Blah New Year

Here we are, 23 days into the new year and I absolutely hate it. It's been a rough month of ups and downs and I don't know how much crap I can take. I don't even know where to start, really....

I spent the better half of December preparing for a move for work.. yes, another one! The office I was previously at was moving to a smaller location, and I was one of the people in charge of the move. It was overwhelming, and slightly stressful, but we got through it.

Though the holidays this year seemed as though they were tougher to get through, they came and went without a hitch... ok, maybe just a minor one. I had an awful breakdown on Christmas day where I locked myself in the room and didn't want to do anything. I struggled with the feelings I had pertaining to the adoption, and for the first time in my life, I said I regretted my choice. I know deep down I really don't, but that day I felt like I did. It was the weirdest feeling.

J and I celebrated our first official Christmas Eve dinner together at my house (last year, we had just started dating a few weeks prior to Christmas) but unfortunately, we didn't have the opportunity to spend Christmas Day together. That made Christmas so much harder to get through. But I made it through, and I didn't let it get the best of me. I survived one more year of heartfelt pains and anxieties related to the missing piece of my heart.

I did end up sending an email to Hope's parents for the holidays and got a fairly quick and sincere response which surprised me.On December 27th, I send the following email:

Hello Hope, L, and V!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that you have enjoyed the holidays to the fullest. I hope that Hope got many presents from Santa and that she got all that her heart desired. I hope you don't mind the email, but I have been thinking about you all and just wanted to say hello.

I've been very busy with work (still at the same non-profit, working at two offices but looking for a new job) and school (it's currently winter break, but made it through successfully with my first full quarter at this new university), but have also made lots of time to enjoy life to the fullest. C has kept us busy with soccer and we have been doing  family stuff with the holidays having been here. We have been very blessed to have had a great Christmas, having gone to Knott's Berry Farm on Friday, enjoying dinner at our house with the family on Saturday (Christmas Eve) , and then spending time with family that came from Florida to visit on Sunday for Christmas Dinner at my aunt's house. On top of all of that, I have taken up (and have gotten good at) baking cupcakes. I LOVE cupcakes, and I love making them for everyone. I'm even thinking of maybe possibly starting a side business making cupcakes :)

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that I have thought about your family alot, as I do every holiday that passes. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about Hope, and I thank God for the amazing opportunities she has thanks to you. I have a gift for her and am planning on sending it within the next week or so if that is ok with you. I also wanted to send you a link to a photo album I made of some of the pictures we have of things we have done throughout this past year. I'm sure you are interested in knowing more about our life and the things we like to do and the people who we surround ourselves with, so I added captions to the pictures. If for some reason, you have trouble with it, let me know.
 https://picasaweb.google.com/108828241351208040940/2011?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCI3JwZPTpqi3ew&feat=directlink

I hope you all have a Happy New Year, may 2012 bring you much love and success. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sending lots of love your way,
M :)

A few days later, two to be exact, on December 29th, I got this email in my inbox:

Dear M,

We love to hear from you, never think that you could bother us. You have given us the greatest gift we could ask for and love you for that.

Hope had a very nice Christmas. Santa was very good to her as she is a good girl. She had a big surprise Christmas night when I pointed out to her that her two upper front teeth are lose.  She lost her first lower front tooth a day before Christmas eve last year, and then the second one.  She was shocked in a good way.

As usual, she is doing wonderful. At the moment school is easy for her. She reads sight words at 4th grade level and enjoys math. V and I are very happy that school comes easily for her.

V was very busy with the Chips for Kids program, at work, this holiday season. Hope was on the poster again for CBS2/KCAL9. She has alot of fun with it.

On about you, what school did you transfer to? Are looking for the same type of work? Do you make your own special cupcakes?  Glad to hear C is keeping you busy as I know kids do.

We think about you too. I hope to send you some up to date pictures this weekend of  Hope. You can always send gifts to me at my work address:

We will go on line and look at your pictures this weekend.

We send our love to you and your family and have a happy and safe New Year.

Love always,

L and V

Granted, I have yet to hear back from them, and am still awaiting pictures, I was very excited to have gotten that email, as it felt like the most sincere correspondence I had ever gotten from her. After reading this email, I felt like there was no better way to end 2011. I felt like I was ready to bring on 2012 and all this has to offer me, at least until New Years Eve...

NYE was a weird day. I spent most of the day at home, baking, in preparation for the evening. The plan for J and I was dinner with my family and then off to his family for a midnight countdown. Dinner ended up being a tad bit later than anticipated. J was grouchy because he was hungry, C wasn't feeling very well while we waited to be seated for dinner. After we waited an hour to be seated, C started feeling worse and worse to the point where he had tears in his eyes. J suggested we take C home, and on the way, we stopped to get some 7up for C and some dinner for J and I. We weren't even a half mile away from home when the smell of the food hit C and he started vomiting uncontrollably - yes, in J's Lexus. OMG.. what a nightmare. Then, the moment the smell of vomit hit J's nose, he started to gag and I was afraid he would vomit as well. It was an incredible ordeal. I got C into the house, threw him into the shower with clothes on and all and went to help J try to clean out his car. I went back and forth for a bit until the situation was under control and both were as taken care of as possible considering all that had happened. Needless to say, we never made it to J's house for the countdown. We stayed at home and celebrated with 7up in paper cups. Maybe this was a sign of what my year would be like...

