Fear

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.
Japanese Proverb

What do you do when you spend so much time with someone, so much time loving that someone, that you are blind to everything else? What do you do when you find out that the person you love may not be the person you thought they were? How would you react to the idea that maybe, just maybe, you fell in love with a stranger?

After 14 months of dedicating my heart and my soul to J, 14 months of talking about our future and working towards goals together, I've realized lately that there could be a possibility that he may not be the man I think he is. I'm not saying that that's the case, but it surely is possible.

Where is all this coming from, you may ask? What happened now that she is questioning her knowledge of the man of her dreams? To be honest, I'm not really sure. I guess my only answer is that fear has set in. Fear that I am talking about marriage, about family, about a future with someone and I don't really know him as well as I wish I did. Fear that after 14 months, if I don't know him by now, that there's a possibility I will never know him. It pains me to think that, but after all that has happened between us, I'm just not as sure anymore...

I'm scared to shit (excuse my French). I'm so so afraid that I'm going to marry this man, promise him my heart, my life, my future, and eventually find out he is a completely different person than I know him to be. I believe marriage is forever and I'm afraid of being hurt, not taken seriously, and of any skeletons that hang in his closet that he hasn't shared with me.

Maybe this is the sign that I need to pump my brakes when it comes to marriage and baby talk. Maybe, rather than talk about the future, we should talk about the past. Maybe I should get to know the real J, the one that I'm not sure I know yet. Maybe I should stop being afraid of the things I could possibly find out. Maybe I should just suck it up and start to ask the questions I've been too afraid to ask about the girls he was once with.

Maybe I'm talking out of pure broken heartedness (yes, that's a word I just made up, go ahead and copy me), but I know for a fact that I don't ever ever ever want to feel the way I felt last month when I found out about his little fling. I completely let my guard down for this man and he crushed my heart in a way no one ever has because they have never been as close to my heart as he has been. I want to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, but a part of me is so afraid of thinking those things will happen to me. Maybe I was destined for heart break and bad things because I made the wrong choices when I was younger, because I'm not the best mom ever, for God knows what reason.

I want to stop being sad, and mad, and angry, and upset and scared. That's the biggest thing, I want to stop being scared. I want to love without fear. I want to have the confidence to believe that if anything does happen, it's his loss. I want to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. Somehow, I have a hard time believing so. In my mind, he's been "The One" since the first day we met. I hope he sees me the same way. I also hope that this hurt in my heart goes away and stops eating away at my insides. I want to be completely happy again, with him or without him (preferably WITH him). I want to continue on with life, like this didn't happen, but I can't. I need to know that he loves and respects me as much as I love him and respect him, and from where I'm standing, it feels like it may be a lot to ask for, but I think I'm worth it. I hope he does too...

No one said relationships would be easy. Maybe this needed to happen to bring me back down from Cloud 9 and back to reality. I needed the slap across the face to remind me that NO ONE is perfect, no matter how much I think they may be perfect for me. But just because he's not perfect (and by no means am I) doesn't mean that this won't work. It just means that I'm now in this relationship with open eyes and an open mind.

Talk about a lot of insight regarding my love life. I guess that's what happens since I'm around the corner from turning 29 (Feb 22). I guess with age comes wisdom and I pray that this wisdom doesn't fail me, just as much as I pray that J doesn't fail me either

Birthmother

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: There are many other things in life that define who I am besides being a birthmother. I am C's mom, J's girlfriend (and hopefully future wife), my mother and father's daughter, I am E & D's sister. I am a student. I am an administrative assistant. I am a friend to some amazing people and an acquaintance to the rest of the world. I don't have one title to define who I am, and if I did, Birthmother wouldn't be what I would choose.

Where is this coming from, you're probably asking? Well, the other day, I caught glimpse of a post on my favorite social networking site from a girl who talked about doing an introduction in her college class where she told everyone she is a birthmom. She was upset that people looked at her dumbfounded. They weren't sure what to make of that. She was upset by the teacher's "lack of proper terminology" and the hushed comments from classmates when class was over. She seemed to be livid by the response to her status. I thought about this for a lil bit, and I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm different than most when it comes to being a birthmom.

I don't think I deserve a special prize or recognition for the sacrifice I made 6 1/2 years ago. I don't think anyone needs to know about my "secret" life other than the people I choose to share it with (and with you reading this blog, of course). This saves me from the awkwardness of having to explain as well as from the having to deal with judgments people pass before really getting to know me. My past experiences in life don't DEFINE who I am, however, they have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I don't let being a single mother or a birthmother be what people remember me as after meeting me for the first time. I want them to think of me as the strong, independent woman who has surpassed the adversities she has faced throughout her life.

