulous, as it seems to get better and better each day (when I'm not pushing him away due to my own personal issues).
• C is starting the third grade in just a few days and I am overwhelmed but excited for him.
• It is coming on to 5 months since I last received pictures of Miss Hope. I called the adoption agency and spoke to the woman in charge of pictures and letters and she said I should email them again. I have had an email sitting in my drafts box of my email, waiting for me to grab the courage and just send it.
• In addition to the changes at work, I am applying for a position at a call center for Options United, a non-profit pro-life agency in Pasadena, working the hotline for women who have found themselves in unplanned pregnancies. I am really excited for this opportunity, but I am scared at the same time, as I am afraid it will bring up old memories or pain from my past. But as I always say, if my life experiences could help just one person or change one life, my purpose in life has been served and completed.
• My relationship with my family is still crap. It's off and on and off and on. I feel like I have a better relationship with J's parents than I do my own, and they seem to care more about what is going on in my life than my own. It amazes me that my parents don't ever ask me how school is going, and that's all that J's parents ever ask me about each and every time they see me
• I am starting week 7 of my first class tomorrow. 3 more weeks left in this quarter. I cant believe how fast time seems to be flying
• My beautiful, sweet daughter will be 6 years old in 19 days. I am an emotional wreck, and I wish I wasn't. I hate crying and not being able to stop, almost for what seems to be no apparent reason for anyone who has to deal with me.
• J and I started playing a game that was probably the best thing I could've ever suggested. Each day for the past three and hopefully for the next 4 or 5 days, we pick 10 things that we love about the other and text them to each other. My plan is to eventually put all these things in a blog, for him and for me, so that when we are having a rough day, we can look at them and be reminded of all the amazing things the other person loves about us. I am excited for this new little project.

All in all, even though I have been through my share of "bad luck" these past few weeks, I am feeling blessed and fortunate to be able to walk, and live and love. I'm looking to probably get back to writing more since I know for a fact that I am going to need a place to vent my feelings and frustrations over the next few weeks. I just needed to get out all the crazy, beautiful things that are happening in my life.