Considering we are only 23 days into this year, this year has definitely taken me for a spin. On New Years Day, I made the mistake of going through J's phone and finding conversations from a few months prior between him and a coworker. Granted it was harmless flirting (or so I hope that's all it was), I was extremely hurt and heartbroken. He almost broke up with me for not trusting him and for going through his phone, and I almost broke up with him for "cheating" on me and hurting me. We realized that we both love each other waaaaaay too much to let a bump in the road ruin our relationship and are trying to work through it, in hopes that it makes us stronger than ever. It has really been difficult to overcome this pain and hurt I feel, but I know I love him and that he loves me and that this was a mistake that won't happen again. I would like to think that this was a lapse in judgement, and I have to try to keep that in mind when I have days where I may doubt him in the back of my mind. We have had an extremely healthy relationship up until this point, at least the healthiest I have ever been in, and I'm not willing to throw it all away due to his mistake. I can only hope and pray that this situation made him realize my value and that it makes us stronger as a couple, which I have a feeling it will. I just need to get through this period of trying to blame myself and figure out what I did wrong that could've prevented him from needing the "newness" of talking to someone else. I know I have to get it through my head that it wasn't anything having to do with me, but it's hard not to when this is something that has occurred over and over in my life. Makes me almost feel like I'm not enough, like I will never be... but I know that isn't the case.

Since then, things have started to get better, although we seem to have rocky days here and there, as all couples do. I think we have both pretty much decided that we are soulmates and that we both want a future together. Marriage has come up a lot more and we have even done some engagement ring browsing. I really see my life with J by my side, and I know that we are meant to be together, despite whatever curveballs God throws our way. I hope that we get through this, or rather, should I say, I get through this, and that I can completely forgive and forget so that I can move on because I do love him and do want to be his wife one day (hopefully soon).

It seems like things are changing all around me in regards to a lot of people's relationships. Mostly for the good. I got asked to be a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding for a good friend of mine this coming August. J, C, and I are planning on taking our first family vacation to Minnesota. It will definitely be an experience we will never forget, but I am really looking forward to it. It should be fun for sure.

In addition to relationship stuff, I have been swamped with work and school. School started on the 9th and has kept me fairly busy. I am drowning in homework and assignments and have so much to do. Luckily I am already in week 3 and only have 7 more weeks to go. I am definitely being challenged in ways I've never been challenged before, and while I am struggling, I am proud of myself for not giving up when things got tough, as I have in the past.

As for the work stuff, that's almost a whole other blog in itself. Its been tough to try to get accustomed to running things smoothly at two offices. There have been some bumps in the road, but I'm hoping to get all the kinks worked out to make it more efficient for me as I try to get the hang of balancing two offices at once.

I am really hoping that this year can only get better from here. This is the last month before I turn 29 and I am hoping that my last year in my 20's is amazing and life changing. I don't want to have so many expectations of a great year, but I definitely want to live it up and enjoy it, as time only goes forward and never stops. Who knows what the next 11 1/2 months hold for me, but it better be a positive change from the lemons I've had to turn into lemonade. :)

Merry Christmas, Little One

Dear My Beautiful Daughter,
Today is Christmas. It is the sixth Christmas I've had to celebrate without you in my arms. The sixth year of wondering what Santa left for you under the tree and if you wake up early, excited for his arrival the night before. This is the sixth year of wondering what the look of delight in your face is like when you wake up and discover the gifts under the tree in the morning, or do you open your gifts in Christmas Eve? You would think that six years would make this easier for me, but it isn't.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. I wonder what you're doing or where you're going or how you are celebrating your holidays. There isn't a day that I don't wonder what life would've been like had I kept you here with me and your brother, where I wonder if you would be as happy as you are now.

I bought you a gift this year. It's a beautiful Pocahontas doll. I know I never bought you anything before, but I just never knew what to get you. I cried when I stood in line to purchase your gift. It was a step made in overcoming my issues... Or so I thought. I'm sorry, but the gift is still in the trunk of J's car, where it has been since I purchased it. I have been struggling with myself to send it, and am still battling my thoughts and feelings because I'm afraid you may not like it. I'm afraid you will wonder why now, and not the past six years. I am afraid of a lot of things.

This is the hardest Christmas ever. I've never been this way and I am struggling in so many ways. I am upset. I am hurt. I am broken on the inside. It's no ones fault but my own that you aren't here. For the first time ever, I regret my choice. The selfish part of me wishes I had kept you here with me so that I could celebrate days like this with you. But like I said, its selfish of me to think that way.

I keep checking my email to see if your parents will send me an email or a picture of you for Christmas. I keep hoping that somehow, someway, things would be different and maybe they would think of me for once this year, but maybe it was too much to pray for.

I miss you, little angel. Like a lot. I wish you were here to celebrate this day, to fill the hole in my heart that was created the day I said goodbye to you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I love you forever and for always.

Love,
With every ounce of my heart,
Your Birthmom

The Best Year of My Life

"I love you not only for who you are, but for what you are when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but what you are making of me." ~ Roy Croft

It's so amazing how life can change so dramatically from almost one day to the next, and it is more amazing how fast time seems to fly when you are having fun. A little over a year ago, I was enjoying life as a single woman, going out to clubs and bars and frequenting happy hours. I was enjoying nights out with my girls, and hanging out on Sundays watching sports with my guy friends. I would drink like a fish, and besides work, and school, and C, I really had nothing else to worry about.

A couple of days after Thanksgiving of last year, on a rainy Saturday night, I was home doing mommy stuff with C and in during breaks of working on his project due the following Monday, I started texting back and forth with a handsome EMT who I have met through friends but not officially met. This guy made me laugh, and I can remember us talking and texting till really late that night. It was so awesome to meet someone who had such a similar sense of humor as mine. Throughout the following week, we found ourselves talking and texting nonstop.. this guy made me laugh in ways no one could.

