I almost don't even know where to begin with this post. It's 12am and I just got back from a great date night with J and yet I am in tears and feel so alone.
Lately we've been going through tremendous ups and downs. He's unsure of the future, with me. All talks of engagement, of babies, of the future, have ceased and it has really hurt my heart a lot. This is someone who I've seen a future with from the start, someone who I consider to be my soulmate, the one person who completes me and he's unsure of me being the one for him. I'm not really sure of what happened that made him change, and it has led me to go through a range of various emotions as of lately. It's difficult for me to be ok with that, but I love him and I have faith that he will figure it out eventually.
Until that eventually comes, I find that I have an extremely hard time being happy for the people around us who are growing and planning for their futures. I struggle with good news from friends that I'd otherwise be happy for because I feel like I'll never be so lucky. Is never a harsh word? Yes, but with the way things have been, I fear that it is probably the best word to describe how much at an arms length I've been to J.
It's been incredibly difficult not to wonder what the eff is wrong with me. It's tough not to be mad at myself for not being everything and anything he could possibly desire. I feel ugly, outside and inside, and I feel like I'm temporary until something better comes along his way.
I know this is more my issues than him. I've told myself that I am great, I am strong, I am beautiful, I have come a long way throughout my 29 years and that if it doesn't work out between us, as least I got to experience real and unconditional love for the first time in my life... But this is hard. All of it....
In one week I have found out one of my dearest friends in pregnant and I am truly happy for her, as this is something that she has wanted for so so long. In addition, I have had also had two friends/acquaintances get engaged, and it has truly taken me for a loop to see people who haven't endured half the battle that we have get the "prize". I know that this isn't a race and that if it is meant to be, it will be, but it is difficult to think that it isn't even something that J wants to discuss anymore like he used to.
I'm tired of crying when I'm alone. I'm tired of hurting and feeling like I'm going to end up like some crazy, single cat lady. I hate that I can't be a good friend and be happy to my newly engaged friends (I AM happy for my pregnant friend and she knows it). I want things to be back to normal. I want us to go back to playing pretend and to making plans for the future together. Whether it was all make believe or not, it meant something to me and I miss it. I miss the feeling that I could be his soulmate as much as I believe he is mine.
Maybe things will smooth out and get better. Maybe he will come to his senses and realize that he has an amazing woman who he could only be so lucky to have on his side for the rest of his life.. Who knows... Like I said, it's in God's hands and I have to have a lil (ok, maybe a lot) of faith that things will work out for the best...
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
A Lot
So much has happened throughout the past couple of months. I almost don't even know where to begin. Life has definitely been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, but I've made it through in one piece and am on my way to making a positive life change that I hope will last for as long as possible. They say that sometimes, things need to get worse before they get better, and I am starting to truly believe that.
I have done a better job at getting over the things that irritated me in the past and started forgiving the people I wasn't even sure why I was mad at them for. I realized that the anger I had inside of me towards people only weighed me down and made me such an ugly person. I find it easier to tolerate people who I couldn't tolerate before, and I'm starting to learn how to brush things off that I usually held onto in the past. That has truly been such a huge step towards positive change in my life...
In addition to a slightly more positive change in my attitude towards people, I got a car... YES! a car! Finally! It was a long, harrowing journey to get that set of keys in my hands, but it happened and I feel so amazing to have been able to accomplish one of the goals on my list. It has allowed me the opportunity to go places (literally) and to accomplish new things in my life, and I feel like it has greatly improved my relationship with C, since I can take him to school everyday, and with J, because now the burden of seeing one another doesn't just lie in his lap. While my 2010 Chevy Aveo wasn't on my top lists of cars to have, its a car and it has taken me places, including a mini vacation to Palm Springs with my honey a couple of weeks ago.
Although I have lots of great news to share about positive changes in my life, it hasn't been easy this past month and a half or so. In fact, its been a fairly difficult time to get through, emotionally. No matter how busy I get or how much greatness preoccupies my life, I can never escape the pain that this time of year brings. Whether I look at the calendar or not, my heart knows that its Mother's Day season, and with every reminder of what gifts to get mom comes that reminder of what my heart is missing.
This time of year isn't easy. I find that its when I am the hardest on myself and when I feel the hole in my heart that has been left behind after I placed precious Hope in the hands of her parents nearly 7 years ago. As blessed as I am to have so many great things in my life, there's no off switch in my brain that could get me to stop thinking about the missing piece. She is my daughter, my little girl, and yet I don't have her here with me to enjoy the wonderful life I share with J and C and the people who I love. That's a choice I have to live with for the rest of my life and I have to learn how to accept it as a part of what makes me who I am rather than let it eat me up inside and push away the people who love me the most.
I have been called strong and unselfish. I have been told that what I did took courage and I am reminded from time to time that my life probably wouldn't be what it is now had I made the choice to parent my precious little girl. I realized that people are right. C wouldn't have the life he has and probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be in private school. I don't know if I would be working where I work or even be dating J, because in all honesty, a girl with two kids has a much harder time dating than a girl with one. I can't think about the what ifs and the would've, could've, should'ves. I have to think about the now and the future. I have to stop beating myself up for the selfless choice I made and I have to think about and appreciate the things I do have, rather than focus on the pieces that I am missing.
My struggle to realize all of this has caused tremendous turmoil for my relationship. I've come to the realization, with the help of J, that I have been unhappy with myself. I keep punishing myself and keep making myself unhappy. I have the whole world in my hands and it's never enough for me, mainly because of the fact that I feel guilty for being happy. It's been a completely new discovery for me to accept the fact that I am the one making me unhappy and no one else. I am the one pushing everyone who loves and cares about me away because I don't feel worthy of love and care. I don't want to feel this way any longer. I want to be happy. I am so truly blessed and I want to acknowledge it with a smile everyday instead of be mad for the choices I made in the past.
I decided to actively search for a therapist, preferably one who specializes in adoptions. It is necessary for my growth and healing. I need to let go of this pain I carry, and while I am on a great path of realizing what it is I am feeling, I need the help to get through it. I can't rely on J to get me through the rough times, most especially because that in turn pushes him away. I don't want to get to the point where I push him away and regret losing him for the rest of my life. I have to fix me, and while I do that, I am grateful for the love and support I am provided with, day in and day out, from my love, from my son, and from the people who truly care about me.
I have had to remind myself daily that I am an amazing woman. I work, I go to school, I have a second job (I started working for an online magazine), I have a healthy, happy, and smart son and a wonderful, loving, amazing boyfriend. I may not have the best family, but I have a family nontheless. I also have an amazing second family, as J's parents have become very much like my own throughout the course of the past year and a half. I have so much to be grateful for and to love myself for. I am smart and intelligent. I am driven and determined, and regardless of how weak I may seem from time to time, I am strong and selfless. I gave both of my children a life I wouldn't have been able to give them had I kept them both. I have to keep reminding myself of that, even on the dark days, because life is just too amazing to let pass by with self-pity and angst...
Turning a new leaf in life to be a better me. Grateful for the people who haven't given up on me throughout this journey, especially J. I know that there are days I will possibly fall off the wagon to happiness, but I'm confident that I have the right people by my side to give me a boost back up when I need it the most. I'm looking forward to being a newer me, a much happier me, and I know that if I put as much work into my happiness and mental health as I do into everything else, I will be the truly phenomenal woman who I aspire to be. In the words of my handsome other half, "Don't talk about it, be about it" and that's what I intend on doing. :)
I have done a better job at getting over the things that irritated me in the past and started forgiving the people I wasn't even sure why I was mad at them for. I realized that the anger I had inside of me towards people only weighed me down and made me such an ugly person. I find it easier to tolerate people who I couldn't tolerate before, and I'm starting to learn how to brush things off that I usually held onto in the past. That has truly been such a huge step towards positive change in my life...