Maybe I feel this way because being a mom, to both C and Hope, is a privilege. It has been what has saved my life, as I feel the choices I have made since then have been because of all I've gone through. I am a better peron because of my babies. I push harder in school. I push harder at work. I push, push, push to not be a statistic, to be different, which I feel that I am. So I'm sorry if I meet you out on the street, or if I have a class with you one day and the first thing out of my mouth isn't: "I'm a birthmom". I'm sorry if we cross paths everyday on the way to work or on the way home and you don't ever know. I'm sorry if I see you at the market, or in church, or wherever life takes us and don't tell you. Don't be offended that I never told you when you eventually find out. Be thankful I did, because that means you are special, just as being a birthmom is special to me. :)

Loose Teeth

Life has been crazy busy with the start of school having come and gone. I am now in the midst of my fourth week of classes and feeling quite challenged. It's been a test of my faith in myself and my sanity, but I am succeeding. I feel pretty proud of myself, as I have always been one to run from challenges rather than accept them and deal with them head on. I am definitely doing it, though, and couldn't be happier (amidst my exhaustion).

I got an unexpected surprise this weekend. I FINALLY got picture's from Hope's parents. Yes, the pictures they promised me right after Christmas. Regardless of how long it took for them to send them, I was jumping for job when I checked my email and saw her beautiful little face smiling back at me. The note attached was short and sweet:

Hi M,

Thanks for waiting. Please enjoy these pictures of Hope.

Cordially,
V and L

I was slightly bummed the email didn't say more, but I was still fairly excited to have gotten pictures. Besides, I did get an email about a month ago from them. I can't be so demanding :) I followed up with an email to let them know I got the pictures:

V and L,

Thank you so, so much for sending me pictures of beautiful Hope. It definitely made my day of drowning in homework so much better to see her beautiful, smiling face. I am so amazed by how much she has grown since the last pictures you sent me. She is definitely looking more mature and grown, and she is extremely beautiful. I love seeing how happy she is. She seems to really enjoy all of the activities she is involved in.

 Have the teeth that were loose on Christmas fallen yet?

Once again, thank you so much for sending me the pictures. I always enjoy receiving emails from you and especially enjoy seeing pictures of Hope and all that she has going on in her life. It's truly refreshing and a great motivator when I hear from you.

Hope all is well,
*M

When I woke up the follwoing morning, I had an unexpected surprise in my inbox, a response back!

Hi M,

We are so glad you enjoyed the pictures. Yes, Hope has grown so much
and does not look like a little girl. She has not lost her teeth yet and now
there is a total of four loose teeth. Three on top and one on the bottom. 
She is having a heck of a time eating.  As you can see in the pictures she enjoys
everything.

Keep up the good work with school it will all pay off in the end.

All our love,

V, L and the "big girl" Hope

It feels good, almost as if they are warming up to me more, which I truly appreciate. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity they have given me by opening the door to more communication through email. I never in a million years would have expected oour relationship to be as "open" as it is with each other. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the chance to engage in actual conversation with them and to have the ability to tell them about my life.

I've been thinking about Hope a lot more than usual lately. Maybe because my 29th birthday is just 22 days away and I'm realizing how fast time is flying, or maybe it's because J and I have been talking more and more about marriage and a family of our own and he has brought up that my "clock is ticking". I miss her, a lot. I wish I had her here to do girly things with her. I would have loved to take her to see Beauty and the Beast, or Lady and the Tramp, or to Build-a-Bear or to go and get a pedi together. I would love to be the one to find out about her loose teeth and to see her jack-o-lantern smile. I would love to see her laugh and giggle and play with C. Seeing her pictures only solidified that need and want even more.

I have been talking about getting a tattoo in her honor for soooooo long. I have gone back and forth about what exactly I wanted. Did I want a flower? Did I want her face? Did I want an adoption symbol? I was browsing around on Pinterest (my new addiction) and came across a white ink tattoo that said hope. It was plain and simple and beautiful, and I decided that is exactly what I want. I made the decision that I am going to do it within the next couple of weeks as a birthday gift to myself. I want to know that my baby girl is with me always, and thats by permanently making her a part of my body, in ink. I'm so scared but so excited at the same time. I can't wait to get this work done!

Selling Myself Short

I believe I mentioned in my previous post about going engagement ring looking with J a couple of weeks ago. It was truly a defining moment in our relationship, as I felt like that was when I really knew that J wasn't all talk about wanting a future with me. That was the moment when I realized that things didn't work out with people in the past so they could prepare me for now and my future with J. So many feelings and emotions hit me at once, and the moment we got into the car, I cried. I couldn't believe that someone, especially J, would want to even consider spending the rest of their lives with a nutcase like me.

Ok, maybe I should back track a little bit.

All my life, I have sold myself short. I have never felt like I was pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or fast enough. When I was in high school, I was thin and attractive, but when I looked in the mirror, I saw an extremely fat girl staring back at me. This complex only got worse once I graduated and gained weight, and eventually got pregnant. Then my fat girl complex got worse because I was now a single fat mom. Throughout the years, as I lagged through community college, and went through the pregnancy and adoption of Hope, and through all the guys I dated and everything else, I always felt like I would never be good enough. I felt like no one would want me and all that I bring to the table. I felt like I was destined to be alone and that being C's mom was all that God had in store for me. Until I met J...