Around mid-week of that first week we had been talking, I came up on some tickets for the USC vs. UCLA rivalry that following Saturday. I had asked some friends if they wanted to go, but everyone seemed so flaky. I asked my sexy EMT who I had been texting all week if he was up for going, and he said sure. He was going to just go and tailgate with friends, so he was pretty stoked about the invitation to go to the game. I was excited that he said yes, but so so nervous at the same time. We agreed that he would pick me up at 6am and we would tailgate and hang out until game time at 7pm.

On the morning of December 4, 2010, I woke up extremely early, got ready and waited for this guy to pick me up. A little bit past 6am, this silver Lexus pulled up to my house, and this hot, buff guy in a USC jacket came out. I think it was love at first sight <3 That was the first time I met J in person, and I was mesmerized (an instantly self conscious because he looked like a gym rat and I had never stepped foot near a gym). I was glad his friend was in the car with us and we all were talking on the way to meet his friend's friends.

We got to the Rose Bowl at around 8am, and had a full day ahead of us of drinking, and playing games, and getting to know all the people in the group we went with. We gelled so well together, and it was pretty awesome how well I got along with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. They made me feel comfortable and welcomed, as well as J was always checking on me to see how I was doing. Around 3 hours into this "date", I text a friend of mine and told her "I think I just met my future husband". Maybe I was intoxicated, or maybe the fact that this guy proved to me in a short amount of time that he was unlike any guy I had ever met... either way, it was probably one of the first times I have ever uttered those words about anyone in my life.

J and I went to the game, he got to meet my friend and his girlfriend, and we got to enjoy seeing our team beat their rivals. It was an all around great time. Not to mention, he and I really hit it off extremely well. We went to grab some food after the game with his friends and cuddled in the back seat while his friend drove us home. When he dropped me off at 1am, I couldn't even believe that I had such an amazing time and that I spent the past 18 hours with such wonderful company. Who would've known that that first date would change my life in so many ways...

Here I am, a year later, putting the pieces together of how this relationship came about. I thank God every day for blessing me with the most wonderful, amazing man to ever come into my life (aside from my dad and my son). I never thought a love like this was possible, but I am so glad to be the one to be able to prove otherwise. I truly feel lucky and special to experience this, and am so glad that he seems to feel the same way I do.

Throughout the course of the past year, we have done and seen a lot, more than I have in any other relationship. We have gone to museums, on three trips to San Diego, to a USC game, a couple of Dodgers games, a Galaxy game, a Laker game and a Charger game. We have met each other's families, and our families have met each other - and actually liked each other. We have celebrated birthdays, our own and C's, and he has been by my side as I went through the roller coaster of emotions when it was Hope's birthday. He has been a pillar of strength when I didn't think I had any left in me, and he has been a constant motivator, pushing me to succeed in all I do. He has become my one true love, my soul mate, and my best friend.

I know that being my boyfriend isn't always easy. Getting used to dating a girl with a child has been difficult at times for J, but he has done an amazing job at accepting C and being an amazing role model for him. As hard as it has been for him to know about what it is to date a birthmom, he has been great at trying his best to understand. He has been there to hold me and hug me when the emotions hit me out of nowhere. He is patient and understanding when I get into my moods. He does his best to communicate with me when I try to shut him out, and when he have "hard" times, they really aren't that hard. To say he is amazing is an understatement.

Since we started dating, I have changed and become such a different person. Partying and hanging out at the bar are not as fun to me any more. I find that I have more fun spending time on the couch watching movies or at the table doing homework with J by my side. I enjoy time that we spend with C the most, as I feel that our bond only strengthens and the possibility of a future family is even brighter. Seeing the two of them together makes me so happy to know that this is what my future consists of - the three of us.

I have always believed that God creates us with a matching piece. When the pieces are put together, it's somewhat like a completed puzzle, as it creates a beautiful picture. By having J in my life, I feel that my puzzle has been completed, and now it's up to us to determine the picture that the world will see. I don't see myself with anyone else by my side. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. He is my one true love and I am so grateful to have been able to be his girlfriend this past year.

Happy Anniversary, My Love <3

Being Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving. It's a day to give thanks for all of life's blessings, so I decided that I am going to dedicate today's post to voicing who and what I am most grateful for in my life.

First and foremost, I am beyond grateful to have such a happy, healthy, smart, loving, amazing child. C is my reason for waking up each morening, getting out of bed when I would much rather sleep, and for braving the cold, heat, wind, sleet, rain, hail, or snow, to catch the bus and work all day. I am so proud of that child, and each day of his life, there hasn't been a moment where he hasn't ceased to amaze me. I don't know what the past 8 years of my life would've been like without him in them, and although they haven't been easy times, I wouldn't trade them for the world. That child is my motivation and determination to succeed and be someone he could be proud of one day.

I am beyond grateful this year to have one of the most amazing, loving, caring, sweet, generous, sexiest boyfriends in the entire world. Having J come into my life a year ago was the biggest blessing God has ever given me, aside from being able to become a mother. I have never in my life thought that I would be so lucky to find someone who I could consider to be my soulmate. Ever since the moment he came into my life, I have known that J was different, and throughout the past year, he has proven me time and time again that he is. The gratitude I feel for him is almost inexplicable, as he has taught me many life lessons, such as patience, unconditional love, happiness, and how to be able to count on someone. He is the one person who I love to hear from when I wake up, and the last person I want to talk to before bed. He is my one true love and I cannot wait until the day we start our own family together.

Speaking of family, I am quite grateful for having the family I have. I know they are the source of many of my gripes and complaints, but they have been there for me through thick and thin throughout the roughest years of my life, even if they didn't support my choices and decisions. Thanks to my parents, I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. They help me out with C and I don't think I could ever repay them for all they have done for the both of us. In addition for being thankful for my own family, I am also very grateful for J's family. They have amazingly wonderful and supportive of everything in my life throughout the past year, and I don't think I could've been so lucky to find an amazing boyfriend with an equally amazing family.

