Not Fitting In

Throughout my entire life, I have always been different. I have always dressed different, acted different, and thought different than most of my friends. I realized that being different was just a fact of my life, and learned that when I did try to conform to try to be like everyone else, that's usually when I got into trouble.

My adult life is no different. When I got pregnant with C, one of the first things Dad said was "Now you're gonna be just another statistic. You're another Latina who has gotten pregnant out of wedlock". Since that moment, I have made it my goal to NOT be like every other unwed pregnant Latina. I may not always be the best mother, or the best Latina, or the best anything, but I am most definitely not like most women who have been through the adversities I have had to deal with in life. I work full time, go to school full time, am C's mom, and J's girlfriend, and am as good of a friend as I could possibly be to the people who have proven themselves to be worthy of the little bit of time I have left.I live my life everyday with strength and courage and the hope that someway, somehow, my life experiences could help someone make different choices. I always say that if what I went through helps change the life of someone else, everything till this point has been worth it.

I've come to realize that although I have grown proud to be the non-cookie cutter woman that I have become, there are times when I wish I could just be like everyone else. I want to be a regular woman who doesn't have half the responsibilities on my plate, who lives life carelessly and who has the circle of friends she always dreamt about.

I think I had mentioned in a previous post about a Birthmom Support Group on facebook that I recently joined. It's a group of about 70-80 women who are all birthmothers at different stages in pre- and pos-adoption. When I first joined, I was pretty stoked, since it seemed pretty normal and harmless and since I was going through Hope's birthday and really could have used the friendship and support. Throughout the past month or two since I have been on, I have commented here and there, but mostly sat back and read alot of the posts. There are alot of Debbie Downers, women who are struggling and going through a tough time, as well as women who complain. I should be thankful to have the opportunity to get to know so many women who have been through the same sacrifice and heartache that I have been through, yet I am irritated.

Why am I so irritated? Probably because being a birthmom is one of the only things in my life that I wish could be cookie cutter. I wish that I could be just the same as everyone else. I wish I had been more informed of my choices before I placed. I wish I hadn't been so taken advantage of. I wish I hadn't been so scared to ask questions and to know my rights. I wish I can connected with more support as I went through the process rather than wait 5 years to meet the amazing women who have come into my life. I wish there was such thing as a cookie cutter birthmom, but unfortunately, there isn't. We are all different in so many different ways.

I see women who complain about not seeing their child enough or about their child's adoptive parents. I see so many different types of adoption situations these women are faced with on a daily basis, and I almost feel silly for complaining about only getting pictures and letters a couple of times a year rather than quarterly. Then I pause and think to myself, "What a minute, these women made the same choice I did, to place our babies for adoption." The moment we made that choice and signed those relinquishment papers, those babies were no longer ours. Anything and everything that occurs from the time those papers are signed and on is no longer in our control and we just have to live with it. I just wish that other women could understand that the things they are complaining about are the same things that other women wish they could be dealing with. Complaints about only seeing their children once a year or so are what some women, such as myself, could only dream of. Seems to me like no one is ever happy, and that's not fair, because there has to come a time in life when enough is enough and things need to be let go of.

I probably sound like I am ranting and raving, which I most definitely am doing. I posted a rant on the support group and I'm not sure it was accepted. I probably sound like I am bitching and complaining, just like how they sound to me, but I can't help it. I just want to get the point across that I would LOVE to be in these women's situations if it meant holding Hope for the first time in six years, especially because there is no guarantee that I will ever have that opportunity in the future....