In addition to a slightly more positive change in my attitude towards people, I got a car... YES! a car! Finally! It was a long, harrowing journey to get that set of keys in my hands, but it happened and I feel so amazing to have been able to accomplish one of the goals on my list. It has allowed me the opportunity to go places (literally) and to accomplish new things in my life, and I feel like it has greatly improved my relationship with C, since I can take him to school everyday, and with J, because now the burden of seeing one another doesn't just lie in his lap. While my 2010 Chevy Aveo wasn't on my top lists of cars to have, its a car and it has taken me places, including a mini vacation to Palm Springs with my honey a couple of weeks ago.
Although I have lots of great news to share about positive changes in my life, it hasn't been easy this past month and a half or so. In fact, its been a fairly difficult time to get through, emotionally. No matter how busy I get or how much greatness preoccupies my life, I can never escape the pain that this time of year brings. Whether I look at the calendar or not, my heart knows that its Mother's Day season, and with every reminder of what gifts to get mom comes that reminder of what my heart is missing.
This time of year isn't easy. I find that its when I am the hardest on myself and when I feel the hole in my heart that has been left behind after I placed precious Hope in the hands of her parents nearly 7 years ago. As blessed as I am to have so many great things in my life, there's no off switch in my brain that could get me to stop thinking about the missing piece. She is my daughter, my little girl, and yet I don't have her here with me to enjoy the wonderful life I share with J and C and the people who I love. That's a choice I have to live with for the rest of my life and I have to learn how to accept it as a part of what makes me who I am rather than let it eat me up inside and push away the people who love me the most.
I have been called strong and unselfish. I have been told that what I did took courage and I am reminded from time to time that my life probably wouldn't be what it is now had I made the choice to parent my precious little girl. I realized that people are right. C wouldn't have the life he has and probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be in private school. I don't know if I would be working where I work or even be dating J, because in all honesty, a girl with two kids has a much harder time dating than a girl with one. I can't think about the what ifs and the would've, could've, should'ves. I have to think about the now and the future. I have to stop beating myself up for the selfless choice I made and I have to think about and appreciate the things I do have, rather than focus on the pieces that I am missing.
My struggle to realize all of this has caused tremendous turmoil for my relationship. I've come to the realization, with the help of J, that I have been unhappy with myself. I keep punishing myself and keep making myself unhappy. I have the whole world in my hands and it's never enough for me, mainly because of the fact that I feel guilty for being happy. It's been a completely new discovery for me to accept the fact that I am the one making me unhappy and no one else. I am the one pushing everyone who loves and cares about me away because I don't feel worthy of love and care. I don't want to feel this way any longer. I want to be happy. I am so truly blessed and I want to acknowledge it with a smile everyday instead of be mad for the choices I made in the past.
I decided to actively search for a therapist, preferably one who specializes in adoptions. It is necessary for my growth and healing. I need to let go of this pain I carry, and while I am on a great path of realizing what it is I am feeling, I need the help to get through it. I can't rely on J to get me through the rough times, most especially because that in turn pushes him away. I don't want to get to the point where I push him away and regret losing him for the rest of my life. I have to fix me, and while I do that, I am grateful for the love and support I am provided with, day in and day out, from my love, from my son, and from the people who truly care about me.
I have had to remind myself daily that I am an amazing woman. I work, I go to school, I have a second job (I started working for an online magazine), I have a healthy, happy, and smart son and a wonderful, loving, amazing boyfriend. I may not have the best family, but I have a family nontheless. I also have an amazing second family, as J's parents have become very much like my own throughout the course of the past year and a half. I have so much to be grateful for and to love myself for. I am smart and intelligent. I am driven and determined, and regardless of how weak I may seem from time to time, I am strong and selfless. I gave both of my children a life I wouldn't have been able to give them had I kept them both. I have to keep reminding myself of that, even on the dark days, because life is just too amazing to let pass by with self-pity and angst...
Turning a new leaf in life to be a better me. Grateful for the people who haven't given up on me throughout this journey, especially J. I know that there are days I will possibly fall off the wagon to happiness, but I'm confident that I have the right people by my side to give me a boost back up when I need it the most. I'm looking forward to being a newer me, a much happier me, and I know that if I put as much work into my happiness and mental health as I do into everything else, I will be the truly phenomenal woman who I aspire to be. In the words of my handsome other half, "Don't talk about it, be about it" and that's what I intend on doing. :)
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Realization
This week has been filled with a multitude of emotions. I've been doing a lot of thinking while working away all this fat on the elliptical. I guess my mind uses workout time to rehash what is going on in my life and figures out a game plan to approach the things thrown at me in a better way.
I'm extremely and genuinely happy. I have things working out for me in the best possible way. I am strong, smart, motivated and determined to succeed, whether or not I have people behind me along the way. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about myself, and I feel like I'm steps closer to being back to the girl I used to be when I first started J. It's been a journey and a half, but I finally feel like I'm not stuck in an emotional rut. I'm going places.
Despite my happiness, it has been a rough week. I found out one of my coworkers just found out she has cancer, stage 3. It's brought a depressing mood to work and it has really dampened my mood a bit too. It put me into thinking mode as this coworker is an adoptive mom to two twin seventh grade girls. I thought about how no child should ever have to see their mom go through that. In addition to that, I thought of how I feel as a birthmom, and how scared I would be if something ever happened to my daughter's mom. Afterall, she is who I chose to raise her and protect her (along with her daddy) for the rest of her life. I don't know, I guess that just affected my thought process more than a normal incident with a coworker would, mainly because our connection of her being an A-mom and be being a B-mom.
In addition to the emotions related to the coworker news, I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions about FINALLY getting a car! Yes! FINALLY! No more riding the bus or depending on others to give me rides places. No more asking my parents to use their car or relying on them to do things for me and C. It's been a long journey until this point, but it has been well worth it. I am ready to put my big girl panties on and take on the responsibility of having a car payment in addition to my other bills. I don't think I could have done this without the support from J. He has pushed me to want to be the best woman I could be, and I'm grateful for his help of pushing me when I dont think I can push any more.
I was really bummed out when I called the Honda dealer and spoke to the salesman my mom dealt with a couple of weeks ago for her car. I gave him my information and he called me back to say that my credit wasn't good and I would need a cosigner. He said your mom's credit is great and she can cosign for you. Umm, yeah right... not in a million years. I took that news really hard and felt like my dreams of having a car would go down the drain. J said he would cosign for me, but I had mixed emotions of having to put him in that position.
Yesterday, J and I stopped at the Kia dealership. We browsed around and looked at the cars. We spoke with a really sweet sales guy and he let us test drive the Optima, which I fell in love with. It's a beautiful car, comparable with the Lexus and other high end cars. When we went back to the dealership to run numbers, we found out that I wasn't eligible to get the Optima with my credit but that I could get the Forte, which was really nice. We test drove the Forte, which I really liked a lot as well, and decided on that. The payments are fairly reasonable and within our price range. I was really happy that I was able to get a car I liked at a reasonable price. We have an appointment next week to take care of everything, and by this time next week, I should have a beautiful black Kia Forte sitting in my driveway.
My mom text me a few hours later and I told her where I had been for the past three hours or so. I told her I was going to get a Kia and she was like "umm, really?" She was the complete opposite of supportive, instead telling me that a plane ticket to my friend's wedding in August was more important than getting a car.... umm excuse me, but WTF?!
I came to a MAJOR realization. The last time I got a car, my family gave me the hardest time. I got told I thought I was better than everyone else because I got a car, when all actuality, I was working and going to school and doing the things I needed to do. I will never forget the day when my parents and my sister accused me of the absurdest things, and wondering where the F all of that came from. I haven't even gotten my car yet and I am already starting to see the pattern continue. I am getting no support from my own family. I have no one here telling me they are happy for me and I think I know why...
By me having to take the bus or rely on using their car to do things, they are able to control the type of things I do with MY son. They are the ones who have let me use the car when it was convenient to them and it was always on their terms. If I needed to go to the gym a mile away, I needed to put gas in their car. I had to wait for them. I was always grateful for being able to use their car, and it is something they seemed to hold over my head so that they could still maintain their control of what I did and where I went and with who, especially when it came to my relationship with C. I wish they would just be happy for me, and unfortunately I know they aren't, and that sucks. But it is what it is...