I didn't know where to put this next item on myy list at in regards to the order of things I am thankful for in my life. It's probably a weird thing to be grateful for, but I am. I am most thankful for having had the opportunity to have been blessed with a wonderful family to adopt my little angel. While holidays are usually the source of pain throughout the past few years, this year, I am more thankful than anything that my child has been blessed with a loving, caring family who loves her tremendously. As selfish as this next statement may sound, I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had since the adoption to make my life "right". I promised my little angel that I would be a better person the day she decided to meet me in the future, and slowly, but surely, I am living up to that promise. I wouldn't be where I am at in my life without that experience, and while I miss her so much everyday, I know that I made the best choice for all of us and for her.
I am also pretty thankful for having a job. In this day and age, with the economy being what it is, anyone with a job should be grateful. Yet, within the past year, I have gotten a raise, kept my job, and been given more hours to work. I am most absolutely blessed for having been given an opportunity to not to have to struggle or stress like many people out there. Although life is definitely not easy, it is a lot easier to know that I have a steady income that I can depend on to pay for what needs to be paid for.

While some may not consider it an opportunity to be grateful for, I am super lucky to have the to have the chance to go to school and be on my way to earning a degree. Nowadays, you can't work a decent job without having AT LEAST a Bachelors.

Most importantly, I am super grateful for the chance to wake up each day, open my eyes, take a deep breath of air, and walk out of bed. I have my health, all my body parts, and a positive attitude that has helped get through some of the roughest days. Thank you, God, for all of these things and more.

Crazy Month

I feel like so much has gone on in my life during the past month, and I really haven't had much of a chance to blog besides a rant about birthmoms. It was a great month of celebrating two very special birthdays at the beginning (C and J's birthdays that are about a week and a half apart from one another) and the rest of the month has been spent planning the trip J and I are taking to Sand Diego this weekend. This trip couldn't have come at a better time.

After C's birthday was over and done with, I was on a mission to plan for J's birthday. After all, he was about to turn 30 and that was a big milestone, in and of itself. I had gotten together with his mom and she and I planned a surprise birthday party for him. It was one of the hardest and biggest secrets to have to try to pull off. Luckily, I did and it was a great success.

On J's actual birthday, I had gone over to his house as soon as he left for school. His parents and I got everything ready and I rushed home to get ready since he was supposed to pick me up for "dinner" with his family later on. When we got to his house, with C unable to look J in the eyes the whole way there, the family came out with balloons, and his friends came out behind them. J was in absolute shock. I wish I could've taken a picture of the whole thing. I thought he was upset with me as he didn't talk to me for almost an hour after we had gotten there. Luckily, he was just so extremely happy, he didn't know how to react (or so he says).:) It was nice to be able to celebrate his birthday with his family and some of his closest friends. I'm sure he enjoyed it as well.

In addition to a Chargers themed party, I bought J tickets to the Chargers/Broncos game this weekend. Since the craziness of party planning was over, and the relief of not having to keep such a huge secret from him took over, I got to look forward to planning a trip down to San Diego for this coming weekend. We both have been in desperate need of a break from reality, and J, being the wonderful boyfriend that he is, decided that we should have double reason to celebrate on this trip. The occasion: his 30th birthday and our 1 year anniversary! YUP! 1 year! Well, not technically yet a year because our anniversary is a week from Sunday (December 4th) but this weekend will be a year since we first started talking. Its so amazing to see how far we have come in a year, and I am so beyond excited to celebrate it out of town, together for 4 days and 3 nights in one of our favorite cities. I am looking forward to the surprises that my wonderful boyfriend has planned for me when we get there on Friday, and am also looking forward to hanging out with our friends who are coming on Saturday to celebrate with us as well. It will definitely be a weekend to remember.

With all the busy-ness of party and trip planning, as well as being busy with work that feels like two jobs, I am happy to report that I am in the midst of week 7 of the quarter at school and I am doing extremely well in my class. Yay me! I have put in tremendous hard work and effort into my school work and have really been proud of myself for kicking butt in school. I still have 3 1/2 more weeks left in the quarter, but I have faith in myself that I will get through it and succeed. So excited to get through the first hurdle of starting an online program. I am well on my way to a Bachelor's Degree in no time...

All in all, I have been in a positive, upbeat mood for the most part this past month. I have been super excited and happy for all the blessings that have come my way and I look forward to what else is in store for me. I am definitely one happy chick for having gotten through such a crazy month. Definitely excited for this upcoming weekend away. :)

Stop Playing the Victim

WARNING: This blog post might possibly be offensive to some, but I had to vent, so I am apologizing in advance.

I am a mom. I am a girlfriend. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a birthmother.

What the heck does being a birthmother mean? It means I have made one of the ultimate sacrifices to provide my blood with a life I wouldn't have been able to provide had I parented two children. It means I have to miss her on holidays and her birthdays, feeling a pain I never felt before. It means I have to wonder who she is, what she's like, where she's at, and how she is doing. It means I have to miss out on firsts, such as her first step, her first words, her first day of school, her first loose tooth, her first everything. It doesn't mean that I can go around with this woe is me attitude for a decision I MADE ON MY OWN.

Adoption is a hard and difficult choice. Do I regret it? Heck no. NEVER! Would I do it again? Umm, I'd like to think I wouldn't be stuck in the same position I was in 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. Would I change things about my adoption? I don't think so. Am I happy about the choice I made? I don't think happy is the word to describe how I feel about giving my opportunity to live a life I wouldn't have otherwise been able to provide, for her and for my son.