J has brought out a strength in me I never knew I had. Being his girlfriend has made me feel as if I am beautiful, attractive, and smart. Once I became J's girlfriend, it was easy to believe that I could do and have anything that I wanted. I never realized how much I want a future with someone other than my son by my side. I never realized how much I would want to one day be a wife and a mother of more babies. That is, until J came into the picture, and now all I can think about it being his wife and "baby mama".

Looking at rings together tore down any notions I had of not being good enough for anyone. It tore away my belief that my dad was right when he said no one will want to ever marry a girl like me, who is as "messed up" and "damaged" as I am. A single mom who has given birth to two kids shouldn't be given a chance at unconditional love, and yet, here I have it right in front of me with J. How did I get so lucky? And why the hell am I so scared of it? Why do I still feel like I'm not good enough for him? Why do I find reasons to try to push him away? Why am I so scared of letting my heart trust and love him 110%? Maybe because in the back of my head, I still believe that my dad may be right. Who could love a girl like me?

I need to start breaking these walls down. I need to stop thinking that I'm that messed up that I don't deserve everything I have earned and worked so hard for. This amazing relationship? Yeah, it hasn't been easy. Each day is a struggle. Each time I push him away and ask for a break, I know in my heart I don't want it or mean it, but it's the only way I can protect myself. After nearly 14 months, I still don't believe that I could have a guy love me for all that I am and all that I plan on becoming in the future. I still don't think I'm worthy of something great and I place unrealistic expectations so that my disappointment is all I have, almost so that I have something to complain about.

You don't text me like you used to. You don't call me like you used to. You don't see me as much as you used to. You don't have sex, kiss, hug, hold me as much or like you used to. You don't bring me flowers, take me on dates, surprise me like you used to. You don't have a picture of me on your fb profile pic or you don't comment on my wall. You don't make me feel special like you used to. You don't do this or that or go here or go there. All these stupid complaints are so invalid. Yet this is me, almost everyday, and it's so effing stupid of me. Granted, some of my complaints are valid, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done, its a bunch of stupid bullshit because he loves me, and no amount of pushing him away will change that. At least I hope.

This month has been difficult with trying to get past what happened earlier, and it has hurt like hell, yet I have learned that I have made myself hurt more than he has hurt me. I haven't been able to get past it like I thought I could, but I want to. I keep bringing it up, and when I am alone, I obsess about it. It's my driving force to go to the gym and to work hard, because I think that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have been tempted to get cheap thrills from this girl if I was thinner, more attractive, etc. I want to let go of it all in my head so that whatever happens from here on out is resolved from all of that mess. I'm so afraid that it will be in the back of my mind, and that I won't be able to completely forget.... and by doing that, it makes it so much harder to forgive.

I KNOW I have issues I need to work past to be the ideal wife and mom that I want to be. I KNOW it's not going to be easy to get through the bumps and hard times. I KNOW that pushing him away doesn't make things better. But I KNOW he loves me, almost as much as I love him, and I can only hope that love is the driving force to keep us strong and free from the temptations in the outside world.

I have to stop selling myself so short and I need to start believing that I am as great as people say I am. I know that that is the only way I can start to be the woman I know I can be, for him, for me, for my/our children. It will take some time, and he will need to patient, but eventually I will get there...

Blah New Year

Here we are, 23 days into the new year and I absolutely hate it. It's been a rough month of ups and downs and I don't know how much crap I can take. I don't even know where to start, really....

I spent the better half of December preparing for a move for work.. yes, another one! The office I was previously at was moving to a smaller location, and I was one of the people in charge of the move. It was overwhelming, and slightly stressful, but we got through it.

Though the holidays this year seemed as though they were tougher to get through, they came and went without a hitch... ok, maybe just a minor one. I had an awful breakdown on Christmas day where I locked myself in the room and didn't want to do anything. I struggled with the feelings I had pertaining to the adoption, and for the first time in my life, I said I regretted my choice. I know deep down I really don't, but that day I felt like I did. It was the weirdest feeling.

J and I celebrated our first official Christmas Eve dinner together at my house (last year, we had just started dating a few weeks prior to Christmas) but unfortunately, we didn't have the opportunity to spend Christmas Day together. That made Christmas so much harder to get through. But I made it through, and I didn't let it get the best of me. I survived one more year of heartfelt pains and anxieties related to the missing piece of my heart.

I did end up sending an email to Hope's parents for the holidays and got a fairly quick and sincere response which surprised me.On December 27th, I send the following email:

Hello Hope, L, and V!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that you have enjoyed the holidays to the fullest. I hope that Hope got many presents from Santa and that she got all that her heart desired. I hope you don't mind the email, but I have been thinking about you all and just wanted to say hello.