I'm glad that I'm in a clearer state of mind and I can see things i was unable to see clearly before. I'm in a better place to understand the reasons why things are the way they are between us, and I get it. It's sad, but I get it, and it is what it is. If being successful and achieving all the things I've worked so hard towards is a sign that I think I'm better than them, so be it. I'm better and that's a good thing...
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Turning a New Leaf
When I look back at my previous post, I realize how much my life has changed completely within a matter of a few weeks. I'm almost embarrassed at how needy I was feeling, just less than a month ago. I had so much anger and anxiety over things that were out of my control and I really had no way to tame my emotional outburts and sadness. I felt like a ticking time bomb who was so ugly on the inside. I felt like waiting for therapy to begin would only push me over the edge and I would lose everything I've worked so hard to have, especially my relationship.
I have been blessed to have a supportive, patient man in my life who tries his best to understand that I'd been going through a tough time. But no matter how patient he was, there was no excuse for him being my "emotional punching bag" as he called it. He was ready to walk away and I was devastated. I told him I wanted to change and that all I was waiting on was to be called by the counseling agency to start therapy, but I really wasn't sure of when that would happen. I felt desperate. I missed being happy.
I woke up one day and realized that I needed to start to change my life with feeling better about myself. I can't expect J, or anything or anyone else for that matter to make me happy if I wasn't happy with me. I could never expect love when I didn't love myself first. A big part of my unhappiness has been with my appearance.
The first thing I did was cut my past shoulder length hair to a bob. Yup, I chopped it all off. I decided one night while on the couch with J that I needed that kind of change and the next day, I was at the salon asking for a longer bob. Even the guy at the salon asked: "Are you SURE?" As I left those 6+ inches of old hair on the floor of the salon that day, I felt like it symbolized the "old me" that I no longer wanted to be.
The week after I cut my hair, I decided that I needed a lifestyle change. Through the past few weeks, I have started to change my eating habits, as well as have started working out nearly 5 days a week. I have become addicted to going to the gym after a long day at work. I have started to long the feeling of sweat dripping down my face and back, as well as that feeling of being out of breath after a good workout. I didn't realize how much of a HUGE change this would bring to my life and I almost feel like a completely different person.
All of a sudden, I have confidence. I am confident in ME, in everything I do: work, school, my relationship with J, my relationship with C, my relationship with my family, and even my relationship with people I couldn't tolerate previously. I feel so incredibly good about myself, I am positive and upbeat and have the amazing attitude I always wished I could have. I have no words to explain how much making a few changes in my life have impacted me. It's been a tremendous change.
One of the biggest changes in my life is that normally, at this time of year, I'm an emotional wreck. Mother's Day is always a sore subject and I am a BITCH. Yes, I admit it. But this year, I feel different. I don't really think it's about my acceptance of the adoption, but more so, my acceptance with myself. I've come to the realization that the person who holds the key to my happiness is ME. I am the only one who can determine how my day will go and what kind of mood I should be in. No one else should have that type of power over me. Granted, I still have my off days here and there, they are nothing compared to the mess I was before.
In addition to the sense of happiness I feel, I find that it is easier to tolerate people I could hardly even be in the same room as before. One person in particular who has irked me for the longest time (mainly because she reminded me so much of the person I used to be in my old life) has been so much easier to tolerate. In addition to tolerance, I realize that I want to share my happiness with others and find myself inviting others to joining me in the lifestyle change I've been making. I've even invited this particular person to the gym with me. For anyone who knows who I am talking about, that is a HUGE step.
My relationship with J has gotten a lot better. Besides an argument on Easter Sunday where I found myself to be more emotional than usual, we have been pretty happy, even enjoying an unusual weekend out with friends instead of our usual homework and responsibility laden Saturday and Sundays. I am so blessed to have someone who supports me and the changes I'm making in my life, and I am so glad that he is on board with making a change for himself too. We have started going to the gym together when we can, and he is also dieting as well. It's so much more motivating when you have someone who is pushing right along with you to make the best choices possible.
I am finally happy... and it feels damn good!
I have been blessed to have a supportive, patient man in my life who tries his best to understand that I'd been going through a tough time. But no matter how patient he was, there was no excuse for him being my "emotional punching bag" as he called it. He was ready to walk away and I was devastated. I told him I wanted to change and that all I was waiting on was to be called by the counseling agency to start therapy, but I really wasn't sure of when that would happen. I felt desperate. I missed being happy.
I woke up one day and realized that I needed to start to change my life with feeling better about myself. I can't expect J, or anything or anyone else for that matter to make me happy if I wasn't happy with me. I could never expect love when I didn't love myself first. A big part of my unhappiness has been with my appearance.
The first thing I did was cut my past shoulder length hair to a bob. Yup, I chopped it all off. I decided one night while on the couch with J that I needed that kind of change and the next day, I was at the salon asking for a longer bob. Even the guy at the salon asked: "Are you SURE?" As I left those 6+ inches of old hair on the floor of the salon that day, I felt like it symbolized the "old me" that I no longer wanted to be.
The week after I cut my hair, I decided that I needed a lifestyle change. Through the past few weeks, I have started to change my eating habits, as well as have started working out nearly 5 days a week. I have become addicted to going to the gym after a long day at work. I have started to long the feeling of sweat dripping down my face and back, as well as that feeling of being out of breath after a good workout. I didn't realize how much of a HUGE change this would bring to my life and I almost feel like a completely different person.
All of a sudden, I have confidence. I am confident in ME, in everything I do: work, school, my relationship with J, my relationship with C, my relationship with my family, and even my relationship with people I couldn't tolerate previously. I feel so incredibly good about myself, I am positive and upbeat and have the amazing attitude I always wished I could have. I have no words to explain how much making a few changes in my life have impacted me. It's been a tremendous change.
One of the biggest changes in my life is that normally, at this time of year, I'm an emotional wreck. Mother's Day is always a sore subject and I am a BITCH. Yes, I admit it. But this year, I feel different. I don't really think it's about my acceptance of the adoption, but more so, my acceptance with myself. I've come to the realization that the person who holds the key to my happiness is ME. I am the only one who can determine how my day will go and what kind of mood I should be in. No one else should have that type of power over me. Granted, I still have my off days here and there, they are nothing compared to the mess I was before.
In addition to the sense of happiness I feel, I find that it is easier to tolerate people I could hardly even be in the same room as before. One person in particular who has irked me for the longest time (mainly because she reminded me so much of the person I used to be in my old life) has been so much easier to tolerate. In addition to tolerance, I realize that I want to share my happiness with others and find myself inviting others to joining me in the lifestyle change I've been making. I've even invited this particular person to the gym with me. For anyone who knows who I am talking about, that is a HUGE step.
My relationship with J has gotten a lot better. Besides an argument on Easter Sunday where I found myself to be more emotional than usual, we have been pretty happy, even enjoying an unusual weekend out with friends instead of our usual homework and responsibility laden Saturday and Sundays. I am so blessed to have someone who supports me and the changes I'm making in my life, and I am so glad that he is on board with making a change for himself too. We have started going to the gym together when we can, and he is also dieting as well. It's so much more motivating when you have someone who is pushing right along with you to make the best choices possible.
I am finally happy... and it feels damn good!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Wall
I'm upset. Not really sure at who, but I'm angry and I can't really sleep like this. My mind keeps going and I feel like it can't stop. I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, yet I'm not sure why or how to stop it from happening.
Finding out the pregnancy wasn't real was pretty difficult for me, emotionally. I didn't realize how many feelings I had attached to the thought that I was expecting. In just a couple of short weeks, I went from being scared of being pregnant to accepting and anticipating a positive result. During that time, I went through the fear of going through what I went through in the past with my pregnancy and the life of C, as well as everything adoption related. I have been holding on to so many feelings, and I wish they could have all gone away along with the notion of me being pregnant the moment I got that negative test result. But unfortunately, none of it went away. My fears have stayed with me and have made me feel like I'm going crazy.