Hope, as well as C, have things that they probably would have been able to go without had I chosen to parent both. It was what was best for them, although I know it will be a difficult road ahead as they get older and have more questions and probably some resentments due to my choices. Am I prepared for that? Probably not, but how can one really prepare for the questions kids ask? I guess we will take it all as it comes in the future.

So why the blog post?

A few weeks ago, I had written about a support group I had joined on good ol' Facebook. At first, this support group was amazing. I read so many different stories about how so many women got to be birthmothers as well. All the women in that group had a different story leading to the same ending: pain, sadness, and the bittersweet thought of knowing that we were making the choice to give our babies a better life. We all deal with the pain and emotion that comes with grieving the loss of our babies that we technically didn't really "lose". We deal with the sadness of not being able to celebrate important milestones with "our children". It was almost like we were sisters, brought together by such a sad, almost unspoken, tragedy in our lives.

As time went on, however, I realized that I am very different from most other birthmothers. A lot of the girls on there seemed to be playing the part of the victim. Time and time again, I would read stories badmouthing adoptive parents. Stories of how terrible the a-parents were to these birthmothers, one set of parents having a case against the bmom for harassment. I read stories about these women who continue to cry over, and over, and over about their choice of adoption, and it almost disgusted me. The place for support was just somewhere to rant and rave about all the negative crap. Why not be happy about the good things.

I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of this group. I am in such a good place in my life, I didn't want to get sucked up in such a negative, angry energy. But for some reason, just like staring at a bad car accident, I continue to check back with the group from time to time to see all the train wreck headcases that continue to post. I am in awe by how terrible these "women" make being a birthmom look.

I get it, we all have made mistakes in our lives. In the case of a birthmother, giving birth is proof of such mistakes - lack of protection and better judgement, to say the least. Granted, there are some who didn't have a choice, who have been raped or assaulted, and to those women I give the ULTIMATE RESPECT to. But to the other women, being a birthmother doesn't necessarily earn you an award for runner up to sainthood like Mother Theresa. No one owes you anything for placing your baby, and I'm sorry, but you don't get my sympathy vote when you let it happen over and over again.

Let me take a step back to paint a picture as to what I mean. I was a single mother before I became a birthmother. I made the choice I NEEDED to make to fix my mistakes. Yes, as much as I love my children, it was a MISTAKE to get pregnant at that point in my life - BOTH TIMES. After having to go through the pain of placing Hope, there was no way in hell I would put myself through such an emotional roller coaster again. I have done all I can to ensure that I stay protected and don't have another "accident" as I did before. Granted, I am in a WAY better place in my life than where I was 6 years ago, but there's no way I am going to get pregnant until I am really ready. I wish I could say the same for some of the other birthmoms I have come across. Abortions, second sometimes third adoptions - when is enough, enough? When will women learn their lesson and stay protected? Is it that hard to purchase condoms or birth control in a country such as ours that offers birth control at Planned Parenthood for free to low cost? Adoption is AMAZING, but so is safe and protected sex.

So many people are talking about National Adoption Awareness Month, which is completely amazing that it is nationally recognized (although it seems more to be for the other two parts of the triad than the birthmother part). It is so great for there to be more awareness and education about adoption, BUT when will there be a National Safe Sex Awareness Month? When will people learn that while sex is so much fun, it isn't that much fun if you're not prepared and protected for it? When will they learn that adoption and abortion aren't forms of birth control? Why are people so afraid to talk about these things, especially in the birthmother world?!

I guess it's time to get off my soapbox, and honestly, I really am sorry if I've offended anyone by this post. I just really needed to explain how I feel. I don't portray myself as a victim. I made the choices I made to get me to where I am today. I feel like I deserve the pain and heartache I feel on her birthdays and near Mother's Day. It's a reminder of a situation I don't ever want to be in and deal with again, and it keeps me focused on making the proper choices so that it doesn't happen. I just wish other women would follow suit and keep from making the same mistakes over and over again....

Falling Tears

What are you supposed to do on days when you just want to give up? Days when waking up and getting out of bed and going to work and doing what needs to get done is so much hard work and takes up so much energy? I wish I had stayed under the covers all day today. My head hurts, my heart hurts and my eyes hurt from so much crying, and really, to be honest, I'm not sure why.

Yesterday was C's birthday party. It was a lot of work and it sucked the life out of me, but I made it through and my little guy had a great time, his friends came, he got some great gifts and everyone enjoyed themselves. My parents and J's parents finally met and they got along really well, probably better than I could imagine. I should be happy, right? Yeah, not so much. The moment the party was over, I just felt really sad. I felt like I stepped into a deep hole and I am trapped. I have felt overwhelmed, emotional, sad and even lonely. I can't even explain what it is that made me feel this way especially after a day that was supposed to be happy.

Granted it was a birthday party for my son, it really hurt me that my "friends" that I invited didn't come. They didn't even call. I am grateful that one of my friends showed, as did one of J's friend and his girlfriend who also become a good friend, but no one else did, not even his "godmother". I am really disappointed and have come to the conclusion that I don't really have friends, and if I do, I don't really know who they are. I have no one I could count on and really, honestly, my heart breaks because I feel alone. I can't always depend on J to be there by my side forever.

I have been overly paranoid and sensitive lately, more than my usual emotional mess. I have been clingy and have needed reassurance just to get through my days. I am even sick and tired of myself, but I can't snap out of it. I almost feel like giving up, and I really don't want to go back to that dark part of my life. I am fighting and willing to do anything I can so I don't fall into the hole that was depression. I have too many good things going in my life for me to go through all of that again.

I hate that this has carried into every aspect of my life. I practically cry when J leaves. I feel so empty when he isn't around, and yet lately, when we've been together, we haven't had very much quality time. I am having a really hard time with the fact that his female partner at work is carpooling with him. I HATE it, to be honest, that another woman is spending more time with my man during the week than I do on the weekends. I HATE that I don't know her, and while I don't want to know her, I should. I am so angry and upset and it's not even his fault. I think I'm more upset because I want him to hold me and hug me and let me cry in his arms and never let me go, but that's not reality... yet, I forgot what is.