I've been very busy with work (still at the same non-profit, working at two offices but looking for a new job) and school (it's currently winter break, but made it through successfully with my first full quarter at this new university), but have also made lots of time to enjoy life to the fullest. C has kept us busy with soccer and we have been doing  family stuff with the holidays having been here. We have been very blessed to have had a great Christmas, having gone to Knott's Berry Farm on Friday, enjoying dinner at our house with the family on Saturday (Christmas Eve) , and then spending time with family that came from Florida to visit on Sunday for Christmas Dinner at my aunt's house. On top of all of that, I have taken up (and have gotten good at) baking cupcakes. I LOVE cupcakes, and I love making them for everyone. I'm even thinking of maybe possibly starting a side business making cupcakes :)

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that I have thought about your family alot, as I do every holiday that passes. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about Hope, and I thank God for the amazing opportunities she has thanks to you. I have a gift for her and am planning on sending it within the next week or so if that is ok with you. I also wanted to send you a link to a photo album I made of some of the pictures we have of things we have done throughout this past year. I'm sure you are interested in knowing more about our life and the things we like to do and the people who we surround ourselves with, so I added captions to the pictures. If for some reason, you have trouble with it, let me know.
 https://picasaweb.google.com/108828241351208040940/2011?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCI3JwZPTpqi3ew&feat=directlink

I hope you all have a Happy New Year, may 2012 bring you much love and success. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sending lots of love your way,
M :)

A few days later, two to be exact, on December 29th, I got this email in my inbox:

Dear M,

We love to hear from you, never think that you could bother us. You have given us the greatest gift we could ask for and love you for that.

Hope had a very nice Christmas. Santa was very good to her as she is a good girl. She had a big surprise Christmas night when I pointed out to her that her two upper front teeth are lose.  She lost her first lower front tooth a day before Christmas eve last year, and then the second one.  She was shocked in a good way.

As usual, she is doing wonderful. At the moment school is easy for her. She reads sight words at 4th grade level and enjoys math. V and I are very happy that school comes easily for her.

V was very busy with the Chips for Kids program, at work, this holiday season. Hope was on the poster again for CBS2/KCAL9. She has alot of fun with it.

On about you, what school did you transfer to? Are looking for the same type of work? Do you make your own special cupcakes?  Glad to hear C is keeping you busy as I know kids do.

We think about you too. I hope to send you some up to date pictures this weekend of  Hope. You can always send gifts to me at my work address:

We will go on line and look at your pictures this weekend.

We send our love to you and your family and have a happy and safe New Year.

Love always,

L and V

Granted, I have yet to hear back from them, and am still awaiting pictures, I was very excited to have gotten that email, as it felt like the most sincere correspondence I had ever gotten from her. After reading this email, I felt like there was no better way to end 2011. I felt like I was ready to bring on 2012 and all this has to offer me, at least until New Years Eve...

NYE was a weird day. I spent most of the day at home, baking, in preparation for the evening. The plan for J and I was dinner with my family and then off to his family for a midnight countdown. Dinner ended up being a tad bit later than anticipated. J was grouchy because he was hungry, C wasn't feeling very well while we waited to be seated for dinner. After we waited an hour to be seated, C started feeling worse and worse to the point where he had tears in his eyes. J suggested we take C home, and on the way, we stopped to get some 7up for C and some dinner for J and I. We weren't even a half mile away from home when the smell of the food hit C and he started vomiting uncontrollably - yes, in J's Lexus. OMG.. what a nightmare. Then, the moment the smell of vomit hit J's nose, he started to gag and I was afraid he would vomit as well. It was an incredible ordeal. I got C into the house, threw him into the shower with clothes on and all and went to help J try to clean out his car. I went back and forth for a bit until the situation was under control and both were as taken care of as possible considering all that had happened. Needless to say, we never made it to J's house for the countdown. We stayed at home and celebrated with 7up in paper cups. Maybe this was a sign of what my year would be like...

Considering we are only 23 days into this year, this year has definitely taken me for a spin. On New Years Day, I made the mistake of going through J's phone and finding conversations from a few months prior between him and a coworker. Granted it was harmless flirting (or so I hope that's all it was), I was extremely hurt and heartbroken. He almost broke up with me for not trusting him and for going through his phone, and I almost broke up with him for "cheating" on me and hurting me. We realized that we both love each other waaaaaay too much to let a bump in the road ruin our relationship and are trying to work through it, in hopes that it makes us stronger than ever. It has really been difficult to overcome this pain and hurt I feel, but I know I love him and that he loves me and that this was a mistake that won't happen again. I would like to think that this was a lapse in judgement, and I have to try to keep that in mind when I have days where I may doubt him in the back of my mind. We have had an extremely healthy relationship up until this point, at least the healthiest I have ever been in, and I'm not willing to throw it all away due to his mistake. I can only hope and pray that this situation made him realize my value and that it makes us stronger as a couple, which I have a feeling it will. I just need to get through this period of trying to blame myself and figure out what I did wrong that could've prevented him from needing the "newness" of talking to someone else. I know I have to get it through my head that it wasn't anything having to do with me, but it's hard not to when this is something that has occurred over and over in my life. Makes me almost feel like I'm not enough, like I will never be... but I know that isn't the case.