I have massive fears that J is going to leave me for someone prettier and thinner and smarter and funnier. I have fears that he may have someone on the side right now. I worry about what he may be doing when he's not with me and who he's talking to or texting. He's been different the past few days towards me, sort of distant and not as sweet as usual. Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel that way. My biggest fear is that he is maintaining that thing with that girl or even maybe someone else. I have trust and faith in him that he's smarter than that, but I fear that he has no need for me, especially now that I'm not pregnant and he doesn't have anything tying himself down to me.
I know in my heart that this is a messed up way to think. I know that I should believe him when he tells me he loves me with all of his heart and that he will never mess up again, but I'm so deathly afraid of getting hurt by him of all people. I'm so scared that he is going to realize that I'm not good enough for him and that I'm not the girl for him and that he's going to leave and never look back. I have opened up my heart and let down my guard in a way I have never imagine, putting myself in the most vulnerable position and I don't even know how to feel ok and safe. I keep wanting to rebuild that wall because it's the only way I know how to be and the only way I know how to keep from getting hurt.
I know I'm a smart girl who has a lot of things going for her. I know I'm a sweet girl who any guy would be lucky to have. But I know that I'm not pretty and I know I'm not spectacular and definitely not the kind of girl a guy would love to show off to his friends, and I worry that I will always be the girl who will never be good enough to be number one and only. I know these are my issues, and it's all based on the crap I've been through in my past. I know in my heart that J is different but I have to hope and pray that he feels the same about me. I hope he fears losing me as much as I fear losing him because I feel I deserve to be loved just as much, if not more.
I feel like I'm so needy right now. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I had a difficult, emotional week and as long as it took me to accept that my life would change if I were pregnant, it's taking me even longer to accept that it isn't going to change at all because I'm not. But really, all I want and need is quality time with J. I just want to be in his arms while he hugs me and tells me everything is going to be ok. Granted, he made the effort to see me on Tuesday for a quick dinner for an hour and a half, and I saw him Thursday for a little bit, yesterday he spent the day with C and I and today both of our family's went to a hockey game, but I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to deal with the raw, heartbreaking emotions that I feel about the whole thing, and I feel like maybe he doesn't really even care. This is harder than I thought it would be, and I can't really pin-point why. All I know is that I need him and I won't be seeing him till the end of the week. Talk about a shitty way to spend my Spring Break :(
Maybe I depend on him too much. I've made him such a pivotal element of my life and centered all the things I do around him. He is, after all, my best friend. He's the one I have counted on to be there for me while I go through things in life over the course of the past year or so, and he's the only one I want to comfort me in a time like this. Knowing I don't have him to hold me, and kiss me, and play with my hair and whisper that he loves me all week kills me and it makes me so upset because I feel like I have lost all my power to this man. I've allowed him to control my feelings and emotions and all without him even realizing it. I wish I could be the type of girl who didn't care whether he has time for me, but the truth of the matter is that I never could be that type of girl, even if I wanted to be. That's what I get for putting others ahead of myself, a trait that I wish could change about myself.
I'm sobbing as I type this because I don't even know what the hell has happened to me. I don't know what happened to my strength. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I feel so crazy right now for having the feelings and emotions that I feel. I spent most of the night at the hockey game upset when he confirmed we won't be seeing each other tomorrow. I was boiling on the inside. Maybe because he seemed so nonchalant about it, but regardless, I felt like I just wasn't on his list of priorities like he is on mine. Granted, I'm probably wrong, but thats the way it came across as.
I can't wait for therapy to start. I can't live like this. The emotions of everything in my life are killing me slowly. Finding out IB wasn't real. Issues with my "family". Realizing lately that I really have no real friends. Not being able to see J until Friday. Having too much free time on my hands to think about shit. Worrying about things I have no control over.... I'm driving myself fucking crazy. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out for a week or two till I'm all cried out and I have nothing left in me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to go back to normal, and I worry I won't now that Mother's Day is just around the corner. God help me... It's going to be a long month and a half to get through....
Finding out the pregnancy wasn't real was pretty difficult for me, emotionally. I didn't realize how many feelings I had attached to the thought that I was expecting. In just a couple of short weeks, I went from being scared of being pregnant to accepting and anticipating a positive result. During that time, I went through the fear of going through what I went through in the past with my pregnancy and the life of C, as well as everything adoption related. I have been holding on to so many feelings, and I wish they could have all gone away along with the notion of me being pregnant the moment I got that negative test result. But unfortunately, none of it went away. My fears have stayed with me and have made me feel like I'm going crazy.
I have massive fears that J is going to leave me for someone prettier and thinner and smarter and funnier. I have fears that he may have someone on the side right now. I worry about what he may be doing when he's not with me and who he's talking to or texting. He's been different the past few days towards me, sort of distant and not as sweet as usual. Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel that way. My biggest fear is that he is maintaining that thing with that girl or even maybe someone else. I have trust and faith in him that he's smarter than that, but I fear that he has no need for me, especially now that I'm not pregnant and he doesn't have anything tying himself down to me.
I know in my heart that this is a messed up way to think. I know that I should believe him when he tells me he loves me with all of his heart and that he will never mess up again, but I'm so deathly afraid of getting hurt by him of all people. I'm so scared that he is going to realize that I'm not good enough for him and that I'm not the girl for him and that he's going to leave and never look back. I have opened up my heart and let down my guard in a way I have never imagine, putting myself in the most vulnerable position and I don't even know how to feel ok and safe. I keep wanting to rebuild that wall because it's the only way I know how to be and the only way I know how to keep from getting hurt.
I know I'm a smart girl who has a lot of things going for her. I know I'm a sweet girl who any guy would be lucky to have. But I know that I'm not pretty and I know I'm not spectacular and definitely not the kind of girl a guy would love to show off to his friends, and I worry that I will always be the girl who will never be good enough to be number one and only. I know these are my issues, and it's all based on the crap I've been through in my past. I know in my heart that J is different but I have to hope and pray that he feels the same about me. I hope he fears losing me as much as I fear losing him because I feel I deserve to be loved just as much, if not more.
I feel like I'm so needy right now. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I had a difficult, emotional week and as long as it took me to accept that my life would change if I were pregnant, it's taking me even longer to accept that it isn't going to change at all because I'm not. But really, all I want and need is quality time with J. I just want to be in his arms while he hugs me and tells me everything is going to be ok. Granted, he made the effort to see me on Tuesday for a quick dinner for an hour and a half, and I saw him Thursday for a little bit, yesterday he spent the day with C and I and today both of our family's went to a hockey game, but I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to deal with the raw, heartbreaking emotions that I feel about the whole thing, and I feel like maybe he doesn't really even care. This is harder than I thought it would be, and I can't really pin-point why. All I know is that I need him and I won't be seeing him till the end of the week. Talk about a shitty way to spend my Spring Break :(
Maybe I depend on him too much. I've made him such a pivotal element of my life and centered all the things I do around him. He is, after all, my best friend. He's the one I have counted on to be there for me while I go through things in life over the course of the past year or so, and he's the only one I want to comfort me in a time like this. Knowing I don't have him to hold me, and kiss me, and play with my hair and whisper that he loves me all week kills me and it makes me so upset because I feel like I have lost all my power to this man. I've allowed him to control my feelings and emotions and all without him even realizing it. I wish I could be the type of girl who didn't care whether he has time for me, but the truth of the matter is that I never could be that type of girl, even if I wanted to be. That's what I get for putting others ahead of myself, a trait that I wish could change about myself.
I'm sobbing as I type this because I don't even know what the hell has happened to me. I don't know what happened to my strength. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I feel so crazy right now for having the feelings and emotions that I feel. I spent most of the night at the hockey game upset when he confirmed we won't be seeing each other tomorrow. I was boiling on the inside. Maybe because he seemed so nonchalant about it, but regardless, I felt like I just wasn't on his list of priorities like he is on mine. Granted, I'm probably wrong, but thats the way it came across as.