I don't understand what did me in like this. I was fine just a few weeks ago, and yet here I am talking about giving up and having all this pain and sadness and not even knowing where its coming from. Ok, well maybe I do, and I wish there was something that could make it go away...

A few posts ago, I think I wrote about R & H. J has known R since second grade and he is one of his best friends. His wife, H, has been pregnant and due in a few weeks. Two weeks ago, she had some problems and went to the hospital where they performed an emergency C-section to deliver the baby. The baby was born with some complications, as well as had some swelling in her brain. R kept J updated through text with news about the procedure the baby had to undergo. She was a little fighter, or so it seemed. Unfortunately, she was faced with too tough of a battle and left this earth to become a little angel in Heaven on Friday. We found out Saturday and things just haven't been the same with me ever since.

I can't stop crying or thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about the pain and sorrow that R & H are dealing with right now. They have constantly been on my mind, and honestly, while I was celebrating my own wonderful, healthy child, I couldn't help but feel sad for them. I think that this has affected me more than it needs to because it was a reminder of my own loss. Granted, Hope hasn't passed away, and she is still a smiling, beautiful healthy child, but she's not my child. I felt like learning about the baby's passing brought on so many feelings of guilt and resentment, feelings I haven't had in a long time.

I can't stop thinking about how much pain both R & H must be in, but I feel the most about H. She carried that baby inside of her for 8 months. She felt her move and kick and grow. She rubbed her tummy like a proud mommy to be and talked about this baby with excitement as she showed off her brand new stroller that would be great for walks with the newborn and their one and a half year old daughter. She gave birth to this baby and has the scar to prove it, but nothing more. Just like me, she went home from the hospital empty handed, but unlike me, she has a bassinet and a freshly painted baby room with no baby to put in it. Life is so unfair and so messed up.

I've been questioning God a lot, lately. I have been so incredibly angry and upset with him. Why did this have to happen to such amazing people? Why couldn't this have happened to me six years ago instead? I was the one who got pregnant with a baby she couldn't possibly take care of. I was the one who hid my pregnancy for 9 months. I was the one who didn't go to the doctor and get prenatal care. I was the one who woke up every morning, mad at God for giving me another day of life. I was the one who contemplated ways to die or at least ways to make the thing growing inside of me go away. I was the one who gave birth to a beautiful and perfectly healthy baby girl who has just celebrated being on this earth for 6 years. Why me? I couldn't even take care of this child, and granted, I gave her the gift of life and the opportunity to live a long and happy life that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to provide for her, why was she born healthy, and not R & H's baby.

I can't even put into words how deeply this has affected me. I am sitting here at work choking back tears because this all makes me feel like a terrible person, an awful mother. I didn't want my baby and she was born perfect. This wonderful, happily married couple wanted their baby and she has lost her life. This has cut open old wounds and opened up new ones as I find myself so incredibly sad and hopeless about the situation. I also feel like how can I sit here and cry about how much I miss my baby when there's hope I may someday hold her, yet here is this woman who will never be able to hold her child in her arms until she meets her in heaven.

I feel like I can't breathe. There's a heavy weight on my chest and an overwhelming sense of sorrow within me. I decided I need to go back to counseling. For the sake of my sanity and my relationship, it needs to be done. I have way too many issues to deal with and the last think I want to do is regress to the old me, especially when I have worked so hard to be the new me. I want to be happy again and I want to be able to genuinely smile again. I don't want to feel so sad and so angry and so whatever it is I am feeling. I need to change, and if I don't make that change soon, I'm only headed on a downward spiral. There's no way I could go through that again, not now, not ever.

Fear

Anyone who knows me really well could tell you that I am a very fearful person. I fear a lot of things, such as spiders, moldy sandwiches, and the dark (don't laugh at me). I fear losing someone I love, losing my job, and losing my life. One of my biggest fears, however, is getting hurt by someone I love, or even worse, me hurting someone I love.

C's birthday is 6 days away. On top of being busy with work and school, I have feverishly been trying to plan a little extravaganza for him to enjoy his special day. As with every year I plan a party for him, I go into reflection mode, and not the good kind. I fall into this "woe is me" mood and I admit it isn't healthy. I hate that my thoughts keep me up till late hours of the night, they cause paranoia within me that spread into my own current relationship as well as cause me to create problems in my life when there aren't any.

Why am I like this? I'm not sure. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that C turning a year older is a reminder of how much my life changed when I found out I was going to have a baby 8 1/2 years ago. His birthdays are a reminder of the pain I endured as he grew inside of me - both emotionally and physically, as I found out I got cheated on when I was 7 months pregnant and the abuse and threats he put me through when I confronted him about it. His birthdays remind me of my constant struggle throughout the past 8 years as a single mother - of me having to learn how to grow up, be responsible, and truly care for someone else. His birthdays remind me of the greatest gift God has ever given me, a gift that I haven't always appreciated as much as I should have throughout the past 8 years.

I'm sitting here at work, crying my eyes out as I write this blog. No one understands what you go through until they go through it themselves. No one understands how hard it has been to get through the darkest days since I became a mother. They don't understand all the pain, tears and sweat that has gone into trying to raise my son on my own. I've been blessed to have the family I do, even if they aren't good to me. Without them, I probably wouldn't be where I am at today and neither would C.