Since then, things have started to get better, although we seem to have rocky days here and there, as all couples do. I think we have both pretty much decided that we are soulmates and that we both want a future together. Marriage has come up a lot more and we have even done some engagement ring browsing. I really see my life with J by my side, and I know that we are meant to be together, despite whatever curveballs God throws our way. I hope that we get through this, or rather, should I say, I get through this, and that I can completely forgive and forget so that I can move on because I do love him and do want to be his wife one day (hopefully soon).

It seems like things are changing all around me in regards to a lot of people's relationships. Mostly for the good. I got asked to be a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding for a good friend of mine this coming August. J, C, and I are planning on taking our first family vacation to Minnesota. It will definitely be an experience we will never forget, but I am really looking forward to it. It should be fun for sure.

In addition to relationship stuff, I have been swamped with work and school. School started on the 9th and has kept me fairly busy. I am drowning in homework and assignments and have so much to do. Luckily I am already in week 3 and only have 7 more weeks to go. I am definitely being challenged in ways I've never been challenged before, and while I am struggling, I am proud of myself for not giving up when things got tough, as I have in the past.

As for the work stuff, that's almost a whole other blog in itself. Its been tough to try to get accustomed to running things smoothly at two offices. There have been some bumps in the road, but I'm hoping to get all the kinks worked out to make it more efficient for me as I try to get the hang of balancing two offices at once.

I am really hoping that this year can only get better from here. This is the last month before I turn 29 and I am hoping that my last year in my 20's is amazing and life changing. I don't want to have so many expectations of a great year, but I definitely want to live it up and enjoy it, as time only goes forward and never stops. Who knows what the next 11 1/2 months hold for me, but it better be a positive change from the lemons I've had to turn into lemonade. :)

Merry Christmas, Little One

Dear My Beautiful Daughter,
Today is Christmas. It is the sixth Christmas I've had to celebrate without you in my arms. The sixth year of wondering what Santa left for you under the tree and if you wake up early, excited for his arrival the night before. This is the sixth year of wondering what the look of delight in your face is like when you wake up and discover the gifts under the tree in the morning, or do you open your gifts in Christmas Eve? You would think that six years would make this easier for me, but it isn't.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. I wonder what you're doing or where you're going or how you are celebrating your holidays. There isn't a day that I don't wonder what life would've been like had I kept you here with me and your brother, where I wonder if you would be as happy as you are now.

I bought you a gift this year. It's a beautiful Pocahontas doll. I know I never bought you anything before, but I just never knew what to get you. I cried when I stood in line to purchase your gift. It was a step made in overcoming my issues... Or so I thought. I'm sorry, but the gift is still in the trunk of J's car, where it has been since I purchased it. I have been struggling with myself to send it, and am still battling my thoughts and feelings because I'm afraid you may not like it. I'm afraid you will wonder why now, and not the past six years. I am afraid of a lot of things.

This is the hardest Christmas ever. I've never been this way and I am struggling in so many ways. I am upset. I am hurt. I am broken on the inside. It's no ones fault but my own that you aren't here. For the first time ever, I regret my choice. The selfish part of me wishes I had kept you here with me so that I could celebrate days like this with you. But like I said, its selfish of me to think that way.

I keep checking my email to see if your parents will send me an email or a picture of you for Christmas. I keep hoping that somehow, someway, things would be different and maybe they would think of me for once this year, but maybe it was too much to pray for.

I miss you, little angel. Like a lot. I wish you were here to celebrate this day, to fill the hole in my heart that was created the day I said goodbye to you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I love you forever and for always.

Love,
With every ounce of my heart,
Your Birthmom

The Best Year of My Life

"I love you not only for who you are, but for what you are when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but what you are making of me." ~ Roy Croft

It's so amazing how life can change so dramatically from almost one day to the next, and it is more amazing how fast time seems to fly when you are having fun. A little over a year ago, I was enjoying life as a single woman, going out to clubs and bars and frequenting happy hours. I was enjoying nights out with my girls, and hanging out on Sundays watching sports with my guy friends. I would drink like a fish, and besides work, and school, and C, I really had nothing else to worry about.

A couple of days after Thanksgiving of last year, on a rainy Saturday night, I was home doing mommy stuff with C and in during breaks of working on his project due the following Monday, I started texting back and forth with a handsome EMT who I have met through friends but not officially met. This guy made me laugh, and I can remember us talking and texting till really late that night. It was so awesome to meet someone who had such a similar sense of humor as mine. Throughout the following week, we found ourselves talking and texting nonstop.. this guy made me laugh in ways no one could.

Around mid-week of that first week we had been talking, I came up on some tickets for the USC vs. UCLA rivalry that following Saturday. I had asked some friends if they wanted to go, but everyone seemed so flaky. I asked my sexy EMT who I had been texting all week if he was up for going, and he said sure. He was going to just go and tailgate with friends, so he was pretty stoked about the invitation to go to the game. I was excited that he said yes, but so so nervous at the same time. We agreed that he would pick me up at 6am and we would tailgate and hang out until game time at 7pm.