I can't wait for therapy to start. I can't live like this. The emotions of everything in my life are killing me slowly. Finding out IB wasn't real. Issues with my "family". Realizing lately that I really have no real friends. Not being able to see J until Friday. Having too much free time on my hands to think about shit. Worrying about things I have no control over.... I'm driving myself fucking crazy. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out for a week or two till I'm all cried out and I have nothing left in me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to go back to normal, and I worry I won't now that Mother's Day is just around the corner. God help me... It's going to be a long month and a half to get through....
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Dear IB...
Dear IB (Imaginary Baby),
After several weeks of feeling symptoms of pregnancy, and after finally accepting the life change that was about to happen, I found out late last night that you are, in fact, imaginary. I didn't think the information would be so hard to hear, but when the doctor told me that my blood test was negative, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't realize I wanted you so bad.
Maybe I should start at the beginning. Before I met your daddy, I wasn't sure what I wanted for my future. I knew that I never wanted to go through the things I went through in my past and really never gave marriage or having more children a second thought. I figured that this was my opportunity to get my life in order and be the mom to C that I always wanted to be. Then, when I least expected it, I found the one person who could make me laugh and smile like no one ever has.
Your daddy is the only person in the world who I have ever been able to see a future with. He's an amazing, smart, handsome man who I have fallen so deeply in love with. He is more than just my boyfriend, he has become my best friend and the only person I could imagine by my side for the rest of my life. Not only has he been good to me, he's been amazing to your brother, C. He is kind, playful, and I have always told him that I could imagine him to be a good father someday.
While we have talked about marriage and creating a family of our own, our plan wasn't supposed to happen until at least he was done with school. Even though we had been careful, when I started having symptoms that usually coincide with pregnancy, that was my first assumption. When I shared this with your daddy, he said "Don't tell me because you are going to get my hopes up." I didn't realize he was actually ok with the possibility that he could be a daddy sooner than we both expected. I also didn't realize that of the two of us, I was the one with the anxieties of the possibilities that you might be real.
Yes, I'm not going to lie, the moment I started feeling nauseous in the morning, and when I noticed I started gaining weight, as well as the moment I truly realized that the possibility of a baby growing in me was real, I kind of freaked out a little bit. I had thoughts about possibly not being adequate enough since your daddy and I aren't married, or even engaged, nor do we even live together. But of all people, your wonderful, amazing daddy calmed my fears and reminded me that I'm not going to go through this alone and that he would be there for every step of the way. I caught on to his excitement and I looked forward to the day we found out that we were going to have a little angel together.
The day I was expecting my period and it didn't come, I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I couldn't understand how that was possible because I felt you inside of me. I felt like you were real and that all the symptoms I felt were proof that you were growing inside of me. I was definitely disappointed, as was your daddy who told me he had "lost hope". I wanted so badly to prove him wrong. I wanted him to know that the symptoms I felt were real and that you weren't just a product of my imagination. Two days later, on Saturday morning, I took another test, and once again it came back negative. That's when I started to call you my "Imaginary Baby" and I got to blame all I was feeling and craving on you.
I couldn't take this anymore. Nausea, sore breasts, back pain, missed period, majorly emotional, heightened sense of smell, weight gain, etc. There HAD to be a reason for all of this. Even more so when I started having a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen. On Monday morning (yesterday), I had asked your daddy to go to the doctor with me on Tuesday (today), but I couldn't wait very much longer. I decided to head on over to urgent care and see a doctor. I needed the confirmation that you were in fact growing inside of me. While I wished your daddy could have been there with me (he was at work being the responsible man that he is), I knew I had to do this to calm all our minds that were being wracked with thoughts of you all day.
While I waited in the waiting room, people asked me what I was there for and I said, "To find out if I'm pregnant". I never felt such a sense of pride and excitement to found out about you. I wanted to tell the world that I may be pregnant. While I was super nervous and thought about how the result of the blood test I had just taken would change mine and your daddy's life forever, I was definitely looking forward to the doctor confirming that you were no longer imaginary.
I was wrong. My body, mind, and heart tricked me. They led me to believe that you were growing inside of me. The moment the doctor told me that the test was negative, I cried in the exam room, wishing this was all a bad dream. I wanted you to be real after I imagined what you would look like, and be like. I wanted you to be your daddy's little gorilla, boy or girl. I felt like that was all washed away at that moment and I was all alone to dwell in those thoughts and then had to snap out of it, as the doctor requested for me to take more tests to get to the bottom of why I am really feeling like this.
Since last night, my mind has been racing at the possibilities of everything that could be going with me. At this point, I have no idea what to think. The doctor said he would call me with the results of my extra lab work, but at the moment I don't really have a clue of what's going on. I did research that several people have had blood and urine tests come back negative and still have viable, healthy pregnancies, so I'm not giving up hopes of you being fully imaginary just yet, but I do have to admit that I'm not even so sure of myself. Even if you truly were imaginary, I have to tell you that I loved the thought of you growing inside of me and the idea that eventually I would get to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear how beautiful or handsome you were and how much I loved you for being a piece of me and your daddy.
Thank you, IB, for making me realize that I definitely want to be a mommy again, and I want J to be the one to go through parenthood all over again with. Thank you for opening up my mind and heart to the idea of a family, whether before or after your daddy and I get married. Thank you for not making me scared of what people say or think and for giving me the strength to realize that my happiness is my own and that no one else's opinion of it matter. Also, I thank you for giving me a timeline I want to stick to as far as the future goes and giving me the drive to get things done sooner rather than later. Thank you, also, for making me cry as I write this, because even though you may be imaginary, my emotions and my love for you are not... :)
I love you, IB.
Love,
Your Mommy
After several weeks of feeling symptoms of pregnancy, and after finally accepting the life change that was about to happen, I found out late last night that you are, in fact, imaginary. I didn't think the information would be so hard to hear, but when the doctor told me that my blood test was negative, I had tears in my eyes. I didn't realize I wanted you so bad.
Maybe I should start at the beginning. Before I met your daddy, I wasn't sure what I wanted for my future. I knew that I never wanted to go through the things I went through in my past and really never gave marriage or having more children a second thought. I figured that this was my opportunity to get my life in order and be the mom to C that I always wanted to be. Then, when I least expected it, I found the one person who could make me laugh and smile like no one ever has.
Your daddy is the only person in the world who I have ever been able to see a future with. He's an amazing, smart, handsome man who I have fallen so deeply in love with. He is more than just my boyfriend, he has become my best friend and the only person I could imagine by my side for the rest of my life. Not only has he been good to me, he's been amazing to your brother, C. He is kind, playful, and I have always told him that I could imagine him to be a good father someday.
While we have talked about marriage and creating a family of our own, our plan wasn't supposed to happen until at least he was done with school. Even though we had been careful, when I started having symptoms that usually coincide with pregnancy, that was my first assumption. When I shared this with your daddy, he said "Don't tell me because you are going to get my hopes up." I didn't realize he was actually ok with the possibility that he could be a daddy sooner than we both expected. I also didn't realize that of the two of us, I was the one with the anxieties of the possibilities that you might be real.
Yes, I'm not going to lie, the moment I started feeling nauseous in the morning, and when I noticed I started gaining weight, as well as the moment I truly realized that the possibility of a baby growing in me was real, I kind of freaked out a little bit. I had thoughts about possibly not being adequate enough since your daddy and I aren't married, or even engaged, nor do we even live together. But of all people, your wonderful, amazing daddy calmed my fears and reminded me that I'm not going to go through this alone and that he would be there for every step of the way. I caught on to his excitement and I looked forward to the day we found out that we were going to have a little angel together.
The day I was expecting my period and it didn't come, I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I couldn't understand how that was possible because I felt you inside of me. I felt like you were real and that all the symptoms I felt were proof that you were growing inside of me. I was definitely disappointed, as was your daddy who told me he had "lost hope". I wanted so badly to prove him wrong. I wanted him to know that the symptoms I felt were real and that you weren't just a product of my imagination. Two days later, on Saturday morning, I took another test, and once again it came back negative. That's when I started to call you my "Imaginary Baby" and I got to blame all I was feeling and craving on you.