Last night, J and I had a talk on the way home from his house. We talked about C's Sperm Donor. We talked about how he thinks I should give C the opportunity to meet his SD. He said that if he finds out I knew where he was all along, and that I am the one that kept him from meeting him, that he will resent me and be upset at me for doing so. I feel that this situation is such a Catch-22. I am trying to protect my son from all the things I went through. I want to protect him from being harmed in any way possible. I also have to admit, though, that I am scared.

I am scared that after all the hard work I have put into being C's mom - the waking up in the middle of the night, the taking care of him when he was sick, the sitting together and doing homework or projects - will all go out the window when he meets him. I am afraid that he will forget about all I have done for him and that he will love this person more than me. I am so afraid that his want and need of a dad in his life is so great, that he won't want me anymore. Granted, these are probably irrational fears, but it really hurts to even think about it.

This is all territory that I am so unfamiliar with. I grew up with both a mom and a dad, a good one at that. My dad has always done his best to be there for us, day in and day out. He and my mom worked as a team to raise us three girls, and he was always the pillar of our family, holding it down, especially through tough times. That was my ideal and something that I always wanted for my own children - a mom and dad to love them unconditionally, who never missed a birthday, or holiday or special event. I feel like I have failed my son by not being able to provide him with that.

The sadness and reflection that has fallen upon me as we celebrate the life of my Lil guy is not only about his life, but mine as well. I have come a long way from the 20 year old girl who was pregnant with a baby she was unprepared for. I had such low self-esteem and didn't love myself enough at that point in my life to think I was worthy of anything good. I felt that if my own boyfriend, the father of the baby growing inside of me, didn't want me, no one ever would. I always felt inferior to the world. As disgusted as I was by the situations I had to deal with, situations that no one should ever have to go through, I felt that maybe that's what I deserved because I simply wasn't a good enough person. Sadly, as much as I have grown and changed throughout the years, I still carry that fear.

It has taken me a lifetime to find a man that I want by my side for the rest of my life. I never thought it would be possible to feel love like this, to miss someone so much the moment they drive off, to plan a future together and pray every night that my dreams of waking up with him by my side will come true. I want J to be the father of my future children, to be my husband, to always be my best friend. I want to grow old with one another and hold his hand, throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly. The one thing I don't want is to continue punishing him for the mistakes of others.

My irrational fear is that J will hurt me. That he will break my heart into a million pieces. I fear that he will find a prettier, thinner, smarter woman and cheat on me with her. I fear that the promises he has made to me will be broken, and not only will I have to deal with heartbreak, so will my son. I find myself in a mode of paranoia, fearing that the person who I think is "The One" will turn their back on me and leave me to fend for myself once again. I don't think my heart could take that sort of pain, and I would much rather die if it happened.

My fear has caused me to push and push and push myself away from J, becoming a person who I have always feared to be. I checked our phone bill, find myself worrying about who he is being friends with on Facebook and having completely irrational thoughts. J has NEVER given me a reason to think he would hurt me, and if anything, has only given me more reasons to love and trust him. I just struggle to believe that I, of all people, am worthy of something so amazing in mine and my son's life.

I almost can't breathe right now. I am so overwhelmed with emotions. Like J said, reflection on the past isn't good. It's time to look forward. I know I need to change and I definitely have to stop thinking so much of the things that COULD happen based on my past, but probably won't. I have to try and forget about the pain I have endured throughout my adult life and remember the great things that have come my way this past year. I know I have to work through my fears, and get through this, for myself, my son, and for J. This is my family now, and I have to believe that I am actually worth of something good.

Not Fitting In

Throughout my entire life, I have always been different. I have always dressed different, acted different, and thought different than most of my friends. I realized that being different was just a fact of my life, and learned that when I did try to conform to try to be like everyone else, that's usually when I got into trouble.

My adult life is no different. When I got pregnant with C, one of the first things Dad said was "Now you're gonna be just another statistic. You're another Latina who has gotten pregnant out of wedlock". Since that moment, I have made it my goal to NOT be like every other unwed pregnant Latina. I may not always be the best mother, or the best Latina, or the best anything, but I am most definitely not like most women who have been through the adversities I have had to deal with in life. I work full time, go to school full time, am C's mom, and J's girlfriend, and am as good of a friend as I could possibly be to the people who have proven themselves to be worthy of the little bit of time I have left.I live my life everyday with strength and courage and the hope that someway, somehow, my life experiences could help someone make different choices. I always say that if what I went through helps change the life of someone else, everything till this point has been worth it.

I've come to realize that although I have grown proud to be the non-cookie cutter woman that I have become, there are times when I wish I could just be like everyone else. I want to be a regular woman who doesn't have half the responsibilities on my plate, who lives life carelessly and who has the circle of friends she always dreamt about.

I think I had mentioned in a previous post about a Birthmom Support Group on facebook that I recently joined. It's a group of about 70-80 women who are all birthmothers at different stages in pre- and pos-adoption. When I first joined, I was pretty stoked, since it seemed pretty normal and harmless and since I was going through Hope's birthday and really could have used the friendship and support. Throughout the past month or two since I have been on, I have commented here and there, but mostly sat back and read alot of the posts. There are alot of Debbie Downers, women who are struggling and going through a tough time, as well as women who complain. I should be thankful to have the opportunity to get to know so many women who have been through the same sacrifice and heartache that I have been through, yet I am irritated.

Why am I so irritated? Probably because being a birthmom is one of the only things in my life that I wish could be cookie cutter. I wish that I could be just the same as everyone else. I wish I had been more informed of my choices before I placed. I wish I hadn't been so taken advantage of. I wish I hadn't been so scared to ask questions and to know my rights. I wish I can connected with more support as I went through the process rather than wait 5 years to meet the amazing women who have come into my life. I wish there was such thing as a cookie cutter birthmom, but unfortunately, there isn't. We are all different in so many different ways.