On the morning of December 4, 2010, I woke up extremely early, got ready and waited for this guy to pick me up. A little bit past 6am, this silver Lexus pulled up to my house, and this hot, buff guy in a USC jacket came out. I think it was love at first sight <3 That was the first time I met J in person, and I was mesmerized (an instantly self conscious because he looked like a gym rat and I had never stepped foot near a gym). I was glad his friend was in the car with us and we all were talking on the way to meet his friend's friends.

We got to the Rose Bowl at around 8am, and had a full day ahead of us of drinking, and playing games, and getting to know all the people in the group we went with. We gelled so well together, and it was pretty awesome how well I got along with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. They made me feel comfortable and welcomed, as well as J was always checking on me to see how I was doing. Around 3 hours into this "date", I text a friend of mine and told her "I think I just met my future husband". Maybe I was intoxicated, or maybe the fact that this guy proved to me in a short amount of time that he was unlike any guy I had ever met... either way, it was probably one of the first times I have ever uttered those words about anyone in my life.

J and I went to the game, he got to meet my friend and his girlfriend, and we got to enjoy seeing our team beat their rivals. It was an all around great time. Not to mention, he and I really hit it off extremely well. We went to grab some food after the game with his friends and cuddled in the back seat while his friend drove us home. When he dropped me off at 1am, I couldn't even believe that I had such an amazing time and that I spent the past 18 hours with such wonderful company. Who would've known that that first date would change my life in so many ways...

Here I am, a year later, putting the pieces together of how this relationship came about. I thank God every day for blessing me with the most wonderful, amazing man to ever come into my life (aside from my dad and my son). I never thought a love like this was possible, but I am so glad to be the one to be able to prove otherwise. I truly feel lucky and special to experience this, and am so glad that he seems to feel the same way I do.

Throughout the course of the past year, we have done and seen a lot, more than I have in any other relationship. We have gone to museums, on three trips to San Diego, to a USC game, a couple of Dodgers games, a Galaxy game, a Laker game and a Charger game. We have met each other's families, and our families have met each other - and actually liked each other. We have celebrated birthdays, our own and C's, and he has been by my side as I went through the roller coaster of emotions when it was Hope's birthday. He has been a pillar of strength when I didn't think I had any left in me, and he has been a constant motivator, pushing me to succeed in all I do. He has become my one true love, my soul mate, and my best friend.

I know that being my boyfriend isn't always easy. Getting used to dating a girl with a child has been difficult at times for J, but he has done an amazing job at accepting C and being an amazing role model for him. As hard as it has been for him to know about what it is to date a birthmom, he has been great at trying his best to understand. He has been there to hold me and hug me when the emotions hit me out of nowhere. He is patient and understanding when I get into my moods. He does his best to communicate with me when I try to shut him out, and when he have "hard" times, they really aren't that hard. To say he is amazing is an understatement.

Since we started dating, I have changed and become such a different person. Partying and hanging out at the bar are not as fun to me any more. I find that I have more fun spending time on the couch watching movies or at the table doing homework with J by my side. I enjoy time that we spend with C the most, as I feel that our bond only strengthens and the possibility of a future family is even brighter. Seeing the two of them together makes me so happy to know that this is what my future consists of - the three of us.

I have always believed that God creates us with a matching piece. When the pieces are put together, it's somewhat like a completed puzzle, as it creates a beautiful picture. By having J in my life, I feel that my puzzle has been completed, and now it's up to us to determine the picture that the world will see. I don't see myself with anyone else by my side. I don't want to imagine my life without him in it. He is my one true love and I am so grateful to have been able to be his girlfriend this past year.

Happy Anniversary, My Love <3

Being Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving. It's a day to give thanks for all of life's blessings, so I decided that I am going to dedicate today's post to voicing who and what I am most grateful for in my life.

First and foremost, I am beyond grateful to have such a happy, healthy, smart, loving, amazing child. C is my reason for waking up each morening, getting out of bed when I would much rather sleep, and for braving the cold, heat, wind, sleet, rain, hail, or snow, to catch the bus and work all day. I am so proud of that child, and each day of his life, there hasn't been a moment where he hasn't ceased to amaze me. I don't know what the past 8 years of my life would've been like without him in them, and although they haven't been easy times, I wouldn't trade them for the world. That child is my motivation and determination to succeed and be someone he could be proud of one day.

I am beyond grateful this year to have one of the most amazing, loving, caring, sweet, generous, sexiest boyfriends in the entire world. Having J come into my life a year ago was the biggest blessing God has ever given me, aside from being able to become a mother. I have never in my life thought that I would be so lucky to find someone who I could consider to be my soulmate. Ever since the moment he came into my life, I have known that J was different, and throughout the past year, he has proven me time and time again that he is. The gratitude I feel for him is almost inexplicable, as he has taught me many life lessons, such as patience, unconditional love, happiness, and how to be able to count on someone. He is the one person who I love to hear from when I wake up, and the last person I want to talk to before bed. He is my one true love and I cannot wait until the day we start our own family together.