I couldn't take this anymore. Nausea, sore breasts, back pain, missed period, majorly emotional, heightened sense of smell, weight gain, etc. There HAD to be a reason for all of this. Even more so when I started having a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen. On Monday morning (yesterday), I had asked your daddy to go to the doctor with me on Tuesday (today), but I couldn't wait very much longer. I decided to head on over to urgent care and see a doctor. I needed the confirmation that you were in fact growing inside of me. While I wished your daddy could have been there with me (he was at work being the responsible man that he is), I knew I had to do this to calm all our minds that were being wracked with thoughts of you all day.
While I waited in the waiting room, people asked me what I was there for and I said, "To find out if I'm pregnant". I never felt such a sense of pride and excitement to found out about you. I wanted to tell the world that I may be pregnant. While I was super nervous and thought about how the result of the blood test I had just taken would change mine and your daddy's life forever, I was definitely looking forward to the doctor confirming that you were no longer imaginary.
I was wrong. My body, mind, and heart tricked me. They led me to believe that you were growing inside of me. The moment the doctor told me that the test was negative, I cried in the exam room, wishing this was all a bad dream. I wanted you to be real after I imagined what you would look like, and be like. I wanted you to be your daddy's little gorilla, boy or girl. I felt like that was all washed away at that moment and I was all alone to dwell in those thoughts and then had to snap out of it, as the doctor requested for me to take more tests to get to the bottom of why I am really feeling like this.
Since last night, my mind has been racing at the possibilities of everything that could be going with me. At this point, I have no idea what to think. The doctor said he would call me with the results of my extra lab work, but at the moment I don't really have a clue of what's going on. I did research that several people have had blood and urine tests come back negative and still have viable, healthy pregnancies, so I'm not giving up hopes of you being fully imaginary just yet, but I do have to admit that I'm not even so sure of myself. Even if you truly were imaginary, I have to tell you that I loved the thought of you growing inside of me and the idea that eventually I would get to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear how beautiful or handsome you were and how much I loved you for being a piece of me and your daddy.
Thank you, IB, for making me realize that I definitely want to be a mommy again, and I want J to be the one to go through parenthood all over again with. Thank you for opening up my mind and heart to the idea of a family, whether before or after your daddy and I get married. Thank you for not making me scared of what people say or think and for giving me the strength to realize that my happiness is my own and that no one else's opinion of it matter. Also, I thank you for giving me a timeline I want to stick to as far as the future goes and giving me the drive to get things done sooner rather than later. Thank you, also, for making me cry as I write this, because even though you may be imaginary, my emotions and my love for you are not... :)
I love you, IB.
Love,
Your Mommy
Monday, March 19, 2012
Imaginary Baby
So much has happened since my last blog post on February 9th. It almost feels like a distant lifetime away, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. The past month and a half have definitely been filled with a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I don't even really know where to start, as there is just so much to say. I have gotten another year older and I have realized so many things all in such a short period of time.
First of all, my relationship with J has gotten to be so much better. He has definitely made the effort to prove to me that he is unlike any guy in my past and that has meant so much to me. We had a great Valentine's Day where he sent me flowers to work and we went to a Lauryn Hill concert in the evening. For my birthday, he made me feel incredible special for the whole week leading up to it. He even surprised me at work the day before to take me to see The Vow and on the day of, he baked me a cake - all by himself. He has truly been amazing and I am so grateful for that. The bond between us is like no other, and I feel so blessed to have a truly wonderful good man by my side.
In addition to my great relationship with J, I have found myself trying to be a better mom to C. I have come to the realization that I've let my family come in the way of my relationship with my son, and I have allowed them to control the bond I have with him. I am doing my best to change that and to include him in most of the things going on in my life. I'm not a young adult anymore. I am nearly 30 years old, and I am at a point in my life where I want to change how people perceive me as, mostly in part to how my parents have tried to take over. I'm not an irresponsible mother, and I don't party or drink or have extremely wild times. I am a completely different person than I was at 20 and 25. I'm becoming someone my son can eventually be proud of.
Speaking of being someone my son can be proud of, I have successfully completed my first full quarter of school. The old me would see extremely difficult coursework and freak out. I would run at the thought of having an extremely large amount of work in a difficult class. In addition, if I did stay in a class and complete it, I would to the bare minimum to get by and was satisfied with getting a C or a D. I can proudly say I passed both of my classes, and while I haven't received the grade for one yet (I think I got an A), I did get the grade for the other, and am happy to say I got a B. I am extremely happy and proud of myself, as this has been proof that I can do anything I set my mind to...
On top of all of that going on, I may have some good news. Well, at first, I wasn't so sure if it was good news, but then I realized that I am in a much better place in my life than where I was at when I was 20 and 22, and that I have an amazing, responsible, hard-working, loving man by my side. For the past couple of weeks, I have been having major pregnancy symptoms. I am nauseated, have vomited a couple of times, have the urge to pee more frequently, my breasts are huge and sensitive, my tummy is bloated, I am extremely emotional and way more tired, yet have a hard time sleeping at night. I've taken two pregnancy tests, one on the first day I was expecting my period and the second two days later first thing in the morning. Both tests came back negative, however, as I type this out, my breasts feel like watermelons and I am 5 days late.
I joke with J that I am pregnant with an imaginary baby since both tests have come out negative and I still feel pregnant. It's so amazing how much of a good man I have in my life. He has been so calm and supportive, and has actually looked forward to me being pregnant, so much, that I feel excited that I may be as well. I felt so bad when we took the first test and it came out negative. He was so disappointed and said he "lost hope". I explained that I may still be and that when I was pregnant with C, I took 4 tests and each came back negative, due to not having enough hormones in my system, which I have since learned that boys usually give off less hormones, making it harder to test positive. I am planning on making a doctor's appointment this week so that we may find out for sure, and if I am not, I can move on. Crazy big news, but regardless of what the outcome is, I see it as a positive. Positive test means that J, C, IB (Imaginary Baby), and I can start our future together sooner, and a negative test means that J and I know exactly what we want and have a better timeline and plan of how we want our future to play out, including me buying a car and us getting our own place by August, as well as possibly throwing in an engagement in there. While I would have liked to have been married when our family got started, I am at the point where I could care less if I have a ring on my finger to prove that I have an amazing, wonderful man in my life. I have his love and commitment as it is, and I know that soon enough will come all the rest of our plans for the future.
With all the scattered emotions I have felt due to these crazy hormones, I have been having a very very very very very hard time with the fact that my middle sister, E, just got engaged. E is 25 years old and hasn't worked in nearly three years. She started school recently, and after getting a "tension headache" that put her out of school for two weeks, she stopped going. E's boyfriend of nearly four years, W, who is 24, has been unemployed for several months. His cocky attitude has had him telling everyone he would be getting a job soon with all of his amazing qualifications, but there doesn't seem to be much employment activity going on with him. From what I see, E and W are disrespectful to one another and she bosses him around all the time. They are a completely toxic couple and I don't see how their marriage were to survive, nor do I see either them being able to face the reality and struggle of how hard life really is away from mommy and daddy.
I don't know why this whole thing hit me so hard. Maybe it was the fact that I am dealing with my own emotions over the possibility of being pregnant (or not). Maybe it was because I feel bad that my sister is setting herself up for failure. Maybe its because a little piece of me is jealous that I have my life more together and I'm not engaged yet. Maybe it's the hurt I felt because I didn't even find this out from my family, but rather through a mutual facebook friend who said its posted all over the place. Who knows?! All I know is that I am grateful for J's mom because she gave me the perspective I needed to get through all of this and while I'm still upset that my family has kept this from me for two days now, I have come to the realization that just because we share the same blood does not make us family. I can only hope and pray she and her marriage don't fail, and smile through my gritted teeth and pretend to be happy for her.
So yeah, quite a lot of stuff going on in my life. I'm hoping that we at least get an answer as to why I am feeling this way by the end of this week. I would like to move forward with my life, whether I am pregnant or not, although I really would like to be at this point (I'm not getting any younger). It's time to live for me and for my son and for J (and IB), to do the things that make me happy, regardless of the thoughts and judgments of other people. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me, including my "family". I'm happy and that's all that matters...