I see women who complain about not seeing their child enough or about their child's adoptive parents. I see so many different types of adoption situations these women are faced with on a daily basis, and I almost feel silly for complaining about only getting pictures and letters a couple of times a year rather than quarterly. Then I pause and think to myself, "What a minute, these women made the same choice I did, to place our babies for adoption." The moment we made that choice and signed those relinquishment papers, those babies were no longer ours. Anything and everything that occurs from the time those papers are signed and on is no longer in our control and we just have to live with it. I just wish that other women could understand that the things they are complaining about are the same things that other women wish they could be dealing with. Complaints about only seeing their children once a year or so are what some women, such as myself, could only dream of. Seems to me like no one is ever happy, and that's not fair, because there has to come a time in life when enough is enough and things need to be let go of.

I probably sound like I am ranting and raving, which I most definitely am doing. I posted a rant on the support group and I'm not sure it was accepted. I probably sound like I am bitching and complaining, just like how they sound to me, but I can't help it. I just want to get the point across that I would LOVE to be in these women's situations if it meant holding Hope for the first time in six years, especially because there is no guarantee that I will ever have that opportunity in the future....

Beyond Tired

Lately, things in my life have been weird. I have so many things to be grateful for, yet I am not content. I am frustrated, because for the first time in my life, I have the pieces of the puzzle that make up the majority of my life, and yet the puzzle is complete and it frustrates the crap out of me.

My work has me stressed out to the max. I work 38 hours a week, at one job, but it feels like I am doing two, now that I am working at one office Monday thru Thursday and doing the job of four days at the other office on Fridays. I am only one person, and I am getting burnt out. People say that things will settle once a system is set on how to run things, but I honestly don't get paid to work this hard as I'm in no management position to be taking on so much stress. With all of that, I am looking and applying for new jobs. I can't stand the fact that I am working so hard with no possibility of moving forward or up from the position I am currently at. 

I hate that I am working so hard at my regular job, that I am re-thinking this weekend job at Options United. As excited as I was to be able to work with a non-profit that would put me in a position to help change lives and reach out to women who were once in my position, I don't think I can do it. At least not in a position working every Saturday and Sunday of every weekend. It seemed like a great idea at first, but my weekends are the only time I could relax, and adding another job to my already busy schedule is more than necessary. It sucks, but I'm just not in a position to take on such a responsibility. I'm disappointed, more so because I felt that this was more of God's calling for me than anything, but I am just not in the right place to take this on at this time.

In addition to being stressed out at work, I am stressed out at home. I am sick and tired of the way things are here. I can't stand seeing the way my "sisters" have no respect for anyone or anything. I am tired of the way they talk to my mother, or how they boss around my father or my son. I am sick and tired of the way they have no regard for anyone but themselves. I am tired of the fact that my "traditional" parents let their boyfriends stay the night multiple times a week since they moved 70 miles away (they are twins), and the boys come and go into their room as they please. They treat everyone like crap and expect to be treated like royalty. The girls place blame for their lives being crappy upon me and my mistakes that I made in the past, not taking into account that I have become someone my son will eventually be proud of. Their genuine meanness and my parents double standards are more than enough to make someone on the outside looking in sick to their stomach. But this is my reality, day in and day out, and I am at the point where living out of a cardboard box sounds more appealing than being in this hellhole, called "home".

As if problems at work and at home weren't enough, J and I haven't been on the best terms the past few days. A lot of feelings came out in the least expected ways and we had probably the worst fight we've ever had to deal with in our 10 months of dating. Yup, that's right, this past Tuesday marked 10 months since our first date - the best 10 months of my life thus far. Just like the 7 year itch, the ten month curse fell upon us and we had a fight bigger than we've ever had before on Thursday night. J and I yelled at each other, I said things I really didn't mean and he broke up with me... for like 5 minutes. But still, the worst 5 minutes of my life. We made up, but a lot of feelings were still being held onto and we got into another fight last night. It basically boils down to the fact that he and I are stressed out with all the things we have on our plate. Unfortunately, we are very alike in the sense that our way of handling things when stressed is to deal with them on our own... We push the other way without realizing it and then the stress of our lives just explodes into something like what we dealt with these past few days. In the end of it all, we need to learn how to count on one another and know that it's ok to be stressed and to share those feelings without worry of being judged or hurt. I know that this is all a part of being in a healthy relationship, but I honestly don't ever want to have to feel this way about the only positive thing in my life. I love him too much and too greatly to feel such pain ever again.

On a positive note, I officially start class tomorrow. Yay to the school approving my appeal and allowing me to retake the course I failed last quarter. There are no excuses this quarter. I have to get on it and succeed so that I can move on and hurry up and finish school. It's the key to opening up the doors ahead of me on this journey. No more allowing work to get in the way of my studies. No more allowing anything to get in front of this road ahead of me. The consequences of not succeeding are far too great. I've put in too much money and time into this thus far, and I cannot allow myself to be put in a position where failing is an option - because it isn't. 

On another positive note, I started with a personal trainer last week. I only made it to one session because I unfortunately had to work late on Wednesday, but I have been on a mission to lose weight and I am only a few pounds away from my first weight loss goal. Lately, with all the stress in my life, I feel that working out is the only way to feel better. I get on that elliptical and keep going for an hour, sometimes even longer. The payoff is positive and I am enjoying the results that my once too tight pants are fitting better. I still have a long way to go before I get to where I want to be, but there's no better feeling than fitting in a size 12/13 when I've been wearing 15/16. :) Talk about a big smile on this girl's face.

I wish there were more hours in the day to accomplish all the things that I need and want to get done. I feel that the more I do to become a better person, the less I have time to do the things that make me feel good about myself. I just want the hard part of life to be over with because I am tired, actually, beyond tired...