Speaking of family, I am quite grateful for having the family I have. I know they are the source of many of my gripes and complaints, but they have been there for me through thick and thin throughout the roughest years of my life, even if they didn't support my choices and decisions. Thanks to my parents, I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. They help me out with C and I don't think I could ever repay them for all they have done for the both of us. In addition for being thankful for my own family, I am also very grateful for J's family. They have amazingly wonderful and supportive of everything in my life throughout the past year, and I don't think I could've been so lucky to find an amazing boyfriend with an equally amazing family.

I didn't know where to put this next item on myy list at in regards to the order of things I am thankful for in my life. It's probably a weird thing to be grateful for, but I am. I am most thankful for having had the opportunity to have been blessed with a wonderful family to adopt my little angel. While holidays are usually the source of pain throughout the past few years, this year, I am more thankful than anything that my child has been blessed with a loving, caring family who loves her tremendously. As selfish as this next statement may sound, I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had since the adoption to make my life "right". I promised my little angel that I would be a better person the day she decided to meet me in the future, and slowly, but surely, I am living up to that promise. I wouldn't be where I am at in my life without that experience, and while I miss her so much everyday, I know that I made the best choice for all of us and for her.
I am also pretty thankful for having a job. In this day and age, with the economy being what it is, anyone with a job should be grateful. Yet, within the past year, I have gotten a raise, kept my job, and been given more hours to work. I am most absolutely blessed for having been given an opportunity to not to have to struggle or stress like many people out there. Although life is definitely not easy, it is a lot easier to know that I have a steady income that I can depend on to pay for what needs to be paid for.

While some may not consider it an opportunity to be grateful for, I am super lucky to have the to have the chance to go to school and be on my way to earning a degree. Nowadays, you can't work a decent job without having AT LEAST a Bachelors.

Most importantly, I am super grateful for the chance to wake up each day, open my eyes, take a deep breath of air, and walk out of bed. I have my health, all my body parts, and a positive attitude that has helped get through some of the roughest days. Thank you, God, for all of these things and more.

Crazy Month

I feel like so much has gone on in my life during the past month, and I really haven't had much of a chance to blog besides a rant about birthmoms. It was a great month of celebrating two very special birthdays at the beginning (C and J's birthdays that are about a week and a half apart from one another) and the rest of the month has been spent planning the trip J and I are taking to Sand Diego this weekend. This trip couldn't have come at a better time.

After C's birthday was over and done with, I was on a mission to plan for J's birthday. After all, he was about to turn 30 and that was a big milestone, in and of itself. I had gotten together with his mom and she and I planned a surprise birthday party for him. It was one of the hardest and biggest secrets to have to try to pull off. Luckily, I did and it was a great success.

On J's actual birthday, I had gone over to his house as soon as he left for school. His parents and I got everything ready and I rushed home to get ready since he was supposed to pick me up for "dinner" with his family later on. When we got to his house, with C unable to look J in the eyes the whole way there, the family came out with balloons, and his friends came out behind them. J was in absolute shock. I wish I could've taken a picture of the whole thing. I thought he was upset with me as he didn't talk to me for almost an hour after we had gotten there. Luckily, he was just so extremely happy, he didn't know how to react (or so he says).:) It was nice to be able to celebrate his birthday with his family and some of his closest friends. I'm sure he enjoyed it as well.

In addition to a Chargers themed party, I bought J tickets to the Chargers/Broncos game this weekend. Since the craziness of party planning was over, and the relief of not having to keep such a huge secret from him took over, I got to look forward to planning a trip down to San Diego for this coming weekend. We both have been in desperate need of a break from reality, and J, being the wonderful boyfriend that he is, decided that we should have double reason to celebrate on this trip. The occasion: his 30th birthday and our 1 year anniversary! YUP! 1 year! Well, not technically yet a year because our anniversary is a week from Sunday (December 4th) but this weekend will be a year since we first started talking. Its so amazing to see how far we have come in a year, and I am so beyond excited to celebrate it out of town, together for 4 days and 3 nights in one of our favorite cities. I am looking forward to the surprises that my wonderful boyfriend has planned for me when we get there on Friday, and am also looking forward to hanging out with our friends who are coming on Saturday to celebrate with us as well. It will definitely be a weekend to remember.

With all the busy-ness of party and trip planning, as well as being busy with work that feels like two jobs, I am happy to report that I am in the midst of week 7 of the quarter at school and I am doing extremely well in my class. Yay me! I have put in tremendous hard work and effort into my school work and have really been proud of myself for kicking butt in school. I still have 3 1/2 more weeks left in the quarter, but I have faith in myself that I will get through it and succeed. So excited to get through the first hurdle of starting an online program. I am well on my way to a Bachelor's Degree in no time...

All in all, I have been in a positive, upbeat mood for the most part this past month. I have been super excited and happy for all the blessings that have come my way and I look forward to what else is in store for me. I am definitely one happy chick for having gotten through such a crazy month. Definitely excited for this upcoming weekend away. :)

Stop Playing the Victim

WARNING: This blog post might possibly be offensive to some, but I had to vent, so I am apologizing in advance.

