Fear

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.
Japanese Proverb

What do you do when you spend so much time with someone, so much time loving that someone, that you are blind to everything else? What do you do when you find out that the person you love may not be the person you thought they were? How would you react to the idea that maybe, just maybe, you fell in love with a stranger?

After 14 months of dedicating my heart and my soul to J, 14 months of talking about our future and working towards goals together, I've realized lately that there could be a possibility that he may not be the man I think he is. I'm not saying that that's the case, but it surely is possible.

Where is all this coming from, you may ask? What happened now that she is questioning her knowledge of the man of her dreams? To be honest, I'm not really sure. I guess my only answer is that fear has set in. Fear that I am talking about marriage, about family, about a future with someone and I don't really know him as well as I wish I did. Fear that after 14 months, if I don't know him by now, that there's a possibility I will never know him. It pains me to think that, but after all that has happened between us, I'm just not as sure anymore...

I'm scared to shit (excuse my French). I'm so so afraid that I'm going to marry this man, promise him my heart, my life, my future, and eventually find out he is a completely different person than I know him to be. I believe marriage is forever and I'm afraid of being hurt, not taken seriously, and of any skeletons that hang in his closet that he hasn't shared with me.

Maybe this is the sign that I need to pump my brakes when it comes to marriage and baby talk. Maybe, rather than talk about the future, we should talk about the past. Maybe I should get to know the real J, the one that I'm not sure I know yet. Maybe I should stop being afraid of the things I could possibly find out. Maybe I should just suck it up and start to ask the questions I've been too afraid to ask about the girls he was once with.

Maybe I'm talking out of pure broken heartedness (yes, that's a word I just made up, go ahead and copy me), but I know for a fact that I don't ever ever ever want to feel the way I felt last month when I found out about his little fling. I completely let my guard down for this man and he crushed my heart in a way no one ever has because they have never been as close to my heart as he has been. I want to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, but a part of me is so afraid of thinking those things will happen to me. Maybe I was destined for heart break and bad things because I made the wrong choices when I was younger, because I'm not the best mom ever, for God knows what reason.

I want to stop being sad, and mad, and angry, and upset and scared. That's the biggest thing, I want to stop being scared. I want to love without fear. I want to have the confidence to believe that if anything does happen, it's his loss. I want to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. Somehow, I have a hard time believing so. In my mind, he's been "The One" since the first day we met. I hope he sees me the same way. I also hope that this hurt in my heart goes away and stops eating away at my insides. I want to be completely happy again, with him or without him (preferably WITH him). I want to continue on with life, like this didn't happen, but I can't. I need to know that he loves and respects me as much as I love him and respect him, and from where I'm standing, it feels like it may be a lot to ask for, but I think I'm worth it. I hope he does too...

No one said relationships would be easy. Maybe this needed to happen to bring me back down from Cloud 9 and back to reality. I needed the slap across the face to remind me that NO ONE is perfect, no matter how much I think they may be perfect for me. But just because he's not perfect (and by no means am I) doesn't mean that this won't work. It just means that I'm now in this relationship with open eyes and an open mind.

Talk about a lot of insight regarding my love life. I guess that's what happens since I'm around the corner from turning 29 (Feb 22). I guess with age comes wisdom and I pray that this wisdom doesn't fail me, just as much as I pray that J doesn't fail me either

Birthmother

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: There are many other things in life that define who I am besides being a birthmother. I am C's mom, J's girlfriend (and hopefully future wife), my mother and father's daughter, I am E & D's sister. I am a student. I am an administrative assistant. I am a friend to some amazing people and an acquaintance to the rest of the world. I don't have one title to define who I am, and if I did, Birthmother wouldn't be what I would choose.

Where is this coming from, you're probably asking? Well, the other day, I caught glimpse of a post on my favorite social networking site from a girl who talked about doing an introduction in her college class where she told everyone she is a birthmom. She was upset that people looked at her dumbfounded. They weren't sure what to make of that. She was upset by the teacher's "lack of proper terminology" and the hushed comments from classmates when class was over. She seemed to be livid by the response to her status. I thought about this for a lil bit, and I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm different than most when it comes to being a birthmom.

I don't think I deserve a special prize or recognition for the sacrifice I made 6 1/2 years ago. I don't think anyone needs to know about my "secret" life other than the people I choose to share it with (and with you reading this blog, of course). This saves me from the awkwardness of having to explain as well as from the having to deal with judgments people pass before really getting to know me. My past experiences in life don't DEFINE who I am, however, they have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I don't let being a single mother or a birthmother be what people remember me as after meeting me for the first time. I want them to think of me as the strong, independent woman who has surpassed the adversities she has faced throughout her life.

Maybe I feel this way because being a mom, to both C and Hope, is a privilege. It has been what has saved my life, as I feel the choices I have made since then have been because of all I've gone through. I am a better peron because of my babies. I push harder in school. I push harder at work. I push, push, push to not be a statistic, to be different, which I feel that I am. So I'm sorry if I meet you out on the street, or if I have a class with you one day and the first thing out of my mouth isn't: "I'm a birthmom". I'm sorry if we cross paths everyday on the way to work or on the way home and you don't ever know. I'm sorry if I see you at the market, or in church, or wherever life takes us and don't tell you. Don't be offended that I never told you when you eventually find out. Be thankful I did, because that means you are special, just as being a birthmom is special to me. :)