Fear

Anyone who knows me really well could tell you that I am a very fearful person. I fear a lot of things, such as spiders, moldy sandwiches, and the dark (don't laugh at me). I fear losing someone I love, losing my job, and losing my life. One of my biggest fears, however, is getting hurt by someone I love, or even worse, me hurting someone I love.

C's birthday is 6 days away. On top of being busy with work and school, I have feverishly been trying to plan a little extravaganza for him to enjoy his special day. As with every year I plan a party for him, I go into reflection mode, and not the good kind. I fall into this "woe is me" mood and I admit it isn't healthy. I hate that my thoughts keep me up till late hours of the night, they cause paranoia within me that spread into my own current relationship as well as cause me to create problems in my life when there aren't any.

Why am I like this? I'm not sure. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that C turning a year older is a reminder of how much my life changed when I found out I was going to have a baby 8 1/2 years ago. His birthdays are a reminder of the pain I endured as he grew inside of me - both emotionally and physically, as I found out I got cheated on when I was 7 months pregnant and the abuse and threats he put me through when I confronted him about it. His birthdays remind me of my constant struggle throughout the past 8 years as a single mother - of me having to learn how to grow up, be responsible, and truly care for someone else. His birthdays remind me of the greatest gift God has ever given me, a gift that I haven't always appreciated as much as I should have throughout the past 8 years.

I'm sitting here at work, crying my eyes out as I write this blog. No one understands what you go through until they go through it themselves. No one understands how hard it has been to get through the darkest days since I became a mother. They don't understand all the pain, tears and sweat that has gone into trying to raise my son on my own. I've been blessed to have the family I do, even if they aren't good to me. Without them, I probably wouldn't be where I am at today and neither would C.

Last night, J and I had a talk on the way home from his house. We talked about C's Sperm Donor. We talked about how he thinks I should give C the opportunity to meet his SD. He said that if he finds out I knew where he was all along, and that I am the one that kept him from meeting him, that he will resent me and be upset at me for doing so. I feel that this situation is such a Catch-22. I am trying to protect my son from all the things I went through. I want to protect him from being harmed in any way possible. I also have to admit, though, that I am scared.

I am scared that after all the hard work I have put into being C's mom - the waking up in the middle of the night, the taking care of him when he was sick, the sitting together and doing homework or projects - will all go out the window when he meets him. I am afraid that he will forget about all I have done for him and that he will love this person more than me. I am so afraid that his want and need of a dad in his life is so great, that he won't want me anymore. Granted, these are probably irrational fears, but it really hurts to even think about it.

This is all territory that I am so unfamiliar with. I grew up with both a mom and a dad, a good one at that. My dad has always done his best to be there for us, day in and day out. He and my mom worked as a team to raise us three girls, and he was always the pillar of our family, holding it down, especially through tough times. That was my ideal and something that I always wanted for my own children - a mom and dad to love them unconditionally, who never missed a birthday, or holiday or special event. I feel like I have failed my son by not being able to provide him with that.

The sadness and reflection that has fallen upon me as we celebrate the life of my Lil guy is not only about his life, but mine as well. I have come a long way from the 20 year old girl who was pregnant with a baby she was unprepared for. I had such low self-esteem and didn't love myself enough at that point in my life to think I was worthy of anything good. I felt that if my own boyfriend, the father of the baby growing inside of me, didn't want me, no one ever would. I always felt inferior to the world. As disgusted as I was by the situations I had to deal with, situations that no one should ever have to go through, I felt that maybe that's what I deserved because I simply wasn't a good enough person. Sadly, as much as I have grown and changed throughout the years, I still carry that fear.

It has taken me a lifetime to find a man that I want by my side for the rest of my life. I never thought it would be possible to feel love like this, to miss someone so much the moment they drive off, to plan a future together and pray every night that my dreams of waking up with him by my side will come true. I want J to be the father of my future children, to be my husband, to always be my best friend. I want to grow old with one another and hold his hand, throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly. The one thing I don't want is to continue punishing him for the mistakes of others.

My irrational fear is that J will hurt me. That he will break my heart into a million pieces. I fear that he will find a prettier, thinner, smarter woman and cheat on me with her. I fear that the promises he has made to me will be broken, and not only will I have to deal with heartbreak, so will my son. I find myself in a mode of paranoia, fearing that the person who I think is "The One" will turn their back on me and leave me to fend for myself once again. I don't think my heart could take that sort of pain, and I would much rather die if it happened.

My fear has caused me to push and push and push myself away from J, becoming a person who I have always feared to be. I checked our phone bill, find myself worrying about who he is being friends with on Facebook and having completely irrational thoughts. J has NEVER given me a reason to think he would hurt me, and if anything, has only given me more reasons to love and trust him. I just struggle to believe that I, of all people, am worthy of something so amazing in mine and my son's life.

I almost can't breathe right now. I am so overwhelmed with emotions. Like J said, reflection on the past isn't good. It's time to look forward. I know I need to change and I definitely have to stop thinking so much of the things that COULD happen based on my past, but probably won't. I have to try and forget about the pain I have endured throughout my adult life and remember the great things that have come my way this past year. I know I have to work through my fears, and get through this, for myself, my son, and for J. This is my family now, and I have to believe that I am actually worth of something good.