I am a mom. I am a girlfriend. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a birthmother.

What the heck does being a birthmother mean? It means I have made one of the ultimate sacrifices to provide my blood with a life I wouldn't have been able to provide had I parented two children. It means I have to miss her on holidays and her birthdays, feeling a pain I never felt before. It means I have to wonder who she is, what she's like, where she's at, and how she is doing. It means I have to miss out on firsts, such as her first step, her first words, her first day of school, her first loose tooth, her first everything. It doesn't mean that I can go around with this woe is me attitude for a decision I MADE ON MY OWN.

Adoption is a hard and difficult choice. Do I regret it? Heck no. NEVER! Would I do it again? Umm, I'd like to think I wouldn't be stuck in the same position I was in 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. Would I change things about my adoption? I don't think so. Am I happy about the choice I made? I don't think happy is the word to describe how I feel about giving my opportunity to live a life I wouldn't have otherwise been able to provide, for her and for my son.

Hope, as well as C, have things that they probably would have been able to go without had I chosen to parent both. It was what was best for them, although I know it will be a difficult road ahead as they get older and have more questions and probably some resentments due to my choices. Am I prepared for that? Probably not, but how can one really prepare for the questions kids ask? I guess we will take it all as it comes in the future.

So why the blog post?

A few weeks ago, I had written about a support group I had joined on good ol' Facebook. At first, this support group was amazing. I read so many different stories about how so many women got to be birthmothers as well. All the women in that group had a different story leading to the same ending: pain, sadness, and the bittersweet thought of knowing that we were making the choice to give our babies a better life. We all deal with the pain and emotion that comes with grieving the loss of our babies that we technically didn't really "lose". We deal with the sadness of not being able to celebrate important milestones with "our children". It was almost like we were sisters, brought together by such a sad, almost unspoken, tragedy in our lives.

As time went on, however, I realized that I am very different from most other birthmothers. A lot of the girls on there seemed to be playing the part of the victim. Time and time again, I would read stories badmouthing adoptive parents. Stories of how terrible the a-parents were to these birthmothers, one set of parents having a case against the bmom for harassment. I read stories about these women who continue to cry over, and over, and over about their choice of adoption, and it almost disgusted me. The place for support was just somewhere to rant and rave about all the negative crap. Why not be happy about the good things.

I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of this group. I am in such a good place in my life, I didn't want to get sucked up in such a negative, angry energy. But for some reason, just like staring at a bad car accident, I continue to check back with the group from time to time to see all the train wreck headcases that continue to post. I am in awe by how terrible these "women" make being a birthmom look.

I get it, we all have made mistakes in our lives. In the case of a birthmother, giving birth is proof of such mistakes - lack of protection and better judgement, to say the least. Granted, there are some who didn't have a choice, who have been raped or assaulted, and to those women I give the ULTIMATE RESPECT to. But to the other women, being a birthmother doesn't necessarily earn you an award for runner up to sainthood like Mother Theresa. No one owes you anything for placing your baby, and I'm sorry, but you don't get my sympathy vote when you let it happen over and over again.

Let me take a step back to paint a picture as to what I mean. I was a single mother before I became a birthmother. I made the choice I NEEDED to make to fix my mistakes. Yes, as much as I love my children, it was a MISTAKE to get pregnant at that point in my life - BOTH TIMES. After having to go through the pain of placing Hope, there was no way in hell I would put myself through such an emotional roller coaster again. I have done all I can to ensure that I stay protected and don't have another "accident" as I did before. Granted, I am in a WAY better place in my life than where I was 6 years ago, but there's no way I am going to get pregnant until I am really ready. I wish I could say the same for some of the other birthmoms I have come across. Abortions, second sometimes third adoptions - when is enough, enough? When will women learn their lesson and stay protected? Is it that hard to purchase condoms or birth control in a country such as ours that offers birth control at Planned Parenthood for free to low cost? Adoption is AMAZING, but so is safe and protected sex.

So many people are talking about National Adoption Awareness Month, which is completely amazing that it is nationally recognized (although it seems more to be for the other two parts of the triad than the birthmother part). It is so great for there to be more awareness and education about adoption, BUT when will there be a National Safe Sex Awareness Month? When will people learn that while sex is so much fun, it isn't that much fun if you're not prepared and protected for it? When will they learn that adoption and abortion aren't forms of birth control? Why are people so afraid to talk about these things, especially in the birthmother world?!

I guess it's time to get off my soapbox, and honestly, I really am sorry if I've offended anyone by this post. I just really needed to explain how I feel. I don't portray myself as a victim. I made the choices I made to get me to where I am today. I feel like I deserve the pain and heartache I feel on her birthdays and near Mother's Day. It's a reminder of a situation I don't ever want to be in and deal with again, and it keeps me focused on making the proper choices so that it doesn't happen. I just wish other women would follow suit and keep from making the same mistakes over and over again....