My work has me stressed out to the max. I work 38 hours a week, at one job, but it feels like I am doing two, now that I am working at one office Monday thru Thursday and doing the job of four days at the other office on Fridays. I am only one person, and I am getting burnt out. People say that things will settle once a system is set on how to run things, but I honestly don't get paid to work this hard as I'm in no management position to be taking on so much stress. With all of that, I am looking and applying for new jobs. I can't stand the fact that I am working so hard with no possibility of moving forward or up from the position I am currently at.
I hate that I am working so hard at my regular job, that I am re-thinking this weekend job at Options United. As excited as I was to be able to work with a non-profit that would put me in a position to help change lives and reach out to women who were once in my position, I don't think I can do it. At least not in a position working every Saturday and Sunday of every weekend. It seemed like a great idea at first, but my weekends are the only time I could relax, and adding another job to my already busy schedule is more than necessary. It sucks, but I'm just not in a position to take on such a responsibility. I'm disappointed, more so because I felt that this was more of God's calling for me than anything, but I am just not in the right place to take this on at this time.
In addition to being stressed out at work, I am stressed out at home. I am sick and tired of the way things are here. I can't stand seeing the way my "sisters" have no respect for anyone or anything. I am tired of the way they talk to my mother, or how they boss around my father or my son. I am sick and tired of the way they have no regard for anyone but themselves. I am tired of the fact that my "traditional" parents let their boyfriends stay the night multiple times a week since they moved 70 miles away (they are twins), and the boys come and go into their room as they please. They treat everyone like crap and expect to be treated like royalty. The girls place blame for their lives being crappy upon me and my mistakes that I made in the past, not taking into account that I have become someone my son will eventually be proud of. Their genuine meanness and my parents double standards are more than enough to make someone on the outside looking in sick to their stomach. But this is my reality, day in and day out, and I am at the point where living out of a cardboard box sounds more appealing than being in this hellhole, called "home".
As if problems at work and at home weren't enough, J and I haven't been on the best terms the past few days. A lot of feelings came out in the least expected ways and we had probably the worst fight we've ever had to deal with in our 10 months of dating. Yup, that's right, this past Tuesday marked 10 months since our first date - the best 10 months of my life thus far. Just like the 7 year itch, the ten month curse fell upon us and we had a fight bigger than we've ever had before on Thursday night. J and I yelled at each other, I said things I really didn't mean and he broke up with me... for like 5 minutes. But still, the worst 5 minutes of my life. We made up, but a lot of feelings were still being held onto and we got into another fight last night. It basically boils down to the fact that he and I are stressed out with all the things we have on our plate. Unfortunately, we are very alike in the sense that our way of handling things when stressed is to deal with them on our own... We push the other way without realizing it and then the stress of our lives just explodes into something like what we dealt with these past few days. In the end of it all, we need to learn how to count on one another and know that it's ok to be stressed and to share those feelings without worry of being judged or hurt. I know that this is all a part of being in a healthy relationship, but I honestly don't ever want to have to feel this way about the only positive thing in my life. I love him too much and too greatly to feel such pain ever again.
On a positive note, I officially start class tomorrow. Yay to the school approving my appeal and allowing me to retake the course I failed last quarter. There are no excuses this quarter. I have to get on it and succeed so that I can move on and hurry up and finish school. It's the key to opening up the doors ahead of me on this journey. No more allowing work to get in the way of my studies. No more allowing anything to get in front of this road ahead of me. The consequences of not succeeding are far too great. I've put in too much money and time into this thus far, and I cannot allow myself to be put in a position where failing is an option - because it isn't.
On another positive note, I started with a personal trainer last week. I only made it to one session because I unfortunately had to work late on Wednesday, but I have been on a mission to lose weight and I am only a few pounds away from my first weight loss goal. Lately, with all the stress in my life, I feel that working out is the only way to feel better. I get on that elliptical and keep going for an hour, sometimes even longer. The payoff is positive and I am enjoying the results that my once too tight pants are fitting better. I still have a long way to go before I get to where I want to be, but there's no better feeling than fitting in a size 12/13 when I've been wearing 15/16. :) Talk about a big smile on this girl's face.
I wish there were more hours in the day to accomplish all the things that I need and want to get done. I feel that the more I do to become a better person, the less I have time to do the things that make me feel good about myself. I just want the hard part of life to be over with because I am tired, actually, beyond tired...
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