First of all, my relationship with J has gotten to be so much better. He has definitely made the effort to prove to me that he is unlike any guy in my past and that has meant so much to me. We had a great Valentine's Day where he sent me flowers to work and we went to a Lauryn Hill concert in the evening. For my birthday, he made me feel incredible special for the whole week leading up to it. He even surprised me at work the day before to take me to see The Vow and on the day of, he baked me a cake - all by himself. He has truly been amazing and I am so grateful for that. The bond between us is like no other, and I feel so blessed to have a truly wonderful good man by my side.
In addition to my great relationship with J, I have found myself trying to be a better mom to C. I have come to the realization that I've let my family come in the way of my relationship with my son, and I have allowed them to control the bond I have with him. I am doing my best to change that and to include him in most of the things going on in my life. I'm not a young adult anymore. I am nearly 30 years old, and I am at a point in my life where I want to change how people perceive me as, mostly in part to how my parents have tried to take over. I'm not an irresponsible mother, and I don't party or drink or have extremely wild times. I am a completely different person than I was at 20 and 25. I'm becoming someone my son can eventually be proud of.
Speaking of being someone my son can be proud of, I have successfully completed my first full quarter of school. The old me would see extremely difficult coursework and freak out. I would run at the thought of having an extremely large amount of work in a difficult class. In addition, if I did stay in a class and complete it, I would to the bare minimum to get by and was satisfied with getting a C or a D. I can proudly say I passed both of my classes, and while I haven't received the grade for one yet (I think I got an A), I did get the grade for the other, and am happy to say I got a B. I am extremely happy and proud of myself, as this has been proof that I can do anything I set my mind to...
On top of all of that going on, I may have some good news. Well, at first, I wasn't so sure if it was good news, but then I realized that I am in a much better place in my life than where I was at when I was 20 and 22, and that I have an amazing, responsible, hard-working, loving man by my side. For the past couple of weeks, I have been having major pregnancy symptoms. I am nauseated, have vomited a couple of times, have the urge to pee more frequently, my breasts are huge and sensitive, my tummy is bloated, I am extremely emotional and way more tired, yet have a hard time sleeping at night. I've taken two pregnancy tests, one on the first day I was expecting my period and the second two days later first thing in the morning. Both tests came back negative, however, as I type this out, my breasts feel like watermelons and I am 5 days late.
I joke with J that I am pregnant with an imaginary baby since both tests have come out negative and I still feel pregnant. It's so amazing how much of a good man I have in my life. He has been so calm and supportive, and has actually looked forward to me being pregnant, so much, that I feel excited that I may be as well. I felt so bad when we took the first test and it came out negative. He was so disappointed and said he "lost hope". I explained that I may still be and that when I was pregnant with C, I took 4 tests and each came back negative, due to not having enough hormones in my system, which I have since learned that boys usually give off less hormones, making it harder to test positive. I am planning on making a doctor's appointment this week so that we may find out for sure, and if I am not, I can move on. Crazy big news, but regardless of what the outcome is, I see it as a positive. Positive test means that J, C, IB (Imaginary Baby), and I can start our future together sooner, and a negative test means that J and I know exactly what we want and have a better timeline and plan of how we want our future to play out, including me buying a car and us getting our own place by August, as well as possibly throwing in an engagement in there. While I would have liked to have been married when our family got started, I am at the point where I could care less if I have a ring on my finger to prove that I have an amazing, wonderful man in my life. I have his love and commitment as it is, and I know that soon enough will come all the rest of our plans for the future.
With all the scattered emotions I have felt due to these crazy hormones, I have been having a very very very very very hard time with the fact that my middle sister, E, just got engaged. E is 25 years old and hasn't worked in nearly three years. She started school recently, and after getting a "tension headache" that put her out of school for two weeks, she stopped going. E's boyfriend of nearly four years, W, who is 24, has been unemployed for several months. His cocky attitude has had him telling everyone he would be getting a job soon with all of his amazing qualifications, but there doesn't seem to be much employment activity going on with him. From what I see, E and W are disrespectful to one another and she bosses him around all the time. They are a completely toxic couple and I don't see how their marriage were to survive, nor do I see either them being able to face the reality and struggle of how hard life really is away from mommy and daddy.
I don't know why this whole thing hit me so hard. Maybe it was the fact that I am dealing with my own emotions over the possibility of being pregnant (or not). Maybe it was because I feel bad that my sister is setting herself up for failure. Maybe its because a little piece of me is jealous that I have my life more together and I'm not engaged yet. Maybe it's the hurt I felt because I didn't even find this out from my family, but rather through a mutual facebook friend who said its posted all over the place. Who knows?! All I know is that I am grateful for J's mom because she gave me the perspective I needed to get through all of this and while I'm still upset that my family has kept this from me for two days now, I have come to the realization that just because we share the same blood does not make us family. I can only hope and pray she and her marriage don't fail, and smile through my gritted teeth and pretend to be happy for her.
So yeah, quite a lot of stuff going on in my life. I'm hoping that we at least get an answer as to why I am feeling this way by the end of this week. I would like to move forward with my life, whether I am pregnant or not, although I really would like to be at this point (I'm not getting any younger). It's time to live for me and for my son and for J (and IB), to do the things that make me happy, regardless of the thoughts and judgments of other people. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me, including my "family". I'm happy and that's all that matters...
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Fear
Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.
Japanese Proverb
Japanese Proverb
What do you do when you spend so much time with someone, so much time loving that someone, that you are blind to everything else? What do you do when you find out that the person you love may not be the person you thought they were? How would you react to the idea that maybe, just maybe, you fell in love with a stranger?
After 14 months of dedicating my heart and my soul to J, 14 months of talking about our future and working towards goals together, I've realized lately that there could be a possibility that he may not be the man I think he is. I'm not saying that that's the case, but it surely is possible.
Where is all this coming from, you may ask? What happened now that she is questioning her knowledge of the man of her dreams? To be honest, I'm not really sure. I guess my only answer is that fear has set in. Fear that I am talking about marriage, about family, about a future with someone and I don't really know him as well as I wish I did. Fear that after 14 months, if I don't know him by now, that there's a possibility I will never know him. It pains me to think that, but after all that has happened between us, I'm just not as sure anymore...
I'm scared to shit (excuse my French). I'm so so afraid that I'm going to marry this man, promise him my heart, my life, my future, and eventually find out he is a completely different person than I know him to be. I believe marriage is forever and I'm afraid of being hurt, not taken seriously, and of any skeletons that hang in his closet that he hasn't shared with me.
Maybe this is the sign that I need to pump my brakes when it comes to marriage and baby talk. Maybe, rather than talk about the future, we should talk about the past. Maybe I should get to know the real J, the one that I'm not sure I know yet. Maybe I should stop being afraid of the things I could possibly find out. Maybe I should just suck it up and start to ask the questions I've been too afraid to ask about the girls he was once with.
Maybe I'm talking out of pure broken heartedness (yes, that's a word I just made up, go ahead and copy me), but I know for a fact that I don't ever ever ever want to feel the way I felt last month when I found out about his little fling. I completely let my guard down for this man and he crushed my heart in a way no one ever has because they have never been as close to my heart as he has been. I want to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, but a part of me is so afraid of thinking those things will happen to me. Maybe I was destined for heart break and bad things because I made the wrong choices when I was younger, because I'm not the best mom ever, for God knows what reason.
I want to stop being sad, and mad, and angry, and upset and scared. That's the biggest thing, I want to stop being scared. I want to love without fear. I want to have the confidence to believe that if anything does happen, it's his loss. I want to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. Somehow, I have a hard time believing so. In my mind, he's been "The One" since the first day we met. I hope he sees me the same way. I also hope that this hurt in my heart goes away and stops eating away at my insides. I want to be completely happy again, with him or without him (preferably WITH him). I want to continue on with life, like this didn't happen, but I can't. I need to know that he loves and respects me as much as I love him and respect him, and from where I'm standing, it feels like it may be a lot to ask for, but I think I'm worth it. I hope he does too...
No one said relationships would be easy. Maybe this needed to happen to bring me back down from Cloud 9 and back to reality. I needed the slap across the face to remind me that NO ONE is perfect, no matter how much I think they may be perfect for me. But just because he's not perfect (and by no means am I) doesn't mean that this won't work. It just means that I'm now in this relationship with open eyes and an open mind.
Talk about a lot of insight regarding my love life. I guess that's what happens since I'm around the corner from turning 29 (Feb 22). I guess with age comes wisdom and I pray that this wisdom doesn't fail me, just as much as I pray that J doesn't fail me either
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Birthmother
I've said it before, but I'll say it again: There are many other things in life that define who I am besides being a birthmother. I am C's mom, J's girlfriend (and hopefully future wife), my mother and father's daughter, I am E & D's sister. I am a student. I am an administrative assistant. I am a friend to some amazing people and an acquaintance to the rest of the world. I don't have one title to define who I am, and if I did, Birthmother wouldn't be what I would choose.
Where is this coming from, you're probably asking? Well, the other day, I caught glimpse of a post on my favorite social networking site from a girl who talked about doing an introduction in her college class where she told everyone she is a birthmom. She was upset that people looked at her dumbfounded. They weren't sure what to make of that. She was upset by the teacher's "lack of proper terminology" and the hushed comments from classmates when class was over. She seemed to be livid by the response to her status. I thought about this for a lil bit, and I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm different than most when it comes to being a birthmom.
I don't think I deserve a special prize or recognition for the sacrifice I made 6 1/2 years ago. I don't think anyone needs to know about my "secret" life other than the people I choose to share it with (and with you reading this blog, of course). This saves me from the awkwardness of having to explain as well as from the having to deal with judgments people pass before really getting to know me. My past experiences in life don't DEFINE who I am, however, they have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I don't let being a single mother or a birthmother be what people remember me as after meeting me for the first time. I want them to think of me as the strong, independent woman who has surpassed the adversities she has faced throughout her life.
Maybe I feel this way because being a mom, to both C and Hope, is a privilege. It has been what has saved my life, as I feel the choices I have made since then have been because of all I've gone through. I am a better peron because of my babies. I push harder in school. I push harder at work. I push, push, push to not be a statistic, to be different, which I feel that I am. So I'm sorry if I meet you out on the street, or if I have a class with you one day and the first thing out of my mouth isn't: "I'm a birthmom". I'm sorry if we cross paths everyday on the way to work or on the way home and you don't ever know. I'm sorry if I see you at the market, or in church, or wherever life takes us and don't tell you. Don't be offended that I never told you when you eventually find out. Be thankful I did, because that means you are special, just as being a birthmom is special to me. :)
Where is this coming from, you're probably asking? Well, the other day, I caught glimpse of a post on my favorite social networking site from a girl who talked about doing an introduction in her college class where she told everyone she is a birthmom. She was upset that people looked at her dumbfounded. They weren't sure what to make of that. She was upset by the teacher's "lack of proper terminology" and the hushed comments from classmates when class was over. She seemed to be livid by the response to her status. I thought about this for a lil bit, and I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'm different than most when it comes to being a birthmom.
I don't think I deserve a special prize or recognition for the sacrifice I made 6 1/2 years ago. I don't think anyone needs to know about my "secret" life other than the people I choose to share it with (and with you reading this blog, of course). This saves me from the awkwardness of having to explain as well as from the having to deal with judgments people pass before really getting to know me. My past experiences in life don't DEFINE who I am, however, they have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I don't let being a single mother or a birthmother be what people remember me as after meeting me for the first time. I want them to think of me as the strong, independent woman who has surpassed the adversities she has faced throughout her life.
Maybe I feel this way because being a mom, to both C and Hope, is a privilege. It has been what has saved my life, as I feel the choices I have made since then have been because of all I've gone through. I am a better peron because of my babies. I push harder in school. I push harder at work. I push, push, push to not be a statistic, to be different, which I feel that I am. So I'm sorry if I meet you out on the street, or if I have a class with you one day and the first thing out of my mouth isn't: "I'm a birthmom". I'm sorry if we cross paths everyday on the way to work or on the way home and you don't ever know. I'm sorry if I see you at the market, or in church, or wherever life takes us and don't tell you. Don't be offended that I never told you when you eventually find out. Be thankful I did, because that means you are special, just as being a birthmom is special to me. :)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Loose Teeth
I got an unexpected surprise this weekend. I FINALLY got picture's from Hope's parents. Yes, the pictures they promised me right after Christmas. Regardless of how long it took for them to send them, I was jumping for job when I checked my email and saw her beautiful little face smiling back at me. The note attached was short and sweet:
Hi M,
Thanks for waiting. Please enjoy these pictures of Hope.
Cordially,
V and L
V and L
I was slightly bummed the email didn't say more, but I was still fairly excited to have gotten pictures. Besides, I did get an email about a month ago from them. I can't be so demanding :) I followed up with an email to let them know I got the pictures:
V and L,
Thank you so, so much for sending me pictures of beautiful Hope. It definitely made my day of drowning in homework so much better to see her beautiful, smiling face. I am so amazed by how much she has grown since the last pictures you sent me. She is definitely looking more mature and grown, and she is extremely beautiful. I love seeing how happy she is. She seems to really enjoy all of the activities she is involved in.
Have the teeth that were loose on Christmas fallen yet?
Once again, thank you so much for sending me the pictures. I always enjoy receiving emails from you and especially enjoy seeing pictures of Hope and all that she has going on in her life. It's truly refreshing and a great motivator when I hear from you.
Hope all is well,
*M
When I woke up the follwoing morning, I had an unexpected surprise in my inbox, a response back!
Hi M,
We are so glad you enjoyed the pictures. Yes, Hope has grown so much
and does not look like a little girl. She has not lost her teeth yet and now
there is a total of four loose teeth. Three on top and one on the bottom.
She is having a heck of a time eating. As you can see in the pictures she enjoys
everything.
Keep up the good work with school it will all pay off in the end.
All our love,
V, L and the "big girl" Hope
We are so glad you enjoyed the pictures. Yes, Hope has grown so much
and does not look like a little girl. She has not lost her teeth yet and now
there is a total of four loose teeth. Three on top and one on the bottom.
She is having a heck of a time eating. As you can see in the pictures she enjoys
everything.
Keep up the good work with school it will all pay off in the end.
All our love,
V, L and the "big girl" Hope
It feels good, almost as if they are warming up to me more, which I truly appreciate. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity they have given me by opening the door to more communication through email. I never in a million years would have expected oour relationship to be as "open" as it is with each other. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the chance to engage in actual conversation with them and to have the ability to tell them about my life.
I've been thinking about Hope a lot more than usual lately. Maybe because my 29th birthday is just 22 days away and I'm realizing how fast time is flying, or maybe it's because J and I have been talking more and more about marriage and a family of our own and he has brought up that my "clock is ticking". I miss her, a lot. I wish I had her here to do girly things with her. I would have loved to take her to see Beauty and the Beast, or Lady and the Tramp, or to Build-a-Bear or to go and get a pedi together. I would love to be the one to find out about her loose teeth and to see her jack-o-lantern smile. I would love to see her laugh and giggle and play with C. Seeing her pictures only solidified that need and want even more.
I have been talking about getting a tattoo in her honor for soooooo long. I have gone back and forth about what exactly I wanted. Did I want a flower? Did I want her face? Did I want an adoption symbol? I was browsing around on Pinterest (my new addiction) and came across a white ink tattoo that said hope. It was plain and simple and beautiful, and I decided that is exactly what I want. I made the decision that I am going to do it within the next couple of weeks as a birthday gift to myself. I want to know that my baby girl is with me always, and thats by permanently making her a part of my body, in ink. I'm so scared but so excited at the same time. I can't wait to get this work done!
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